


Out of Time

by CoolestLemon



Category: IT (2017) RPF, IT (Movies - Muschietti), IT - Stephen King
Genre: Angst, Canon - Book, Eddie Kaspbrak Loves Richie Tozier, Gay Richie Tozier, M/M, Reddie, Richie Tozier & Stanley Uris Are Best Friends, Richie Tozier Loves Eddie Kaspbrak, Time Skips, actually a mix between film and book and new, big sad, film canon also, kinda slow burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-10
Updated: 2019-12-07
Packaged: 2020-10-13 21:35:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 52,231
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20589485
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CoolestLemon/pseuds/CoolestLemon
Summary: (Previously named Time isn't on our Side)Richie and Eddie are best friends, always have been. When Richie gets yelled at by Henry Bowers, he realises that he might be right and be might be in love with Eddie. Through a series of time jumps, we watch as Richie and Eddie realise they are in love with each other, a feeling that they don't want and aren't sure how to deal with. Basically angst, angst, fluff, angst.





	1. 1989

**Author's Note:**

> Yoooooo, so this is the first time I've written something that's not a screenplay for a long time but I was super bored and super in love with Reddie so I decided to give it a go. Hopefully, it's not terrible.  
Shout out to Niamh for pushing me in this direction.

Richie lay on the grass for a few more moments shaking, trying desperately to shake the horrible dream he had just had out of his head. There were other people in the park and none of them had started violently screaming and running so clearly, he was just hallucinating. Statues don’t just start randomly attacking people and no matter what the others said or what happened in the Neibolt house, there was no way that he was just attacked by the Paul Bunyan statue. _Forget it, Richie._

He sat up, staring up at the huge, non-moving statue. _It was just a dream._ Still, he couldn’t get the image of that huge face out of his mind. Except now the statue’s face was blurring with Henry Bowers’. Screaming at him, calling him things that he’d only ever heard in his worst nightmares, in front of all those people. _Maybe I deserve it._ Richie wasn’t exactly the most religious guy on the planet but a tiny part of his brain was considering that maybe God had sent the evil Paul Bunyan to scare Richie, to scare him straight.

Eventually, Richie got up, dusting himself off. He felt this intense desire to talk to someone, to tell them what he had just seen and maybe even what Bowers had done. Maybe if he told someone then they would hug him and tell him that they loved him no matter what and he’d feel safe again. _Yeah, right, Richie._ He knew the moment he opened his mouth and those words flew out; nothing would ever be the same again. His friends would never look at him the same; they’d never treat him the same. Stan, his best friend, for whom everything had to be ‘just right’ wouldn’t understand that he couldn’t just follow the common order. Bill, who he wasn’t even sure was his friend right now wouldn’t understand either, he could be so oblivious at times. And Richie didn’t even want to think about how Eddie would react- Eddie who made his heart beat faster just by his presence; Eddie whose smile made him impossibly weak at the knees; Eddie who got freaked out by anything that wasn’t clean._ Fuck._ Richie nearly sank back to the floor at the thought of the way Eddie would look at him if he knew who he was and how he felt.

It had been a week since the Neibolt house and Eddie’s broken arm; a week since his friends had fractured into individuals. Richie spent all his time at the arcade, a place he would never be going back to now. The only other loser that he still spent time with was Stan but he was so busy prepping for his Bar Mitzvah. Richie missed his friends: he missed smoking cigarettes with Bev, something that was always guaranteed to get a reaction out of Eddie and that was his ultimate aim in life. He even missed Bill, not enough to find him and apologise but he missed him all the same. Richie missed Eddie most of all though. He missed the way he could push just the right buttons to get Eddie so angry. He loved angry Eddie, the way he could snap retorts back so easily that they’d quickly settle into a battle of quick wit.

Richie had been avoiding going to visit Eddie. Not really because of Mrs K, he knew he could easily sneak into Eddie’s room without her noticing, he’d done it thousands of times but because he’d have to explain the argument with Bill and how he’d been so angry at how easily Bill suggested trying again. As if they hadn’t almost died the first time. As if _Eddie_ hadn’t almost died the first time. But now Richie really needed company, he didn’t want to go home and sit in his room and deal with what happened but he also can’t walk through town alone, not with Henry Bowers out to get him. So, pushing his feelings aside, Richie walked over to Eddie’s house.

-

Eddie was bored. He had spent the last seven days holed up in his room doing absolutely nothing. He’d considered shimmying down the drainpipe, the way he always had before when his mother had locked him in the house but he knew that with one arm, he would never make it. Instead, he stared hopelessly out of the window at the summer sun, hoping that one of his friends remembered he existed and came to visit. They never did though and now he resigned himself to laying on his bed, staring at the ceiling, trying not to cry. _Fuck them then._ Eventually, he fell asleep out of pure boredom.

At first, Eddie didn’t even notice the knocking, it was just a part of his dream.

“Eddie.”

Eddie rolled over onto his side, stirring slightly at the noise but not enough to wake up.

“Eds, come on.”

Finally, Eddie woke up. He sat up and rubbed his eyes, believing that when he did, the sight of Richie Tozier hanging on to his window ledge would be gone. But nope, there he still was.

Eddie ran across the room to pull him in and they both collapsed in a heap under the window as usual. This happened every time that Richie sneaked through his window because the boy had no upper body strength leaving Eddie all the work to actually get him into the room. Usually, they lay sprawled on the floor for a while, legs all tangled together, before Richie would start tickling Eddie and then they’d end up in a full-on tickle war. Eddie braced himself for the first tickle.

Instead, Richie stood straight up, walking over to the side of Eddie’s bed. He sat down on the floor, pulling his legs into his arms and pressing his head against the wall.

“If I sit here then your mom won’t see if she comes in.” Richie said, his voice quiet and tired.

Eddie was too excited at having someone else in his room that he doesn’t notice how dejected and down Richie is. He jumped onto his bed, rolling over so that he’s facing down at Richie.

“So why’s it taken this long for you to sneak into my room? Don’t tell me Richie Tozier is finally respecting authority.” Eddie laughed, reaching down and poking Richie on the nose.

Richie looked up at Eddie, briefly, before looking straight back ahead. He was playing with his hands awkwardly, twisting and scratching at them.

“Something like that.” He said, softly.

This time Eddie did notice that there was something wrong. Richie was never this quiet and he never missed an opportunity to start throwing insults at each other. Eddie couldn’t imagine what had happened to make Richie lose his spark but he was sure as hell going to try and put it back. Silently, Eddie slipped from the room.

Richie was too much in his own mind to even notice he’d gone. He just kept thinking about what would happen if he told Eddie. Surely, there would be no more tickle fights and probably, most definitely no more touching. He’d never get to spend another afternoon in this room, reading comics and squabbling with Eddie. He couldn’t tell him, ever.

Eddie came back into the room, closing his door softly behind him. He was holding a glass of milk and a large cookie. This time Richie did notice the movement and looked up at Eddie expectantly.

“Sorry, I tried to get two but she told me that I’ll get diabetes,” Eddie said, looking down at the cookie as if it had just sprouted legs and tried to attack him. “I mean, I guess I won’t get diabetes from half a cookie.”

Richie watched wordlessly as Eddie split the cookie into two, before handing Richie a piece. Richie smiled, a genuine smile and thanked him.

“Actually, you know what I’m not going to risk it. Here, have both.” Eddie said, pushing the other half into Richie’s hand.

Richie looked incredulously at his friend. “I promise that you’re not going to get diabetes from half a cookie.”

He gave Eddie the half a cookie back. Eddie stared at the cookie seriously, weighing up the options in his mind. In the end, he decided to eat it because Richie was right, it was only half a cookie and he’d had whole cookies before and didn’t have diabetes yet.

They both chewed silently on their food. Eddie watched Richie, waiting for the sugar to hit and for him to start acting like himself again… Except, it didn’t happen. Richie swallowed the last chunk and then immediately began staring at the wall again, hands going back to scratching. There was clearly something very wrong.

Eddie didn’t know what to do, he didn’t want to push Richie and risk him getting mad but he also wanted to help him and clearly sitting around moping was not helping.

“Hey, Rich.” Eddie started, watching as his friend lifted his head to look at him again. “What’s wrong?”

Richie put his head back down. “Nothing.”

Eddie rolled his eyes silently. There might be something wrong but Richie was, of course, being stubborn as usual.

“Well, I’m not fucking blind, Rich. Just tell me what’s wrong so I can help.” Eddie couldn’t help but release a bit of annoyance into his voice

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

Eddie continued to stare down at his friend who was now glaring at him, not the fun way that they usually glare at each other but an actual angry glare.

“Don’t they say that a problem shared is a problem halved?”

Richie made a noise that sounded like a growl out of frustration. “I don’t want to talk about it and I definitely don’t want to talk about it _with you._”

The words exploded into the room and both of them stared at each other in shock. Richie instantly regretted it, the hurt expression on Eddie’s face one that he knew he would forget and never want to see again. Eddie twisted his mouth, trying not to cry and definitely trying not to let Richie see him cry.

“Fuck you, Rich.” He wanted to move, to get away from whoever the Richie on the floor was because it wasn’t the real Richie. The real Richie would insult him constantly but he would never actually mean it, he would never try and hurt him.

Richie grabbed Eddie’s arm, stopping him from rolling away. “Shit, Eds, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to say that or to make it sound so…”

Eddie stared at Richie, mostly because he was being held in this position but also because he could see genuine hurt in his eyes and also regret. He knew that Richie hadn’t meant to hurt him, he just had something going on right now that was making him act erratically.

Richie removed his hand, letting go of Eddie and slinking back to the floor. On Eddie’s arm (his non-broken one) where Richie had been holding it, there were red marks. Richie’s blood. Eddie held his arm up to the light to look at it before turning back to Richie, who was again scratching at his hands, hence the blood.

Eddie picked up one of Richie’s hand, examining the scratches that were now bleeding reasonably heavily. “Rich, you’re bleeding.”

Richie looked at his hand as if seeing it for the first time. “Oh right, yeah.” He tried to tug his hand out of Eddie’s grip but he held on tight.

Eddie brushed the blood away gently. Richie winced. _Eddie is holding my hand._ Richie stared wide-eyed at his best friend; his heart racing way too fast. This was too much, this was an actual test from God and he was definitely going to fail. In one movement, Richie pulled his hand from Eddie’s grip and jumped up, walking to the window.

“I’ve got to go. I’ll see you soon, Eds.” He said, opening the window and climbing out before Eddie could even speak.

Eddie stared at the window, dumbfounded. He had no idea what had even happened.

The next time Eddie saw Richie, when they went to go save Bev, Richie was back to normal and Eddie could almost believe that he’d had some form of fever dream and made up the whole thing. Except, he kept a close watch on Richie now, half expecting to one day see the same broken look in his eyes, he knew now that even the happiest people weren’t always happy.


	2. 1992

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Richie and Eddie are 16 and still live in that cloud of unspoken feelings.   
Or   
When Richie makes new friends, Eddie becomes super jealous and tries to get him back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have no idea why this is so long when nothing actually happens.

It was Richie’s birthday, sixteen at last and after months of begging, his parents had finally agreed to let him have a party. They’d even decided to go visit some friends in Bangor so that he could have the whole house and Richie was excited. Since he’d been in high school, he’d become somewhat respected by his peers in a way that he never was before. He was still really close with his old friends but now he had a new group of friends as well, whom he also liked to spend time with. That night was actually the first time that he’d have both his old friends and his new friends in the same place at the same time and he was a little bit afraid that they wouldn’t get on. Actually, he was quite sure that they wouldn’t get on. His new friends could be quite disparaging about his old friends and Richie wasn’t secure enough in his position in the group to do anything but laugh when they made fun of Bill’s stutter or Stan’s religion or the way Eddie was always at home, sick. He hated it but he knew that if he didn’t do it, they’d turn on him next. 

Richie had made sure that his house was tidy and everything embarrassing was hidden well out of the way. One of his new friends had an older brother who’d got him some alcohol and it was all set up in the kitchen. Now, Richie just had to wait for people to show up and it was making him nervous. He fixed himself a drink, not even caring to read what was on the side of the bottle. Whatever it was, it was strong. 

There was a knock at the door. Richie startled, before going to open it. He wasn’t sure who would be first: old friends, new friends, people he’d never met. He hoped it was someone he actually knew because it would be pretty awkward if he was stuck alone for a while with someone he didn’t know. His thoughts dried up when he recognised the figure behind the door as Eddie. He was shocked; of course, he’d invited Eddie, he was one of his best friends but Eddie had never been allowed to a party before and he couldn’t believe he was here now. Richie opened the door. 

“I can’t believe you’re here.” Richie grinned, pulling his friend into his house, noting the backpack that he was wearing. 

Eddie grinned back. “Like I could miss this. I told my mom that I was sleeping over at Bill’s, she trusts him the most, I guess. But yeah can I actually stay here afterwards?” 

Richie shrugged. “Yeah, whatever, my parents won’t be home until tomorrow.” 

-

Three hours later and Eddie was drunk. Not just a little bit tipsy like he’d been the few times Bev had brought some of her dad’s brandy to the clubhouse and they’d all pass it around until they felt that tell-tale buzz. Those times Eddie had gotten really quiet and just swung back and forth in the hammock, watching his friends talk. He liked watching all his friends together because he knew that life wouldn’t always be that way, that they wouldn’t always be together. More times than not these days, they were a six rather than a seven as Richie was always off with his new friends. He hated climbing into the hammock, knowing that Richie’s gangly body wasn’t about to follow, squishing him and making him feel really fucking weird. Eddie hated Richie’s new friends, he’d heard what they’d said about him and about Bill and Stan and the rest of them. He hated that he could picture Richie laughing along with them. Then he stopped himself. Richie would never laugh at you. He wanted to believe it, he wanted to believe it so bad but he was worried that they’d lost Richie to the dark side. 

Now he was sat with his head on Bev’s shoulder, sipping from his cup every few seconds, loving how the buzzing in his head got louder with every sip, almost wiping out all his worries. 

“You okay, Eddie?” Bev said, her head resting on his. 

Eddie nodded. He was fine, except that the world just seemed to be happening in slow motion. He didn’t mind that, he liked how everything was slow. 

“I am happy as a…” He drifted off, trying to think of the right simile to use when he noticed Richie enter the room.

The groups had been split all night- Richie’s new friends in the kitchen with all the alcohol and the loud music and his old friends relaxing on the sofas in the living room, quietly enjoying each other’s company. 

“Hey, Rich, nice of you to stop by.” Bill said from the opposite sofa, more than a hint of irritation in his voice. Of course, they’d discussed the fact that Richie was always missing from their group but they’d always tried their best to not let themselves get hurt over it but tonight seemed like the final straw. It was his birthday, he’d invited them over, just to ditch them to go act like a drunken ass in the kitchen with his new ‘popular’ friends. 

Richie froze at Bill’s words. “Uh-yeah, sorry guys. You know how the crowd loves me.” 

Definitely not the right thing to say and his group of old friends stare at him. Richie sighed, almost sadly and sat down on the sofa with Bev and Eddie, pushing Eddie’s legs out of the way. Eddie immediately spread them back out across Richie’s lap, something he’d always done since they were kids. Richie held his feet, the way he always had too. They just seemed to fit and it was like the whole group took a sigh of relief at seeing that Richie was still, in fact, one of them. 

“Tickle my feet, Tozier and I swear to god I will kick you in the face,” Eddie said, trying to make his voice sound deadpan and dry but failing miserably because he was so drunk that his words slurred. 

Richie laughed, his true genuine laugh, not the one he forces out when his new friends make a comment that is supposed to be funny. He forgot sometimes how much he enjoyed spending time with his old friends, how light they made his heart feel. 

“Don’t tell me that Eds is drunk.” He continued to laugh. 

“Don’t call me that.” Eddie said, instantly, kicking his feet at Richie. 

Bev laughed this time, ruffling the top of Eddie’s head. “Yeah, our little Eddie is drunk.” 

Eddie lifted his head off Bev’s shoulder, feeling the way his head spins slightly, tilting from one side to the other. “I’m not drunk.” And the words sound crystal clear as if he’s trying to prove something. “I’m just having a good time.” 

Richie smiled, loving the way that Eddie’s face is tilted towards him, looking at him happily. God, he’d missed this. Why did he ever stop spending time with his friends when being here with them, being here with Eddie made me him feel like this? 

The door opened behind them and a girl with bright pink hair and a skimpy dress entered the room. Annie. A girl from Richie’s new group, a girl who was always twisting herself around Richie, always trying to hold his hand and whisper in his ear; a girl who was pretty and cool and hot but didn’t make Richie feel half what Eddie could make him feel. Still, she was a girl. 

“Rich, honey, we’re just about to play a game, you need to come back.” She said, hopping up onto the side of the couch and wrapping an arm around Richie’s neck. Richie could feel his friends staring at him, glaring at him, watching to see what he would do next. 

Richie coughed awkwardly. “I was going to stay here for a bit actually.” His voice was quiet, low, didn’t sound like Richie. He sounded scared and uncomfortable. 

Annie laughed derisively. “No, sweetie, you’re coming to play a game with your friends. Not hanging out with this group of losers”   
The room seemed to bristle with tension. 

“What did you just say?” Eddie sat up, peeling himself off of Bev. He crawled to the other side of the couch where Richie and Annie were, kneeling down to make himself higher so he could stare Annie right in the face. “What the fuck did you just say?”

Annie laughed again, flipping her hair out of her face. “God, Eds, calm down. It’s just why would Richie stay and hang out with you guys when he has actual friends now?” 

Eddie felt the worst kind of anger build up inside him. It was a rage he didn’t think he’d ever felt before. It was blinding and huge and taking over every part of his body. 

He turned to Richie. “Why the fuck did she just call me Eds?” 

Richie flushed bright red; the feeling of shame stuck in his throat. He hadn’t meant to tell them anything but sometimes when they were talking about his old friends, he’d heard his own voice adding comments instead of just laughing along. “It’s a coincidence?” 

Eddie was now on top of Richie, angrily beating at him with his hands. “What else did you tell them, hmm? Get in some jokes about my mom? Did you all have a really good laugh about those people you used to know? Fuck you, Richie.” 

The rest of the group looked at each other and sprang into action. Bev and Bill pulled Eddie off Richie before he could do some actual damage. They’d never seen him look that angry before but the rage was radiating off him. Mike and Stan went over to Richie and Annie now that Eddie was being held on the other side of the room. 

“Rich, that’s really not cool. I get that you want to have new friends and it’s fine but don’t bring us into it. After everything that we went through.” Stan said, shaking his head. “It’s just not cool.” 

Richie felt like he could just die of shame and embarrassment right now. He hadn’t thought this through, any of this. He should have been more careful when he was talking about his old friends; he should have never invited them all together. “Sorry, Stan.” 

Stan pushed his hair off his face, groaning with frustration. “I don’t think it’s me that you need to apologise to the most right now.” He nodded his head in the direction of where Bill and Bev were still holding Eddie back. He had his drink back in his hand now and was almost throwing it down his throat. 

“Or you could just like not.” Annie said, grabbing Richie by the arm and trying to pull him up. “Eddie’s annoying, you’ve just outgrown that friendship.” 

Stan and Mike looked at Richie meaningfully. This was his chance, if Richie didn’t stand up for his friends now then he would lose them forever. He couldn’t imagine life without any of them, especially life without Eddie. Eddie made him feel confused and guilty all the time but he also made him feel like the happiest person alive when he laughed at his stupid jokes. He’d spent the last year being stupid, avoiding his real friends because of the way Eddie made him feel; he knew now that he’d just have to deal with those feelings, his friends were more important. 

Richie stood up. He didn’t know why but he felt he needed to be stood up for this. 

“Annie.” He said, looking at the girl in front of him. She smiled at him, expectantly. “Get the fuck out my house. And tell your friends they can fuck off too.”   
Annie looked like she’d been punched in the face. “W-what?”

“He said you can fuck off, assface.” Eddie shouted from the corner of the room, where he was now sat watching the events unfold. 

Annie gaped at Richie in utter disbelief. “Fuck you, Richie. And fuck your friends. You are finished at this school, finished!” She shouted in Richie’s face, slapped him on the cheek roughly and exploded from the room. 

The group burst out laughing. Then they remembered what Richie had done and stopped laughing. 

“Guys, I’m so sorry.” Richie said, sitting back down and staring at his old friends. “I fucked up but I really never set out to hurt you guys.” 

The others looked at each other as if deciding what to do about it. Bev spoke first. “I mean, I’m really mad at you but we still love you. You just can’t do that shit anymore.” 

Richie looked down, plagued with sadness about what he’d done to his friends. “I know.” He said, softly. 

“We all make stupid decisions sometimes, Rich, I forgive you.” Mike said, patting his friend on the back. 

“Yeah, me too.” Stan agreed. “But just be more careful next time.” 

Soon, they’d all said something to Richie, something to let him know that they still loved him even if they were upset at what he’d done. Everyone except Eddie, who just sat cross-legged on the floor, looking at his friend. He wasn’t sure that he was just able to forgive him like that as the others had. He was mad but there was this other feeling, one that was always there when he looked at Richie, one that he couldn’t quite place but had him reaching in his pocket for the familiar touch of his inhaler. It made him feel slightly sick like he wasn’t sure his legs could hold him even when he was sat down. It was what he felt every time Richie had jumped into the hammock beside him, or in bed beside him, or held him down and tickled him. 

“What about you, Eds? You gonna forgive me?” Richie knew that it was risky but he couldn’t stand the way that Eddie was looking at him. He’d seen Eddie angry all the time, he loved making him snap and react but this was a different kind of anger. This was the way Eddie had looked at him, all those years ago when he’d brushed him off. This was hurt Eddie and it scared him because he never wanted to hurt Eddie. 

Eddie continued to stare at him, weighing up his options. He knew that he’d forgive Richie and that they’d go back to some semblance of their normal relationship because Eddie knew that he couldn’t cope with not having Richie in his life. There was no-one he would rather have to annoy him. 

“I suppose I could.” He said, raising an eyebrow at his friend. 

Richie grinned, a real, huge grin. “Knew I’d get you back, Eds.” 

Eddie groaned, loudly. “Call me that again and I swear that we’re done.” 

The air in the room seemed to lift and they all started laughing. Everything felt right again, watching Eddie and Richie fight in their usual gentle way. 

“Well, it’s nearly my curfew so I better get going.” Bill said, looking at his watch awkwardly. He’d always had an early curfew because his parents couldn’t bear the thought of losing another child. He didn’t really mind though, it meant he always got some time of peace. “Anyone want to walk home with me?”

The rest of the group discussed it for a while but it was late and they were all tired so they all decided to leave with Bill.   
“You coming, Eddie?” Bill asked, once they were all ready to go. 

Eddie looked at Richie. Sure, he was supposed to be staying the night here but then they’d fought and they’d made up but still, things would probably be awkward. It could just be easier to go home with Bill but he didn’t want to go home with Bill. He was conflicted. 

“He’s staying here.” Richie said, a tone he couldn’t quite place in his voice. He crossed his arms, determinedly.   
Bill looked at Richie and then looked at Eddie, who was still super drunk and practically lying on the floor at this point. Richie was his friend and he was glad they’d made up but he also knew that Eddie was definitely going to be sick at some point and he wasn’t sure Richie could handle it. 

“Honestly, Rich, it’s fine. My mom can help him when he’s sick.” Bill said, still looking at Eddie. 

Eddie turned to look at Bill in shock. “Who said anything about being sick? I’m not sick.”

Bev laughed, ruffling Eddie’s hair again. “You’ve never been drunk before, sweetie so yeah, you’re probably going to be sick.”   
The blood drained from Eddie’s face. He could not deal with being sick at all, it was his worst nightmare. 

“But it’s fine, I’ll look after you.” Richie said, sitting down beside Eddie and almost pulling him towards him. Neither of them knew why and neither of them knew what it was but that weird feeling inside them soared whenever they were this close. “Please, Bill, he’ll be fine.” 

Bill rolled his eyes at his friends. “Whatever, just make sure he’s fine when he gets home.” 

“Yay.” Eddie and Richie both said at the same time. It was becoming more and more evident just how drunk they both were. 

The rest of the group left and the house was empty, just Eddie and Richie sat on the floor in the same position. 

“So, do you want to go to bed?” Richie said, lifting his head so he could examine how much the room was spinning.   
Eddie didn’t answer and lay down on the floor instead, spreading out like a starfish.

“You okay there?” Richie tried again. 

“Do you ever think about how we nearly died?” Eddie said, his voice serious and quiet. 

Richie was surprised. “Wow, drunk Eds is deep.”

“Shut up, I’m being serious.”   
Richie sighed and lay down beside Eddie, the tips of their fingers touching in the middle. 

“I try not to think about it.”

Eddie nodded, looking thoughtful. He rolled over so that he was looking at Richie.   
“I think about it all the time. If we’d have died then, I never would have known what it was like to truly live. I still don’t. I’ve spent my entire life just doing what my mother wants, just following her rules, letting her control my life. What if I never get the chance to live my own life?” 

Richie stared at Eddie. He opened his mouth as if to speak and then closed it again. He wasn’t sure what to say, if there was anything he could say to make his friend’s life seem better.   
Eventually, he spoke. “I could help. We could start with some small stuff and then maybe the big stuff won’t seem so hard. What’s the number one thing you want to do and can’t?” 

The air prickled with something neither of them could put their fingers on. It seemed to crackle and spark around the room until Eddie moved closer and closer, finally kissing Richie on the lips. It was sloppy and unfocused but both of them felt like they’d been electrocuted. 

“I’m sorry.” Eddie said, pulling back almost immediately, a look of extreme terror in his face. 

Richie felt like the floor underneath him had just disappeared. He was falling and flailing, anything other than looking Eddie in the face. Eddie had kissed him. Eddie, the boy he loved hopelessly, impossibly, had just kissed him. But he was drunk and it was a mistake and it didn’t count. 

“I’m so sorry, Richie, I didn’t mean to upset you. I’ll go, I can probably still get to Bill’s before he’s asleep.” Eddie stood up, shaking because of the alcohol and because of the fear. 

Richie grabbed his arm. “No, you don’t have to leave. It’s fine.” 

“No, no, I need to go.” Eddie tried to shake Richie off. 

“Eddie, stop. You won’t even remember this tomorrow so it’s going to be okay. Just calm down.”

Eddie finally calmed down, sitting back down next to Richie, looking at him with an unreadable expression: a mix of hope and love and fear. 

“Come on, Eds, let’s go to bed.” 

They went to bed and when they woke up, they both acted like they didn’t remember but they both did. And when either of them thought about it, they got a little smile on their face and a little bit more hope in their hearts because while Eddie had been the one to kiss Richie, Richie had kissed him back.


	3. 1993

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Richie and Eddie talk.   
(Okay, that is the worst summary ever but I don't want to spoil anything.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is probably the worst chapter so far but oh well. It's pretty short too, have fun.

Six months later and Richie had broken his leg playing some dumb game in the Barrens with Mike and Ben so he was stuck in bed every weekend and it was ridiculously boring. Richie was never one for just sitting around and he wanted nothing more than to just run around town or go ride his bike or do anything that wasn’t just going to school and back home.

It was on this third weekend of doing nothing, not wanting to disturb his friends having actual fun so that they could come and sit with him, he decided that maybe one of them might actually want to come and keep him company. Actually, he decided that _Eddie_ might want to come and keep him company because he knew Eddie would do anything to get out of his house for a few hours.

Richie was lucky to have his own phone in his room so he didn’t even need to move, just reached over and dialled Eddie’s house, hoping to God that his mother didn’t answer.

“Hello, Kaspbrak residence,” Eddie answered, thankfully. His voice sounded all confident and professional: a voice that Richie knew Mrs Kaspbrak made him practice so that he was allowed to answer the phone.

“I’d like to hire your best rent boy. Can’t remember his name but he has a great ass.”

“Richie, I swear to God, my mom could have answered the phone.” Eddie’s voice was back to normal now and annoyed.

“Yeah, I know, who did you think I was calling for?” Richie laughed.

“Fuck off, Richie. What do you want anyway?”

“I’m lonely and I’m bored, come save me before I die a slow, painful death with nothing but my right hand for company.” Richie said, dramatically.

“You are actually disgusting and I can’t come over right now, I have so much homework for Monday and my mom would kill me if I-“

“Please, Eddie.” Richie said, softly but with an edge in his voice that Eddie hardly ever heard. Richie was desperate. 

Eddie sighed down the phone. He would never forget seeing Richie broken in his bedroom that day and he still worries so much about him, hoping that he never has to see him so broken.

“Fine, I’ll finish this and I’ll come over but you better not annoy me.”

“When do I ever annoy you, Eds?” Richie said, laughing but Eddie had already hung up the phone.

-

Almost an agonizingly long hour later, Eddie finally knocked on his door, having been let in by his mom.

“Finally, dude, I thought you’d bailed on me.”

Eddie rolled his eyes. “Just had to come up with a decent excuse so my mom let me out.”

“Should have just said you were coming to see me, she would have driven you over herself.”

“Shut up, you know my mom hates you the most.”

And Richie did know that. For some reason Mrs K hated Richie more than any of Eddie’s friends, maybe because he was the worst influence, always getting Fs for conduct in school; or maybe it was the _something else_, the something deeper that both Eddie and Richie were afraid of.

Eddie crawled into bed beside Richie, mostly because it was warm whereas the room was cold; Richie’s parents having turned the central heating off when they went to work that morning. Richie grumbled at having Eddie’s cold limbs in his bed but he loved it really, loving the way Eddie’s small body pressed against his own, making him feel dizzy. He wondered if Eddie could feel the way his heart was beating so erratically. Part of him hoped that he could.

They didn’t need to speak. Eddie got out the rest of his homework while Richie read a book, looking up occasionally at Eddie, at how adorable he looked when he concentrated. Eddie did the same to Richie, both of them missing making eye contact by mere seconds every time.

“Rich.” Eddie said, shutting his textbook.

Richie looked up from his book, hesitant at Eddie’s strange tone of voice. “Yes, my love.”

“Don’t call me that.” Eddie huffed.

“Sorry, what were you going to say?” Richie leaned up on his elbows so he could look at Eddie better.

“I’m going to say something and for the first time in your life, can you just shut up and listen?” Eddie said, looking pale and slightly like he was going to be sick.

Richie knew that whatever Eddie was about to say, he needed to be quiet and listen. This wasn’t a time for jokes so he bit his tongue and looked at his friend, nodding.

“Okay, so on your birthday when I stayed over and we were both really drunk. I-uh-well, I kissed you and I know you don’t remember but I do and it’s been driving me insane ever since and I’m scared because I feel like every day that I don’t say anything, I’m falling more and more into this hole. Like when I’m with you, I feel like I can’t breathe like –“ Eddie spoke in a rush, his words flying out of his mouth until Richie interrupts.

“Like your heart is beating out of your chest.” Richie said, barely even thinking as he spoke.

“Yeah, just like that. And I didn’t want to say anything to you because I know you’d be so disgusted but you know how am I supposed to live my life if I just let this fester inside me? I get if you don’t want to be friends anymore, or if you don’t want me anywhere near you, I just had to say something.”

Richie waited for Eddie to finish. By this point, Eddie had pushed himself as far away as he could from Richie while still being in the bed and there was an empty chasm of the bed between them. There was a look of pure fear on Eddie’s face as if he was waiting for Richie to laugh or attack him or something.

“Eddie, I will always be your friend, okay?” Richie started, grabbing the other boy’s wrist and pulling on it so that Eddie had no choice but to move closer to Richie. “No matter what happens. We are never going to stop being friends.”

Eddie’s face twisted. _Friend._ He’d said they’d always be friends, which is what Eddie wanted but he also wanted more. He wasn’t sure he could cope with just being Richie’s friend, watching as he dated girls and then other stuff. But he knew that was just something he had to deal with, losing Richie altogether would be much worse.

“Sorry.” He said, eventually looking at Richie again.

Richie shook his head. “You have nothing to apologise for. But I just want to ask-does this mean that you’re gay?”

Eddie looked like he’d just been stung. “What? No, of course not. I’m not _sick, _Richie.”

The word _sick_ and the way Eddie said it made Richie wince, hard. But he knew that if he didn’t open his mind and start spilling his own version of this story that maybe he’d lose the massive chance that Eddie had just accidentally handed to him.

“I am. Gay, I mean. I’m gay. I guess that I’ve always known I am but recently it’s kind of come to a head.” Richie said, forcing the words out of a mouth that felt dry as a bone.

Eddie blanched, feeling really bad that he just took out his own insecurities on Richie. Of course, he didn’t think he was sick, he was just used to his mom getting into his head about everything like that.

“I didn’t mean that, Rich. I don’t think you’re sick.” He said, quickly, not wanting his friend to be mad at him.

“Meh, it’s fine.” Richie said, brushing him away, brushing away the feeling that was always there, always telling him how _wrong_ he was.

Eddie swallowed, pushing every last doubt he had far down in his brain where they couldn’t get to him. He gathered all his courage and turned back to Richie.

“Can we try something?” He asked, feeling a surge of confidence as he reaches up and presses his hand into the side of Richie’s face, stroking softly.

Richie looked at him with wide-eyes. “Uh-sure, like what?”

Eddie didn’t answer. Instead, he crawled to Richie’s side of the bed, moving so his legs were on either side of Richie’s abdomen and he was on top of him. Then, he reached down and placed a kiss on Richie’s lips. He pulled back quickly, examining Richie’s face to see if that was okay.

Richie just stared gaping at Eddie. This was all he had secretly wanted for so long and he didn’t know how long he had before Eddie realised that he couldn’t do this and would leave. He wanted nothing more than to pull Eddie closer and to keep him there forever.

“Is that okay?” Eddie asked, unsure whether Richie’s expression was one of disgust or shock or acceptance.

“Kiss me again.” Richie said, his voice croaking because his mouth was so dry from the shock. Eddie grinned, feeling his body warm up just at the thought of kissing Richie again.

They spent the rest of the afternoon like that, curled into each other’s arms, occasionally one or the other sneaking a chaste kiss. Their bodies were warm and their hearts were full and they almost couldn’t hear the voices in their heads calling them _dirty _and _wrong._ Neither boy had ever felt happier or as accepted as they did that day, their bodies tangled together carefully because of Richie’s cast.

Eventually, the sun began to set beneath the trees in Richie’s yard and they both knew that Eddie would have to be home soon or his mom would start freaking out but neither one of them wanted to leave their little bubble. What if this was only a one-time thing and they never got to feel as happy as they did today? What if it was all a dream and their love wasn’t real?

“I have to go.” Eddie said, sadly. He sat up, Richie following him, not wanting to stop holding onto his body.

“So, what do we do now?” Richie said, not sure he ever wanted to hear the answer. Not wanting to hear Eddie tell him that they’d go back to normal, back to their usual friendship.

Eddie looked at him and he saw the same mixture of hope and fear that he knew was in his own eyes. “I don’t know. I just know that I can’t go back to before. This afternoon, with you, was the most alive I’ve ever felt and I don’t want to go back to not feeling alive, Rich.”

Richie rubbed his eyes beneath his glasses. He knew right then and there that he would do anything for Eddie, anything at all to make him smile, to _make him feel alive._

“Okay, so we can’t date each other, obviously. Derry is a breeding ground for homophobic idiots who would love to see us together.”

Eddie’s heart just about broke at Richie’s words. He was right but it just sounded so final, so impossible.

Richie continued, gripping Eddie’s hand in his own. “But we have bedrooms and houses and once we tell the others, we’ll have them to help. We don’t have to tell anyone even but I guess, I want you to be my boyfriend or something like that, we don’t have to use labels. I just us to be _something._”

Eddie’s heart exploded. He never thought he’d hear those words out of Richie’s mouth but they were perfect and exactly what he wanted to hear, even if they barely made any sense.

“Well, actually, asshole. I want you to be my _something_, how about that?” Eddie said, climbing back on top of Richie and stealing one last kiss before he left the warmth of his bed.

Richie had other ideas, flipping them over so that he pinned Eddie down, something that wasn’t easy considering his leg was in a massive cast.

“I think I can cope with that.” He said, smiling down at Eddie, kissing him on the nose before letting him escape.

Eddie stood by the door, not ready to go back home to his mom but also knowing that everything was going to seem much brighter now, now that Richie was his _something_.

They stared at each other, unspoken words of love hanging in the air, neither of them sure how to say it or even if that was what they were feeling, they just knew it was big and it was consuming them slowly but surely.

“No matter what happens, Eds, at least we had one perfect day.”

Both knew what it meant, that being together wasn’t going to be easy but they knew they’d try. They had to try.

“Don’t call me Eds, asshole.” Eddie said, laughing as he darted out of the room, closing the door.

Richie lay back on his bed, breathing deeply. He didn’t think he could ever be happier.


	4. 1993 ii

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Richie and Eddie tell the others.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I'm hoping to write maybe 7 chapters total on this thing but we'll see how I go because I have to get back to my real adult life in a couple of days.

Three weeks later and Bev was down from Portland. She loved coming home to spend time with her friends but those chances were much rarer now that they were so busy with schoolwork. She’d been down for all of their birthdays but this was just a random visit, which meant that they could all just relax, spending the night in Bill’s living room like they had so many times when they were younger.

Richie and Eddie were nervous. Since that perfect day in Richie’s room, they’d spent a couple of afternoons together, holding each other, lightly kissing when they felt the need. Sure, they’d also exchanged pining glances across classrooms and the cafeteria but it was those alone times where they really came alive, whispering promises to each other. Sometimes, it was much smaller and they’d talk about other things, easier things like what they’d eaten for dinner or a funny story about someone tripping over in the hallway. The one thing they hadn’t done was act any differently around their friends. They had no idea that two of their best friends were spending hours curled around each other, falling in love.

They’d had one brief conversation about whether they should tell the others. It had occurred one day when Richie had gone over to Stan’s to help him with some homework and they’d been talking as friends often do and Richie had felt this overwhelming desire to tell Stan everything from that first drunken kiss on Richie’s floor to the endless hours, they spent holding each other. He knew that he could never say anything without asking Eddie first; Eddie was still so caught up on how other people would react but Richie didn’t really care. He understood that they needed to keep it a secret but he wanted nothing more than to tell the whole world that Eddie Kaspbrak was his _something._ When he’d broached the subject with Eddie, predictably, he’d curled in on himself. Richie had tried his best to get Eddie back out of his shell but it hadn’t worked and their cuddle session had ended prematurely. Before he’d left, Eddie had quietly agreed that if their friends guessed then they could tell them and even though it was such a small thing, Richie knew the pain Eddie had gone through to admit it and he’d been so happy.

Now, he was actually about to spend an extended period of time just with his friends and Eddie and he was scared too. He hadn’t really thought about what would happen if they weren’t okay with them together; he just kind of assumed that his friends loved them enough that they wouldn’t care. But there was a chance that they wouldn’t. He thought back to the way he’d felt when he was thirteen and just coming to terms with the way he felt; the way he knew that Stan was so particular and Bill so oblivious and Mike so practical. He thought out of all of them, maybe Bev would understand the most. She was funny, always up for a good laugh but she was also deeply kind and he knew that she treasured their friendship. Not that the other boys didn’t, he just worried that maybe they wouldn’t understand.

Richie had got his driver’s licence a few months back and he was saving up for a car but for now he was allowed to use his parent’s occasionally as long as he took good care of it. That meant that he could pick Eddie up on the way to Bill’s. So that they could talk things through before they saw everyone and they held hands over the gear stick, Eddie gently brushing his thumb up and down Richie’s palm. It was times like this that made them realise just how well they fit together; it was like they were made to.

“I can’t wait until you have your own car.” Eddie said, sighing. He was imagining what it would be like- Richie and Eddie and a car, they could go anywhere, do anything.

“I hope you know I’ll be charging you gas money.” Richie laughed.

Eddie looked at Richie, at the way his eyes always seemed to dance when he was happy, when he was joking.

“Sure, and do you only accept cash? Any other sorts of payments?” Eddie said, casually, knowing that his words were anything but.

They were sixteen and they were _somethings_ but they’d never even mentioned anything other than light kisses. Richie didn’t want to say or do anything that would freak Eddie out because he knew a lot of stuff freaked Eddie out. He didn’t mind it either, going slow.

Eddie’s words hit Richie like an electric shock. “Oh um, maybe?” Richie could tell he was blushing, his face felt like it could fry an egg it was so hot. He looked down, away from Eddie.

“Well, I made that super awkward.” Eddie laughed but there was an edge in his voice.

Richie turned back to look at Eddie. “No, fuck, you didn’t make it awkward. We just haven’t talked about anything like that. I didn’t want you to think that I was expecting things from you. I’m not, I just love spending time with you, even if we’re just holding hands and actually, maybe I’m a bit scared to move past that stage. I just love what we’ve got going right now and I don’t want to ruin it.” Richie was babbling, words just coming out of his mouth before he could stop them.

“Hey, shush, stop.” Eddie said, tapping Richie lightly on the ear. “I was joking. Do you remember jokes? You used to tell shit ones?”

“Ha ha ha.”

“No, seriously Rich, it’s fine. I’m happy with the way things are too. And I was thinking, maybe we should tell the others. It just seems stupid to keep something a secret from them.” Eddie said, looking more than a bit nervous.

Richie looked at him hopefully. “Really? You don’t mind?”

Eddie nodded, pushing his doubts away in his head. These were his friends; they were going to be fine.

-

Eddie had expected Richie to tell them straight away. He was never one to hold back, he believed in seizing the moment and a lot of other bullshit that Eddie just nodded along to. This was different though, Eddie wouldn’t have minded if they’d walked into Bill’s living room, arms around each other, letting the others work out for themselves what was different and why it was.

Instead, it was hours later and they were playing some stupid game and Eddie was frustrated. He wanted Richie to tell them so it wouldn’t be weird if he reached over and smoothed some of his hair back off his face so it didn’t dangle in front of his glasses. He wanted to hold Richie’s hand and the feel the warmth that was always there, beneath the surface. He wanted to rest his head on Richie’s shoulder and feel the warm comfort there. He could tell that he was getting irritable but he didn’t care, he just wanted Richie to tell them already.

“Hey, you going to join in this round?” Richie said, turning to look at Eddie, who’d been refusing to play the ‘stupid game’ ever since he lost in the first round an hour ago.

“No.” Eddie said, crossing his arms and glaring at Richie.

“You’re just going to sit there and sulk, huh?” Richie rolled his eyes but he wasn’t annoyed, he thought it was cute when Eddie got like this and he wanted nothing more than to put his around his waist and pull him in for a kiss but he couldn’t. Not yet. He just needed to pick the right moment.

“God, I’ve missed you guys.” Bev said, staring around the room at her friends. She missed them a lot, the way they always had such a good time together, the way they always fought but in a good way- they were just the perfect group of friends.

“Aw, we’ve missed you too.” Richie said, looking at Bev, who was on the other side of him. He reached over and pinched her cheek the way he always did to Eddie.

“I can see why Eddie hates that, you pinch hard.” Bev said, rubbing at her cheek.

Eddie laughed. “Tell me about it. He’s such a dick.”

Richie turned back to Eddie with a gleam in his eye. “You hate it when I pinch your cheek, yeah?”

Eddie could feel himself blush, he couldn’t help it, Richie was staring right at him and Richie’s eyes did things to him on the inside.

“Don’t you dare.” Eddie said, wincing and watching as Richie’s hand got closer to his face.

Instead of pinching, Richie lays his hand softly against Eddie’s cheek. He meant to pinch him, he honestly did but something about Eddie’s rosy little cheek made Richie just melt inside. _Fuck._

“Well, that was unexpectedly soft.” Bill said from across the circle and they realised that everyone was watching them with odd expressions.

“Unexpectedly? Bill, darling, we all know Richie has always been soft with Eddie. He’s sweet on him.” Bev said, grinning at the two of them.

Time seemed to freeze. They’d agreed to tell the others and this obviously was the right time but actually making that step seemed like jumping off a mountain.

“Me, sweet on ol’ Eddie?” Richie said, in a voice that none of them recognised. In truth, his nerves just meant that he couldn’t actually put on any of the voices he knew were actually decent. “I thought he was sweet on me.”

Eddie stared at Richie. What was he doing? He couldn’t stand this any longer, the way that his friends were looking at them with endless questions in their eyes. He couldn’t stand the way that Richie was trying to make it less awkward and failing miserably, succeeding only in making himself look insane. Eddie had to take this into his own hands.

“Yeah, I am.” He said, looking around the group as if daring them to say anything bad. “Anyone got a problem with that?”

Everyone continued to stare at them, having no idea what was going on.

“I’m so confused.” Stan said, eventually, voicing what everyone was thinking.

Richie rolled his eyes, hardly believing that his friends could be so dumb.

“Me and Eddie, we’re a thing.” He said, also looking at his friend with that intense look, trying to bait them out into saying something.

“Is this one of your jokes because if it is, I really don’t get it.” Mike said, ever the practical one, looking at Richie and Eddie and the way both of their cheeks are slightly flushed.

“Not a joke.” It was Eddie who spoke, who confirmed it in a quiet, serious voice, barely daring to look at his friends. To see what they really thought about him.

Everyone stayed silent for a while, kind of looking at each other, kind of avoiding everyone else’s looks.

“Okay, well I for one have questions if none of these dumbasses can speak.” Bev said, turning and glaring slightly at the other boys who were still silent.

“Take the floor, Beverly.” Richie said, using his arm to gesture that she could speak. Eddie remained quiet but his hand had found its way into Richie’s and they clutched at each other behind their backs.

“So, does this mean you guys are gay or just like…” She trailed off, not sure how to finish the question.

Richie stalled for a second. He didn’t expect them to go for the hard questions straight away but here they were and he wasn’t one for hiding when someone wanted to know the truth.

“Yeah, I am a full-blown homosexual. No, I haven’t been secretly watching any of you get changed or any of that weird stuff.” Richie said, eyeing his friends to see if they reacted. They all looked a bit sheepish. “And Eddie is… unconfirmed, right, Eds?”

Eddie looked pained. “Yeah.” He said quietly.

“Yeah, so I’m gay and Eddie is Richie-sexual. Any other questions?” Richie looked around the group.

“Rich.” Eddie said, whacking him on the arm but it was light and gentle and not like the way he usually did it.

“Sorry, babe.”

It just slipped out but Richie’s words were met with gasps from the group. It was just such a huge shock to see two of their closest friends _acting like a couple._ None of them had problems with it, it was just so shocking.

“So, you guys are like an actual couple?” It was Stan who spoke then, looking from Richie to Eddie and then back to Richie again.

Richie looked at Eddie as if for confirmation to speak. Eddie nodded, letting him answer the question.

“I mean kind of. We’re together but we’re not each other’s boyfriends, that just seemed a bit weird. We just say that we’re _something._” Richie smiled, looking over at Eddie, at the way his face lit up when he spoke.

The group all looked around at each other, before they all started smiling.

“I hate to say it but they’re kind of adorable.” Bill said, laughing.

“Of course, we are.” Richie grinned, putting his arm around Eddie so that he was kind of laying on top of him. “We’re the cutest.”

“Shut up.” Eddie said but it was into Richie’s chest and only Richie could hear it.

“Okay but we told you guys because we’re going to need your help. Obviously, it’s not safe for us to date each other or act like this in public but we really want to make things work. And it’s going to be hard because soon Mrs K is going to get suspicious and you know she hates me. I think she would actually chop off my dick if she thought it was going anywhere near her precious little Eddie.” Richie said, almost bitterly. The others gaped at him. “Not that my dick has gone anywhere near Eddie but you know, the potential is there.”

Eddie lifted his eyes to the ceiling. “I have no idea why we’re together.” He said, but he kept his arms around Richie, still gently resting his face on his chest.

“Well, I for one don’t mind if you ever want to come over here. You know my parents are never home and we’ve got plenty of space.” Bill said, gesturing to his house. “I mean like as a place to escape.”

“Aww, you’re so cute, Billy, thank you.” Richie laughed.

The rest of them agreed to help as well, anything they needed to help them be able to stay together. They all knew that it was going to be hard, that they were going to get a lot of hate if people found out. But everything seemed better now that other people knew. It seemed more natural, easier, brighter now that they had people around them who still loved them even if what they were doing was _wrong._ It didn’t seem as wrong anymore. How could being in love be wrong?


	5. 1994 i

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Richie and Eddie are tested. Will they survive?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Honestly, I'm so bad at summaries, I'm surprised I get any readers when my summaries are so bad.   
Anyway, this chapter is some fluff and then a LOT of angst, kind of made my heart hurt writing it so yours better hurt too.   
Thanks to everyone who's been reading this, your comments actually make me cry. I have problems accepting praise and I've never really been one for sharing my work so reading that people like what I wrote is genuinely amazing to me. I love every person reading this.

January-

Richie and Eddie had been _somethings_ for four months. They spent nearly every weekend curled up against each other, fighting the cold weather with the warmth of their bodies. They’d spent their first Christmas together- Richie sneaking through Eddie’s window on the night before Christmas Eve so that they could exchange presents and kisses before Mrs K took Eddie to Bangor so that they could spend the holidays with his aunts. Richie hadn’t had much money for presents, all his money was going towards the car that he was nearly ready to buy but he’d still gone out of his way to buy Eddie a record- The Verve, A Storm in Heaven. He knew that Eddie would listen to anything he bought him but he particularly thought Eddie would like this one. He could picture him and Eddie listening to it, holding hands, maybe even singing along. The thought itself made Richie dizzy with anticipation.

Eddie himself had saved up and bought Richie a sweater. It might have sounded boring to everyone else but to Richie, it was the world. He was always cold these days, ever since he’d shot up in height, his body was permanently cold and he couldn’t fit into Eddie’s snuggly sweaters anymore so Eddie had bought him one that was his own size. Richie knew that he couldn’t ever take it off around Eddie or he’d risk losing it forever, Eddie was always putting his clothes on and there was something amazingly cute about seeing Eddie swamped by his larger clothing. But Richie wanted to keep this one, it was the sweetest present he’d ever received.

The sweater was what he wore the day that Eddie got home from Bangor, crawling through Richie’s window at 1 am, looking like the most beautiful thing Richie had ever seen. It was the day after New Years and Richie had been asleep for hours when the faint knocking came from his window. At first, he thought it was just a dream, he had a strange feeling that maybe Mrs K was going to run away with Eddie and he would never see him again. Just before Christmas break, she had been relentless, barely letting Eddie out of the house, cutting their already short time down to practically nothing. But no, there was Eddie, sat on the ledge outside his window, looking like a dream come true.

Richie let him in quickly, closing the window before the room got too cold. It was still freezing, he’d taken to sleeping in his snuggly sweater, it was the only thing to keep him warm without Eddie to cuddle.

“You’re here, you’re actually here.” Richie said, practically into Eddie’s shoulder as he crushed him with a huge hug.

“It’s only been like 9 days, Rich.” Eddie said, but he was also holding on tighter than he ever had before.

“That’s 9 days too long for me.” Richie pulled Eddie onto the bed and under the covers and soon they were snuggling into each other, feeling that familiar warmth from their bodies.

They were quiet for a minute, just soaking up being in each other’s presence.

“I hate my mom.” Eddie said, quietly. Richie barely heard him but he knew instantly what he meant. It had been a while since Eddie had spent so long solidly in his mother’s company and he knew how manipulative she could be, how she constantly wanted to control Eddie.

“I know.” Richie couldn’t say any more than that even though he longed to. He knew that Eddie’s mom was an issue that was going to come up time and time again in their relationship and he didn’t want to say the wrong thing and risk losing Eddie.

“She hates you so much, Rich. And she doesn’t even know. I can’t bear to imagine what she’d say about you if she knew.” Eddie sounded so sad, so unsure of himself. Richie wondered if he knew how tightly he was holding his hand, whether he knew that his fingernails were breaking his skin but he didn’t care, at least he was holding Eddie’s hand.

“It’s okay, she doesn’t know.” Richie said, stroking Eddie’s back, his fingers poking under his jumper to touch his skin and feel the warmth that’s there.

“But Rich, we can’t do this forever, this sneaking around. It’s going to kill us.” Eddie said, a scared note in his voice.

“Well, we won’t always be sneaking around, will we? I’ve been thinking about it and we’re nearly 17 and then in a year we’ll be 18 and legally adults and we can go wherever the fuck we want. I’ll have a car and we can just drive somewhere.” Richie said, letting Eddie in on a dream he’s been holding close to his heart since the day that Eddie first kissed him. Sometimes it was all he thought about, finally managing to get Eddie away from his mother and into a better place.

“What about school?”

“We’ll be 18 in the March and we’ll have all our credits by then so we can still get diplomas even if we aren’t at graduation. Or we could wait, leave after graduation, I don’t mind sticking around those extra months.” Richie said, feeling ridiculously nervous that Eddie might reject him.

“I think I’d like to graduate but the second that those diplomas are in our hands then I’m yours. Have you thought about college?” Eddie said, looking at Richie with this mixture of hope and love in his eyes. _You’re already mine._ It was true, at this point they felt like they belonged to each other.

“Not really. I’ve always thought maybe I’d like to go to California. What about you, Eds?”

Eddie curled even more into Richie’s side, loving the way his chest swelled with every breath he took, loving how he could feel his heart beating.

“California sounds good to me.”

And then that was the plan. It was what they whispered about when they were alone; it’s what they thought about when they were on opposite sides of a classroom and they’d made eye contact; it’s what they talked about non-stop until their friends told them to kindly shut the fuck up.

Their friends pretended to hate but they loved watching their love blossom. Until of course, _the incident. _

-

March

Richie and Eddie’s birthdays were one day apart. It was annoying for their friends who had to find gifts for both of them but years ago, they’d discovered that they could just buy the one for them to share. There was the year that they’d bought them a new radio that was left in the clubhouse so everyone could use it and then the year that they’d bought them a bottle of cologne that they shared, spraying it at each other constantly to annoy the other. This year had been harder though, Richie and Eddie were now a real team and they were going through some tough things: Eddie’s mom was restricting him more and more; Richie was getting picked on more by the kids he’d ditched at his party and their friends just wanted to get them something that would make them happy. They decided, in the end, to get a photograph of the two of them printed out, arms curled around each other, staring into each other’s eyes. They got two copies, put them in cute little frames so they could carry them around in their backpacks.

They always did the gift exchange the day before Eddie’s birthday so that neither of them felt left out. They did it in the morning before school, all around Bill’s breakfast bar. Richie and Eddie were ecstatic, the presents were perfect, little reminders of each other that they could keep in their pockets. They loved the picture, the way they both looked so happy and so in love. They talked about keeping them forever, still carrying them about when they were 40 and had real lives and real jobs and maybe one day, they’d be able to get married and possibly even adopt. At that moment, in Bill’s kitchen with their friends and with each other, they could almost imagine they had perfect lives.

The illusion was shattered by lunchtime.

Eddie had just been walking to the cafeteria. He hadn’t done anything differently than how he walked to the cafeteria every single day of high school. He had his raincoat on because the sky had been threatening this morning and his mother would never have let him go to Bill’s unless he agreed to take a coat. In the pocket of his raincoat was the picture that his friends had given him this morning. He was subconsciously stroking it with his fingers, thinking about the smile on Richie’s face as they’d both looked at it this morning. He was thinking about the smile on Richie’s face when he walked straight into Annie and her boyfriend, some asshole named Steve who scared everyone in the school. Eddie instinctively took a step back; he was good at staying out of the way of these people. He could slip down hallways when he saw them coming and turn around so they wouldn’t recognise his face.

Eddie felt in his pocket for his picture. If he could touch it then maybe he’d feel some of Richie’s confidence rub off on him. Except, of course, it wasn’t there. It was lying in the middle of the floor between them. Eddie felt scared.

“What’s this, Kaspbrak?” Steve practically spat at him, reaching down to pick up the photograph.

_Oh God, Oh God, Oh God. _Eddie couldn’t breathe, hadn’t felt this out of breath since back when he’d believed he had asthma. He wished he had an inhaler now just so that he could stick something in his mouth to get air into his lungs.

“Leave him alone.” The words seemed to come from nowhere but suddenly, there was Richie striding down the hallway, trying to grab the picture from Steve.

“Trying to protect your boyfriend, Tozier?” Steve laughed, holding the photograph over Richie’s head. Even though Richie was tall now, he wasn’t quite tall enough.

“Fuck off, Steve.” Richie said, with such venom in his voice that Eddie nearly broke. He’d never heard Richie so angry before. “Just fuck off.”

“Are you denying it then? Because we’ve all seen how cosy you two are and this picture looks pretty _friendly_ to me.” Steve said, a tone in his voice that scared Eddie so much.

“Just leave us alone.” Richie said. He knew that saying ‘us’ wasn’t denying anything but he didn’t want to deny how he felt about Eddie, he just wanted them to be safe.

Eddie realised he’d closed his eyes and opened them to see Steve pushing Richie up against a locker. This was a quiet part of the school, no classrooms down this hallway, just bathrooms and janitor’s closets-the perfect place to get beaten up. Richie wasn’t small and he wasn’t weak but he was no match for Steve, especially because Eddie could see some more of Richie’s old friends walking this way. They’d been waiting all year for the right opportunity to pounce and now they had it.

Richie was squeaking, he could barely breathe, the hand around his neck was too much. He looked desperately at Eddie to see if he was okay. He looked fine- upset and scared but physically fine. Everything was okay then. Richie would take whatever they gave him as long as they left Eddie alone.

“Stop it, please.” Eddie couldn’t help himself. He knew that saying something was only going to make it worse but he didn’t care, he couldn’t just stand there and watch them hurt Richie.

Eddie felt someone push him on to the floor but at this point, he didn’t care. Richie’s face was turning purple, he couldn’t breathe. This wasn’t how their birthdays were supposed to start and at this point, it was starting to look like Eddie would be spending his birthday in the hospital, watching Richie fight for his fucking life.

“You want us to stop?” Steve turned to Eddie as if remembering his existence. He let go of Richie enough that his face returned to a normal colour.

“Yes.” Eddie said, quietly but forcefully.

“Okay, we’ll stop,” Steve said. “when you admit that you’re a fucking fag and this is your boyfriend.”

Eddie’s heart stopped beating, like actually stopped beating. He opened his mouth to say something but nothing would come out.

Steve pulled back and punched Richie with a force that made his head bang into the locker behind him. His glasses flew off his face, fracturing the lens and landing next to Eddie. He looked like he was about to cry but he wouldn’t do it. He bit his swollen lip, forcing himself not to break down in front of these idiots. He looked at Eddie, pleading him with his eyes. _It doesn’t matter what they think about us._ Eddie looked away. Richie’s heart broke in that single gesture and from then on, he didn’t care what these dicks did to him, it couldn’t match the pain in his heart.

“Not going to say it, huh.” Steve said, laughing again and placing another well-placed punch to Richie’s face. Richie winced, tasting blood in his mouth but he didn’t care. Eddie still wouldn’t look his way.

“I’m not gay and Richie isn’t my fucking boyfriend.” Eddie said, words flying out of his mouth before he could consider the consequences. None of it was technically a lie, Eddie had never called himself gay and they’d never agreed to call each other boyfriends but just because it was technically true, didn’t mean it wasn’t betrayal.

Steve punched Richie one last time, in the stomach this time, causing him to bend double in pain before he let him sink to the floor.

“Guess you got your answer there, Tozier.” Steve laughed. He kicked out at Eddie but Eddie curled in a ball, taking the hit on his back and it didn’t really hurt but he lay there in the ball until long after Steve had gone. Then he remembered Richie and what he’d said and what he’d let them do.

Eddie got up, crawling over to where Richie was on the floor. He was crying now, they both were.

“Come on, Rich, I’ll help you up.” Eddie said, reaching down for Richie’s arm.

“No,” Richie said, his voice quiet and in pain. “stay away from me.”

Bill and Stan came running down the hallway.

“I just heard; Steve is bragging to everyone about what he did to you.” Bill said, breathlessly.

“Shit, Rich, you don’t look so good.” Stan said, helping Richie get up. They slid upwards along the locker, the secure feeling of the metal helping Richie ground himself.

“I’m fine, I just need to get to the nurse’s office.” Richie said, clearly lying, clearly not fine at all.

“Okay, come on.” Eddie said, trying again, trying to twist under Richie’s arm so that he was helping him up and so that he was as close as possible to Richie.

Richie stepped away, nearly falling over except Stan was holding so tightly that he couldn’t.

“Get the fuck away from me, Eddie or I swear.” Richie said, turning to look at Eddie with a look that Eddie had never seen before.

Eddie turned and walked away; he had no choice. He couldn’t ever see Richie look at him like that again. He walked backwards until he reached the janitor’s closet and he locked himself inside and he cried until the last bell rang and it was time for him to go home.

Stan and Bill didn’t ask what had happened with Richie and Eddie, they kind of didn’t need to know. They knew that Richie was a fucking mess and that Eddie was fine and that Richie was mad. They could work the rest out themselves, picking up on the guilty look on Eddie’s face and the way Richie just wanted to go home.

Stan drove Richie home, checking on him the whole time to make sure that he was still alive and didn’t suddenly have brain damage. Stan stayed while Richie showered the blood off him and changed into sweatpants and a hoodie. Stan stayed while Richie crawled into bed. They didn’t speak much; they didn’t need to. Richie was hurting and Stan was his best friend, he would stay there for however long Richie needed.

It turned out that Stan had been right, Richie needed him a little while longer because just after school should have finished, there was a knock at Richie’s window.

Stan looked at Eddie, sat on Richie’s windowsill like he belonged there, like he’d climbed up to this point a million times and Stan knew that he had. Part of him wanted to walk over there, open the window and push Eddie off; it was what he deserved for putting his best friend through this much pain. But Eddie was his friend too and he knew that Eddie would be hurting too and that Eddie would never try and cause Richie pain.

“Tell him to go away.” Richie said, crawling even further under his duvet, not even asking who was at the window.

“I think he just wants to explain, Rich.” Stan said, gently, looking at the crying Eddie outside the window.

“You weren’t there. If you were then you’d know there’s no explanation.” Richie said into the covers.

Stan didn’t argue with him, he knew that Richie was stubborn and there was no way that he’d agree to let Eddie in.

Instead, Stan walked over to the window and opened it slightly, just enough to talk and to show Eddie that he wasn’t allowed in.

“He wants you to go.” Stan said, feeling really stupid for being stuck in the middle of this but also fiercely protective of his best friend. “I think you should go.”

“I don’t want to. Stan, he’s not even giving me a chance. He’s just blocking me out.” Eddie said, sobbing, looking like a pathetic mess. He was cold too but he didn’t care, he’d freeze to death before he’d move from this position.

“He just needs some time. He’s in pain. I don’t really know what happened back there but I can guess and honestly, Eddie, you don’t come out of it looking good.” Stan spoke simply but the words hit Eddie with the force they were meant to.

“It wasn’t my fault.” Eddie was aware of how pathetic he sounded. He wanted to throw himself off the stupid ledge at this point.

“Just give him some time, Eddie.”

Stan knew he was just saying clichés now. He wasn’t sure that time was going to heal what Eddie broke but what he did know was that Richie was sobbing in bed behind him and he needed Eddie to leave, even if that meant just closing the window and leaving him out there. So that’s what Stan did, moving back to his seat next to Richie’s bed, looking up occasionally to see that of course, Eddie was still there, freezing to death in silence.


	6. 1994 ii

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Continuation of last chapter. Eddie hurt Richie really badly, leaving him to get beaten up rather than admit they are together. Can he fix things before they get worse?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so this is really bad because I am awful at conflict resolution. (Don't believe me? Ask any of my 9489483983 ex-friends who I cut off rather than deal with conflict resolution.) But yeah, I guess this is my attempt at conflict resolution.

March-

Stan left late that night, giving Eddie one more glance out of the window before he made his way downstairs. He knew that there was no way Richie was going to let him in today, everything was still too raw but he did know that they loved each other and he hoped they could work something out or he’d lose one of his friends.

Richie knew that Eddie was still out there and he was worried. He wanted to open his window and drag him in and cover him with blankets so he warmed up but he couldn’t do it. If he accepted what Eddie did, then it made it like it was okay and it definitely wasn’t okay. He just made sure he was facing away from the window so that he didn’t feel guilty.

Eddie stayed until his eyes started to droop and he knew it was dangerous to be up there if he could fall asleep because he would genuinely fall to the ground. Instead, he shuffled backwards and down the drainpipe until he got to the yard and then he ran home.

He knew that his mom would be worried, he always came home straight away from school so that they could eat dinner together but he didn’t care. He just wanted to sleep for a few hours and then go back to Richie’s and wait until he let him talk.

Eddie opened his front door quietly, hoping that his mother was already asleep.

“Edward Kaspbrak, you come here right now. Do you have any idea how worried I’ve been.” She shouted, before he was actually through the door.

Eddie walked into the living room, feeling like the worst person alive. All he’d done was hurt other people today and he had always thought he was a good person, someone who cared so much about everyone else. Maybe that was the problem, maybe he cared too much.

“Sorry, Ma, I had a bad day and I just wanted to be alone.” Eddie said, his voice low and sad.

“You aren’t sick, are you?” Mrs K said, looking him up and down as if expecting some virus to jump out and start attacking her.

“No, just some people at school. It’s fine, I just need to go to bed.” Eddie looked at the door, wondering whether he could just walk straight out of it. He longed to be with Richie, for their bodies to be curled together, whispering about California and how far away it was from Derry.

“Not so fast.” His mother said, following his gaze to the door. “Sit down.”

Eddie complied and sat down on one of the large armchairs that were spread around the room. He looked at his mother expectantly.

“You’ve been acting really oddly these past few months, Eddie. Now, I put it down to you growing up and hormones but it’s really starting to worry me. You never spend any time with me anymore, you’re always off with your friends and I know you’ve been spending an increasing amount of time with the Tozier boy and I’ve always said he’s trouble.” Mrs K was babbling in an anxious way, a way that made Eddie’s skin itch like he longed to scratch it off.

“Richie, Ma, his name is Richie.” Eddie couldn’t keep the annoyance out of his voice.

“I don’t like it, Eddie.” Mrs K shook her head, sounding more and more insane by the minute. “I don’t want you to spend any more time with him. Look at you- coming home at all hours, freezing, talking back to me. I won’t have it in my house, Eddie.”

Eddie felt something in him break. He was _tired._ He couldn’t do this anymore. If he hadn’t monumentally fucked up, then he would have walked out of this room and all the way to Richie’s and stayed there until he calmed down. Except, he didn’t have that option right now. He could only do the thing he’d been doing for years- going along with his mother’s shit.

“Fine, Ma. I just need to go to bed.”

Mrs K let him, smiling at her victory. She didn’t need to know that Eddie was planning to skip school on his birthday to camp outside Richie’s window; she never needed to know.

The next morning, Eddie got up hours earlier than he would normally. He crept out of the house, leaving a note for his mom saying that he wanted to speak to his guidance counsellor before class. He hoped she’d buy it. Then he walked over to the Tozier’s, climbed back up the drainpipe and sat back on the window ledge like he’d never left. The curtain was closed now, Richie must have known he left. That made Eddie’s heart hurt more.

Richie woke up to light streaming through the gaps in his curtains. He could see the figure behind the window, silhouetted. Richie put his head back on the pillow, turning away from Eddie. He couldn’t bear to look at him: it was his birthday and he was sat out in the cold, just waiting for Richie to talk to him. It was pathetic and stupid but Richie just wanted to hold him and sing happy birthday while he squirmed in his arms. He had a birthday plan, for God’s sake and now that was going out of the window while Eddie literally sat at his window.

They didn’t go to school. Richie had been told to take a day off from the nurse, he was supposed to go be checked over by a doctor in case he broke some ribs but he didn’t want to move from his bed. Eddie couldn’t bear the thought of leaving because what if Richie decided to forgive him when he was at school. Or what if by going to school, Eddie was disproving his devotion to Richie because surely Richie was more important than school.

Nothing happened until it went dark. The second night in a row that they’d been in these exact same positions. Eddie was getting more and more heartbroken by the minute since Richie had never even opened his curtains at all, so he’d barely been able to see him through the material.

Richie, however, was restless. He’d spent hours reliving that fight yesterday, going over every single thing that was said, everything that was done. He tried to live it from Eddie’s perspective but he found that hard without knowing exactly what was going through his mind. Richie also felt bad that Eddie had skipped school for the first time ever and he was spending that freedom stuck, freezing to death on his window ledge when they could have skipped together and spend Eddie’s birthday in bed, cuddling. And Eddie always went out for a birthday dinner with his mom but it was nearly 9 pm and he was still there. Richie couldn’t take it anymore.

Swallowing every bad feeling he had, Richie walked to the window, pushed the curtain to the side and opened it. Eddie looked so surprised that he nearly fell off the ledge.

“You coming in or what?” Richie asked, his voice monotonous.

Eddie nodded briefly, not sure what to make his face look like. He climbed through the window and went and perched awkwardly on the edge of Richie’s desk chair while Richie took the bed.

“So happy birthday.” Richie said, looking anywhere in the room that wasn’t Eddie’s eyes because he knew if he looked into Eddie’s eyes then he wouldn’t be able to stop himself from kissing him until they both couldn’t breathe.

“Thanks, Rich.” Eddie said, quietly and slowly like he wasn’t sure how to speak anymore.

Finally, Richie looked at him. Eddie could barely breathe when he looked at the cuts and bruises that littered Richie’s face; he wanted to reach across and kiss them all better.

“I’m really sorry.” Eddie spoke again, hating the pained way that Richie was looking at him, wishing he could make it go away.

Richie exhaled. He should have planned something to say before he let Eddie inside because now it felt like his brain had melted out of his ears. He had no idea what to say but he had to try anyway.

“I get it, I mean I don’t _really_ get it but I get why you did that. Doesn’t mean that I’m okay with it though.” Richie said, eventually, not even sure he knew what his words meant.

Eddie looked at Richie thoughtfully. In fact, he had so many thoughts in his head that he was finding it hard to pick one and run with it. He was sorry and he knew that Richie knew that; he’d been sat on his window ledge for nearly a full day. But there was other stuff, things he’d never shared with Richie that had made him act the way he did and he never wanted to try and say it, in case it didn’t make sense but he knew that this was the time.

“I hate myself; you know.” Eddie said, his voice cracking a little bit. “I hate my stupid face and my stupid body and my stupid mind always telling me that I’m sick. I hate the fact I’m short and kind of feminine-looking. But those aren’t things I can change. I’m stuck like this.” Eddie started crying, huge sobs that wracked his whole body.

Richie’s mind went blank to anything except for Eddie and he reached across, pulling him closer to him, wanting to protect him from these feelings. Richie didn’t know that Eddie felt this way about himself, he knew that Eddie had issues that he had to get over but he didn’t know that they were like this.

“Hey, don’t say stuff like that.” Richie said, stroking the tears away from Eddie’s face.

“I hate my mom; I hate that she wants to keep me locked in the house all the time and she’s getting worse. I hate that she’s dripped her words into me like poison and that it’s spreading and that I couldn’t just fucking stand up for you. I hate that I can’t just own who I am.” Eddie continued to cry, shaking in Richie’s arms.

Richie didn’t really know what to do. He wasn’t mad anymore; Eddie’s well-being was a hundred times more important than what happened yesterday anyway. He just wanted to make this better but he knew that this wasn’t something that he could just make better.

“It’s okay, you don’t have to own anything right now and they put us in a really shit position, Eds. It wasn’t your fault- they’ve wanted to do this to me since my birthday and this was just the easiest opportunity.” Richie said, softly. Eddie cried harder, hearing how gentle Richie was being.

“Please don’t cry, Eds, it’s your birthday.”

“I’m sorry, I just keep thinking about what happened and how I didn’t defend you and then I went home and my mom was chatting shit about you and I didn’t defend you to her either. I just can’t wait for California.” Eddie said, looking up at Richie with a startled expression when he realised what he’d said. _What if Richie didn’t want to take him to California anymore?_

Richie smiled, the first time he’d smiled in over 27 hours. “I know, me neither.”

Eddie couldn’t help himself but smile, Richie was letting him back in. He was holding him again, albeit awkwardly because he was on the stupid desk chair and Richie was still on the bed.

“I’m sorry, I was being so selfish and shutting you out on your birthday.” Richie said, smoothing down Eddie’s hair in a way that just made him melt inside.

“Please don’t apologise when I was the one who was a total asshole.”

“Don’t call yourself an asshole. Only I’m allowed to call you an asshole, asshole.” Richie said, he couldn’t help it. He wanted everything to feel normal again and things were only going to start feeling normal again if they stopped apologising to each other and being awkward.

Eddie giggled against Richie’s arm and it sent a surge of emotion to his chest.

“Anyway, I had birthday plans for you. They were supposed to be this morning but I guess now will do.” Richie said, pulling away from Eddie and standing up.

“What birthday plans?” Eddie looked at Richie suspiciously.

“Well, it starts like this.” Richie said, grabbing Eddie onto the bed and pinning him down with his legs. Eddie looked up at Richie, feeling a huge array of feelings.

“Yeah.” Eddie said, feeling breathless.

“And then.” Richie dipped down and kissed Eddie square on the mouth. Just as Eddie began to ease into the kiss, Richie pulled back and began singing ‘happy birthday’ in the most annoying voice.

“Oh God, no.” Eddie tried to cover his ears with his hands.

Soon they were both collapsed in a heap of giggles, the whole argument feeling like something that had happened in a dream or to other people really far away. Neither of them forgot though; Eddie could never forget the pained look that Richie had given him and Richie could never forget what Eddie had told him. He hated to think of the way Eddie thought of himself and he would have done anything to change it.


	7. 1994 iii

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mrs Kaspbrak is a horrible human being who wants to break Eddie and Richie's hearts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one took me longer to write than the others because it was a little bit too close to home for me and I really struggled writing the stuff about Eddie's mother. Hopefully, it's good enough.

June-

Richie and Eddie quickly slid into a routine. On the two days a week when Mrs K worked until 8, they’d crash in Eddie’s room, squished up into his single bed, whispering promises and hopes into each other’s lips and hair and necks. Then just before she was due to get home, Richie would sprint down the stairs and out the front door, all the way back to his house. Wednesdays were Tozier family dinner and these days, Eddie was invited more weeks than not. No questions were asked and nothing was assumed, Richie’s parents just knew that Eddie was more comfortable in their house than his own. Fridays were always movie nights at Bill’s and the whole group would chill in his living room, throwing popcorn at each other.

Weekends were proving more and more difficult. Eddie and Richie wanted to spend all their time together but Mrs K just was always getting in the way. She’d drag Eddie to Bangor to visit relatives for whole weekends at a time, almost as if she thought that taking Eddie away would get him to change back to the little kid who wouldn’t try and fight back. But nothing she did would stop him from pulling away from her; he was 17 and he had his own life now. More and more, he was pulling away.

One morning, Eddie was running a tiny bit late for school. Richie had crept through his window late last night for a last-minute cuddle session and he’d not been able to bring himself to get up in the morning. He was just pulling on a light summer jacket (his mother not even letting him go out in June without a jacket) when he entered the kitchen.

“Eddie, dear.” Mrs K said, standing at the stove.

Eddie was surprised. Neither of them was morning people and normally they just ate in silence before heading off in their separate directions.

“Yeah?” He said, sticking a piece of toast in his mouth.

“Are you going to get a haircut anytime soon?”

Eddie touched his hair self-consciously. He had been growing it, Richie said that he wanted to see what it looked like when it hit a length to naturally curl. It was also kind of nice to do something obvious that he knows his mother doesn’t approve of. It was a way to push her limits slightly so she didn’t realise the true extent to how he was pushing her limits.

“No, Ma, I like it like this.” He pushed a bit of it out of his eyes, liking the weight of it.

“You look like nobody owns you, Eddie. People will be thinking that I don’t take good care of you.”

Eddie rolled his eyes.

“You’ll have to cut it before we go on vacation anyway.”

Eddie’s head whipped up at the word ‘vacation.’ They hadn’t gone on vacation since he was five and his dad had died and even then, they’d only spent long weekends at the beach. He’d never been on a real vacation.

“What are you talking about?” Eddie said, trying to keep his voice calm despite the fact that he felt anything but calm.

“I was thinking about how we’ve never gone and visited your Uncle John and Aunt Lucy in New York and you’re 17 now and old enough to visit a big city and they have that lovely house in the suburbs so I called and they said that we can stay for as long as want, maybe even the whole summer.” Mrs K sounded so excited. Eddie felt like he’d been kicked in the teeth.

“But I don’t want to go on vacation.” Eddie said, speaking honestly. He didn’t want to spend a weekend away from Richie, let alone two months.

“Don’t be so ungrateful, Eddie. It would do you good to get away from Derry for a little while.”

Eddie knew at that moment. He knew that maybe his mother didn’t know everything, maybe she hadn’t worked everything out but he knew that she had planned this trip as a way to try and control him. She was trying to isolate him from his friends, from _Richie_ so that she could try and manipulate her way back into controlling his every move.

“I am not going on vacation.” Eddie said, not a single note of emotion in his voice. He just walked out of the door, head down, angry eyes on the ground until he made it to school.

Richie found him almost immediately.

“Who do I need to murder?” Richie said, taking in the anger in Eddie’s eyes and knowing that something is deeply wrong.

“My fucking mom.” Eddie spat the words out, feeling hot anger rage inside him. “She’s so fucking pathetic.”

Richie just wanted to take Eddie to his car in the parking lot and then just drive until they were as far away from Derry and Mrs Kaspbrak as possible. He also wanted to walk over to Eddie’s house and rant and rave at her about what a wonderful son she had and how she never appreciated him enough. Instead, he just held Eddie while he shook with anger, not giving a shit to how it looked to the rest of the student population.

“What’d she do?” Richie said, daring to even ask.

“She wants to take me on vacation for the entire summer.”

Richie’s heart constricted. He had never spent a whole summer without Eddie before and the thought of having to do that now made him feel actually sick.

“Like two months?” Richie held onto Eddie like he might just disappear right then and there.

“Yep.” Eddie’s anger made his words sound like bullets.

“We can talk on the phone; I’ll write you fucking letters. It’ll be okay, Eds, I promise.”

Eddie shuddered. “But I don’t want to talk on the phone and I don’t want to read any letters. We had plans, we were going to go on adventures in your car and camp out under the stars and then I was finally going to-“ Eddie cut himself off as if he was talking about something he’d been thinking but hadn’t meant to say.

Richie’s ears pricked up. “Finally going to…?” He smirked at Eddie until Eddie whacked him in the face, a blush on his face.

“None of your business, asshole.”

-

Eddie agreed to go on vacation with his mother. It seemed easier in the end than stirring up a load of angst. And at the end of the day, he was moving away in a year anyway and then he could spend all his time with Richie and his mother couldn’t do anything to stop him.

They were to leave the Monday after school finished, leaving Eddie one last weekend to spend with Richie and his friends before he was forced to leave them all for two months. He’d been clear with his mother that if she was insisting that they leave for so long, this weekend was for him and for him alone and she wasn’t allowed to guilt-trip him to staying home. It had worked and she’d waved him off this morning.

Now, he was stretched out in Richie’s lovely double bed, the covers all on the floor, their clothes halfway to joining them. It was hot and they were sweaty and making out and in love and they almost didn’t care that Eddie was going away for months because who cared about the future when they had _right now._

Richie was planting kisses on Eddie’s body going lower and lower until there was nowhere that Eddie could hide and he felt like he might just burst out of his skin. He’d never felt like this before, never felt so completely alive than he did right now with Richie pinning him to the bed.

Just as Richie was kissing him on his hip, there was a sharp knock on the door.

“I know you’re in there.” Mrs Tozier said through the locked door.

Eddie and Richie looked at each other. Richie’s parents never knocked on his door when they were in there. They hadn’t talked about it but it was clear that they knew that Richie and Eddie were more than friends and they seemed cool with it.

“What’s up, Mom?” Richie yelled through the door, getting up and throwing Eddie his shirt. They both got dressed quickly, giving each other confused looks.

Finally, they were decent enough to open the door. Despite the clothes, it was still obvious that they had been making out with messy hair and swollen lips.

“Hey, sorry.” Mrs Tozier said, smiling at them with a sad look in her eyes. “But your mom’s downstairs, Eddie.”

Eddie stopped breathing.

Richie immediately put his arm around him, pulling him closer as if he could be a human barrier against what was waiting for them downstairs.

“I’m sorry, Eddie.” Mrs Tozier brushed some of Eddie’s hair off his face, a motherly action that was actually really sweet. “I tried to say that you weren’t here but she just _knew._”

“Fuck.” It was Richie who spoke, definitely not caring about swearing in front of his mother. He just held Eddie tighter.

“I guess we got to go down there.” Eddie said, looking at Mrs Tozier rather than at Richie. He thought that he might break if he looked at Richie.

“Yeah, sweetie.” Mrs Tozier said. “But just know that whatever happens, you are always welcome here. _Always._” She looked at him meaningfully and Richie squeezed his hand at the same time. He’d never felt so loved in his life.

They walked downstairs slowly, Richie still clutching Eddie’s hand so tightly it hurt. He wanted to let go, Richie’s hand felt like it was burning his but he also never wanted to let go of Richie’s hand. There was no point in hiding anymore, Mrs K clearly knew and this conversation was never going to go well.

She was sat at one of the chairs at the Tozier’s dining table. Her hair was a mess and she had clearly been crying. Eddie stiffened just seeing her like that. He had a resolve in his head. _Don’t back down. This is not a compromise situation. This is your _real_ life, Eddie and it’s not one you can just change._ It was hard to stick to his resolve when he saw her all weepy and sad; he’d spent his entire life just trying to make her happy, it was a hard thing to change.

“Edward, get your things, we’re going home.” Mrs Kaspbrak said, rising to her feet and pointing at Eddie.

Eddie immediately shrunk backwards, squeezing Richie’s hand for reassurance.

“Edward, now.”

Eddie had Richie on one side of him, pressed to him tightly and Mrs Tozier on the other side, her hand on his arm as if to say, ‘it’s okay.’

“No.” Eddie said. It was kind of quiet but it was also kind of forceful and Mrs Kaspbrak looked like Eddie had just spat in her face.

“I wasn’t asking, I was telling.” She said, resolutely, walking towards Eddie, her arm already out to grab him. Both Richie and Mrs Tozier stepped in front of him, blocking her from reaching him.

“Nope.” Richie said, shaking his head. He was trying not to lash out and say something that would hurt Eddie but it was so hard, he hated her stupid face so much.

“Get your dirty hands off my son now, you-you disgust me.” Mrs Kaspbrak cried, staring right at Richie in the face.

Richie’s hands curled into fists, even the one that was holding Eddie’s hand. He felt Eddie pulling back as if to say ‘don’t’ so he relaxed his hands and tried to push his anger down inside of him.

“You don’t get to come into my house and say stuff like that to my kid, Sonia.” Mrs Tozier spoke then, looking at Mrs Kaspbrak like she wanted to kill her.

“You know then, Maggie? Do you know what your son has been doing to my boy? Do you know what he is? How he’s been corrupting my Eddie?”

Eddie felt like the room was spinning. He wanted to be back to ten minutes ago, lying in Richie’s bed, not here where everything was bad.

“I know that you need to leave now, Sonia.” Mrs Tozier was quieter now, her anger clearly getting worse.

“That’s exactly what I plan to do. Come on, Edward, we’re leaving. Say goodbye to that boy, you won’t be seeing him again. We’re going to get you some help.”

Eddie sobbed, holding Richie’s hand close to his heart. He couldn’t go with her; he couldn’t lose Richie over his mother but it was so hard. She was the only family had and he didn’t want to lose her either, he just wanted her to back off. And he wasn’t sure what kind of help his mother was referring to but it didn’t sound good; it sounded like the kind of thing that he had been having nightmares about since the day he realised he was in love with Richie.

“I’m not leaving Richie.” Eddie said, his voice clear besides the tears.

Mrs Kaspbrak looked lost for words. Eddie had never done something like this before and she wasn’t sure how she could continue. She knew that Eddie was just lashing out, trying to break her control and that he wasn’t really in love with that Tozier boy. Her Eddie was an innocent little boy and he’d clearly been manipulated by Richie to think things about himself that weren’t true. She’d get him the help he needed to realise that’s not what he wanted. And as for his defiance? Well, he’d see how much he needed his mother when he couldn’t have her, wouldn’t he? He’d definitely come crawling back when the alternative was being homeless.

“Fine, then I’m leaving.” Mrs Kaspbrak said, glaring at Richie and Mrs Tozier before turning away. “But you will not be welcome in my house until you agree to never see him again.”

With that Mrs Kaspbrak threw herself out of the room.

Eddie collapsed onto the closest chair, curling in on himself and sobbing. Richie and Mrs Tozier looked at each other, nearly in tears themselves.

“I mean what I said, Eddie. You’re welcome to stay here as long as you need. Heck, you can stay here until graduation if it means that you don’t have to go back to that.” Mrs Tozier said, stroking Eddie’s back.

Eddie cried harder. “Thank you.” He managed to get out between sobs.

Richie was pacing the room, hands fully in fists now. He wanted to comfort Eddie, of course, he did but he was so angry right now that he was incapable. He was angry and scared.

He’d heard Eddie whisper when Mrs Kaspbrak was shouting, he kept whispering over and over like a mantra ‘I’m not sick.’ Richie was terrified that any second now Eddie was going to follow his mother out of the door. He felt ill at the thought of a life without Eddie, of Eddie having a life in which he was scared to be himself because of what his idiot of a mother said.

“Richie.” Mrs Tozier said, looking at him meaningfully as if to say _what are you doing?_

Richie shook himself out of his anger and tried to push his fears away. Eddie was still here and he was a mess; he needed him. Richie walked over to Eddie, perching on the edge of the chair so that he could wrap his arms around Eddie’s head.

“Hey, baby.” He said, gently, smoothing some of Eddie’s hair away from where it was stuck to his face in tears. Eddie stirred slightly in his arms, moving so that he was resting on Richie’s chest. He wasn’t crying so much now, more just quiet and unmoving. Richie hated it, hated seeing one of the liveliest people he knew reduced to this.

Suddenly, Eddie sat up straight, nearly knocking Richie onto the floor.

“It’s all my fault.” Eddie said in a strangled voice, looking worse than Richie had ever seen him. Not that he wasn’t always beautiful, but he looked so sad, so broken.

“What do you mean, Eddie baby?” Richie said, softly. “It’s not your fault.”

“No, it is.” Eddie looked more serious than sad now. “I was packing and I wanted to put our picture somewhere where I could find it easily and I was going to put it in the top of my bag but then I got distracted and I left it on my pillow. She must have found it.”

Eddie spun around and pushed his head into the cushion behind him, letting out what sounded like a scream into the material. Richie stroked his back in circles.

“Eddie, that’s not your fault. She was going to find out someday.”

“But she didn’t need to find out today. She could have found out someday when we were packing our bags and leaving, not when I have to be here for another year.” Eddie didn’t sound anywhere near as distraught anymore, he just sounded pissed off.

Mrs Tozier made them dinner and the three of them ate in near enough silence, Richie and Eddie holding hands under the table almost as if they were scared that if they let go for even a moment, they’d be ripped apart forever. Maggie Tozier watched her son and what she assumed was his boyfriend. She didn’t care that they were together apart from the fact that she knew that they were going to have to struggle through some issues, like the one they were going through today. She just wanted to see Richie happy and she knew that in the few months that Eddie had been spending more time at their house, Richie was happier than ever and she would do anything to keep it that way, even if it meant Eddie staying with them constantly.

After they’d eaten, Mrs Tozier offered to go and set up the spare room but Richie shot her a look of determination that read _Eddie’s staying in my room and don’t you dare question it._ She just nodded, knowing that it was an argument for another time when they both didn’t look so down.

Richie pulled Eddie up to his room, not sure that he trusted him to not disappear if he wasn’t holding him. They tumbled into Richie’s room, both of them heading straight for the bed. Eddie turned at the last minute though, leaving Richie to crawl onto the bed, watching how Eddie paced around the room.

“I don’t want to ask if you’re okay because you’re clearly not but…” Richie started, looking at how Eddie was grabbing fistfuls of his hair as if in deep thought.

“That’s the thing, Rich.” Eddie said, finally looking him in the face. “I was so sad and I was so angry and so scared but now? Now, I just feel relieved.” He looked embarrassed as he spoke as if it was wrong for him not to be upset.

“Yeah?” Richie looked up at him in surprise.

“Like I’ve spent my whole life doing all this shit that my mother wanted me to do- I act the way she wants, I do the things she asks even when they’re ridiculous like when she made me go to the doctor that time I got a paper cut. I even dress the way she wants. Have you seen the way I dress, Rich, how you’re attracted to me, I have no idea.” Eddie said, babbling as he looked into Richie’s full-length mirror, pulling at his coral coloured polo shirt and his knee-length khaki shorts.

“Shut up, you know you’re beautiful.” Richie said, kind of perplexed but kind of loving whatever was going on right now.

Eddie pulled his shirt off. In the past few months, Eddie had grown about an inch and his body had evened out more, making his skin taut and firm. Richie loved it.

“You’re just blind.” Eddie said, still looking at himself in the mirror.

“I mean, I am but that doesn’t mean you’re not gorgeous. And clothes don’t matter, I’d want to be with you even if you wore tank tops and flip flops.” Richie laughed.

“That is a very disturbing thought.” Eddie looked at Richie. “But seriously, I think I could buy some new clothes.”

“I wouldn’t say no to seeing your ass in some tight jeans.”

“Rich.” Eddie threw his shirt at Richie’s face but he was blushing.

“What else are you going to do now that you’re a free man?” Richie said, pulling Eddie’s shirt off his face and looking at him with raised eyebrows.

Eddie continued to look at himself in the mirror. “I want to carry on growing my hair a bit.”

“I’m on board.”

“And I always thought that it would be pretty cool if I could paint my nails or something.” Eddie didn’t sound sure but it was something he always had thought. He thought it would look pretty badass.

Richie crawled across the bed until he was closest, he could get to Eddie. He was looking at him with an intensity Eddie had never seen.

“That would be the hottest thing I’ve ever seen.” Richie whispered, grabbing Eddie’s arm and pulling him towards him.

“And definitely some clothes that don’t make me look twelve.”

“Sweetie, you definitely don’t look twelve.” Richie pulled Eddie onto his lap, kissing his neck until he squirmed. Eddie moved his head back, giving Richie better access to his throat.

“You could bite me?” Eddie said, feeling slightly nervous, looking at Richie with a gleam in his eye.

“W-what?” Richie could barely get the words out.

“Like you could bite my neck if you wanted to. I always wanted you too but I was too scared that my mom would see and flip out but now, I don’t care. Mark me up, baby.” Eddie sighed, shuffling in Richie’s lap until Richie held him still.

“Wow, okay, I think I like this new Eddie.” Richie said, putting his mouth to Eddie’s neck and feeling his pulse.

It was the perfect end to one of the worst days in both their lives. They knew that things were only going to get harder, that they hadn’t solved all their problems but, at that moment, everything melted away and they only had each other. They were all they needed.


	8. 1994 iv

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Richie and Eddie do cute things because they are in love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is super short and not that good but I'm tired and I just moved back to uni and I want to get this finished so sorry. It's just a nice bit of fluff before I kill you with angst.
> 
> Also, I know I said it was only going to be like 7 chapters but clearly it is not and I'm maybe halfway so please feel free to give up since it's going to be a long one. 
> 
> As always your comments make my day so leave one if you want me to cry.

July-

Eddie stood behind the door, looking around nervously. He hardly ever felt nervous around Richie, especially since they’d been spending every minute of the day with each other but this was an exception. He’d refused Richie’s offer of help and gone to spend a couple of days with Bev in Portland so they could go shopping and change up his style some. He loved Richie but Richie had no style and Bev had always been into fashion so it seemed like the best decision.

Except now, Eddie was stood in front of Richie’s door in his new clothes, those tight jeans that Richie had requested and a t-shirt in a light blue colour that apparently made his eyes seem brighter. He had his hair styled the way Bev had shown him after he’d had the sides cut a bit so the top seemed floppier over his eyes and he’d rubbed some product through it so it curled more effortlessly. His fingernails were painted jet black, although it had chipped slightly in the hours since Bev had painted them. He was even wearing some mascara after Bev had pushed a tube into his hand as he went to leave, telling him that it would do wonders for his eyelashes. In truth, Eddie was worried that he looked too different or that Richie wasn’t going to like it. He didn’t think he could bear it if Richie laughed at him.

It was late when Eddie’s train got in and he’d told Richie to wait at home, he didn’t want him to have to drive out and get him late at night when he could just walk back to Richie’s from the station. Richie wasn’t happy about it but he’d finally agreed after Eddie had said that if he came, he would just refuse to get into the car and anyway, he wanted to debut his new look in the light of Richie’s room where he could really appreciate it. So, Eddie had walked home, building up the courage to show Richie and now he was outside his door, feeling almost sick with nerves.

“Eds, is that you?” Richie said, sleepily from behind the door.

Eddie immediately stopped feeling nervous. It was only Richie; Richie said that he’d want him even if he wore flip flops and tank tops and he definitely looked better than he would if he was wearing flip flops and a tank top.

Hesitantly, Eddie opened the door and stepped into Richie’s room. Richie rolled over in the bed to stare at him from under the covers. His hair was also askew from being asleep and he didn’t have his glasses on so he had to squint to even see Eddie.

“Oh shit, let me put my glasses on.” Richie shoved the thick frames onto his face but closing his eyes and sitting up straight so that he could let Eddie have the big reveal.

“Okay, you can look.” Eddie said, standing awkwardly in the centre of the room, not really knowing what to do with his hands.

Richie stared at him, taking in the jeans and the nails and the hair and _God_ the eyelashes. He wanted to immediately run his fingers through that hair and see how it felt. He loved Eddie’s new clothes, the way they actually fit rather than being a few sizes too big but he also thought they’d look even better on his floor. Even though Eddie had only been gone two days, Richie had missed him so much and now he felt an overwhelming surge of love.

“Wow, sir, I really must say that you are extremely attractive and I know we have an obvious connection but the love of my life is due home very soon and he’s the jealous type. Don’t think he’d take kindly to me being in bed with someone so stunning.” Richie said, practically swooning at the sight of Eddie.

Eddie glared at him, about to chew him out when he started laughing. Richie had always looked at him like he was special but right now he was looking at him like he was the best thing he’d ever seen and Eddie loved it.

“Did you just call me the love of your life?”

Richie grinned, pushing his glasses further onto his face. “Yeah, you idiot. The love of my life is hardly going to be Janie Kelly from our sixth grade relationship.”

Eddie sat down on the bed beside Richie, looking at him thoughtfully. “I remember that. She broke your heart after like two weeks because she had a crush on Bill.”

“Fucking Bill, always stealing the ladies.” Richie laughed again, getting lost in the memories of when he pretended to be straight and dated a girl, only for her to run off with one of his best friends.

“You know,” Eddie said, looking at Richie with a defiant glint in his eyes. “Janie Kelly wasn’t the only one who had a crush on Bill in the sixth grade.”

Richie looked at Eddie confusedly for a moment before he realised what he meant. Then he burst out laughing.

“I knew it! I knew you had a thing for Bill. Now all the hero-worshipping makes sense.”

“I did not hero-worship him.” Eddie gasped in fake horror. “He was just cute and he was nice to me, unlike some people.”

“I _was_ nice to you, I made you laugh all the time. Billy’s just got a pretty face.” Richie pouted, folding his arms across his chest.

“It’s fine, I grew out of it quickly anyway.” Eddie rolled his eyes, kind of wishing that he hadn’t brought it up because he knew that Richie got weird when he was jealous and he didn’t want him to be weird with Bill.

“Why? What happened to make golden boy, Billy Denbrough fall in your estimation.” Richie said, grabbing onto Eddie’s wrist and stroking harsh circle around his pulse point.

“Nothing bad. Just one day, this kid I was friends with fell off his bike and scraped all the skin off his knee and he pretended he wasn’t hurt but I could tell he was just being brave so I cleaned it up and put a band-aid on and as I was doing it, he brushed his fingers through my hair and I’ve never recovered.” Eddie said, barely looking at Richie as he spoke. They’d never spoke about what made them realise they had feelings for each other but Eddie had been thinking about it more and more and had narrowed it down to that afternoon. Afterwards, when Richie’s knee was all fixed up, they’d shared an ice cream cone, laughing as it melted down their fingers. Eddie had gone home and cried until he had what he thought back then was an asthma attack and his mom had kept him off school for a couple of days. Now, Eddie shared the whole story with Richie.

“Baby,” Richie said, reaching over and stroking Eddie’s face as if he were wiping away the tears that he had shed six years ago. “I wish I’d known.”

Eddie nodded, trying to stop himself crying in the present because he had mascara on and he didn’t want to ruin the whole ‘new Eddie’ illusion.

“Anyway, tonight is not about the past; tonight, is about the future,” Eddie said, standing up and giving Richie a twirl. “I want feedback and I want it now, Tozier.”

Richie giggled; he couldn’t help himself; he loved seeing Eddie acting like the badass he knew that he was.

“Well, I mean your ass is amazing but, in those jeans, damn.” Richie fanned himself. “And your hair is just begging for me to tug it.”

“What’s stopping you?” Eddie looked at him with a raised eyebrow.

“Just waiting for you to bat those pretty eyelashes at me and ask me.” Richie said, lying back onto his hands as if he didn’t care less what happened next. Eddie glared at him but it wasn’t a malicious glare, it was one of longing and love.

Eddie rolled his eyes again and then batted his eyelashes at Richie, the way he knew he wanted him too.

“Will you kiss me?”

Richie shook his head. “Where’s the magic word, Eds?”

Eddie groaned but complied anyway. “Will you please kiss me, you fucking asshole?”

Richie grinned, pulling Eddie down on top of him and nuzzling at his neck. “Now that I like.”

They kissed for a while, gently and intensely, enjoying their time together as if they knew that it can’t really last, that nothing that good can ever really last. They had no way of knowing what was in store for them; if they did then maybe they could have changed things.


	9. 1994 v

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The return of Mrs Kaspbrak

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, thanks for sticking with me for this long and this many words.   
This chapter took me a while to write and it is long but I'm trying to get to a certain point and I keep adding stuff that makes it get further away.   
My motivation is waning a little bit but I'm going to carry on regardless.   
As always please comment if there are certain bits you like!  
Love you all!

September-

Neither one of them wanted to admit it but going back to school was hard on Richie and Eddie. First, it started with Mrs Tozier telling them that Eddie had to sleep in the spare room on school nights, which Richie thought was stupid because how was he supposed to sleep without Eddie lying on his chest. Instead, he spent hours awake staring at the ceiling thinking about all the things that could go wrong.

Richie loved Eddie so much but he knew there was still a barrier between them. They’d still never talked about labels even though Richie wanted to call Eddie his boyfriend more than anything in the world. He called him the love of his life on multiple occasions and Eddie had been cute about it but he’d never expressed the same emotion back. And the closest thing he’d ever got to an admission of his sexuality was when Eddie admitted to having a crush on Bill, which was hardly saying anything; half their friends had a crush on Bill because he was so strong and magnetic. Richie didn’t want to push Eddie into anything; he just wanted to know that they were both heading in the same direction. He knew that Eddie was always going to have problems expressing his emotions about this, especially since his mother had kicked him out. Richie wasn’t really worried, he would have given Eddie all the time in the world and at the end of the day, Eddie had proven his love with more than just words.

It was hard for them to step out of the ‘RichieandEddie’ bubble and back into the real world where it wasn’t safe for Richie to just casually slip his arm around Eddie’s waist or where Eddie couldn’t just lean his head back on Richie’s shoulder at the lunch table. Even though they were still living together and still spending the majority of their time together, they missed each other. They missed the long summer days that they’d spent in bed, exploring each and every part of each other’s bodies. They missed the constant physical contact, the little strokes and kisses that they were used to. It was really hard for Eddie to walk out of his AP Calc class and see Richie waiting for him, leaning lazily on a locker and not to jump on him, wrapping his legs around his waist. It was a hard few weeks but they managed because they loved each other enough to try.

Richie had been asked to join the debate team every year since he’d started high school due to his reputation as a loudmouth and every year, he’d turned them down because it sounded a bit boring and he didn’t care for extra-curricular. But now that he and Eddie were making plans for college in California, he knew he had to take things more seriously if he had any chance of getting into USC or UCLA like Eddie wanted to. Richie would have been content with just following Eddie there, getting a job at a bar or a restaurant or something but Eddie pushed him to do better and believe in himself.

Joining the debate team meant that on two afternoons a week, Eddie had to walk back from school to Richie’s house alone. Richie had told Eddie he could wait around, study in the library or something and then he’d drive him home after but Eddie hated feeling like he wasn’t self-sufficient and he didn’t hate the walk; it was nice to have some time alone.

He walked out of school with a smile on his face, thinking about how he was going to cook when he got back to Richie’s house and surprise Richie and Maggie with a meal. He had some of Richie’s headphones on, listening to one of the many mixtapes Richie had made him with stupid, sappy love songs on and he almost hadn’t heard his name being called. He whipped around with a grin on his face, expecting to see Richie telling him that debate practice was cancelled or Bill offering him a ride home. The smile fell off his face when he saw who was standing there.

“What are you doing here, Ma?” Eddie said, feeling like he needed to sit down.

“Waiting for you, of course.” She said, smiling in a little bit of an insane way. “I’ve been out here every day this week but you’re always with that boy.”

Eddie gripped his hands together, feeling his nails bite into the flesh. “You know his name’s Richie and he’s not some boy, he’s my boyfriend.”

Eddie surprised himself by saying that. He’d still never called Richie his boyfriend but now that the words were out of his mouth, he felt flushed with pride and he kind of wanted to tell everyone he’d ever met but right now, he had bigger issues.

Mrs Kaspbrak gritted her teeth at the word ‘boyfriend’ but continued to smile anyway. She knew that she’d have to pretend to be okay with Richie for a while for Eddie to come back home and then she could convince Eddie to cut him out of his life. She’d expected him to come around before now but she knew that it was easier in the summer and he had the Tozier’s willing to help him. She needed to show Eddie that she loved and cared for him the _most_ and then he’d come back to her and she could fix him.

“I miss you, Eddie-bear.” She said, reaching over and pushing one of his curls out of his face. Eddie knew that she hated how long his hair is and his new clothes. She always hated when he tried to change, which is how he’d ended up changing everything all at once.

“I know.” Eddie said, standing his ground. He crunched his shoe into the gravel underneath, wishing that he could crush all his worries and doubts the same way. It was so stupid how just seeing his mother made his throat feel dry and his heart race uncontrollably. He wanted to be sat doing his homework in the library, waiting for Richie to drive them home to their bubble and not stood out here having the most awkward conversation of his life.

“Are you wearing make-up?” Mrs Kaspbrak asked, squinting at Eddie’s face. Eddie wanted to cover his eyes so she couldn’t see. He also wanted to run in any direction away from her. This was ridiculous.

“Yeah, Ma. Just a bit of mascara.” Eddie mumbled, fighting the sudden urge to wipe it off with his hoodie sleeve. It was Richie’s hoodie, Eddie remembered in that moment-one he’d stolen on a cold night last December when they were still only barely comfortable touching each other and climbing in each other’s windows. It was his favourite hoodie because it was big and sloppy and comfy and smelled almost exactly like Richie did: cigarettes and lemon verbena from his shampoo. It made him feel safe and confident in a way that he never normally did around his mother.

“Well, it doesn’t look bad.” Mrs Kaspbrak said, eventually.

“Thanks, I guess.” Eddie said, looking around to see if there was any distraction that he could find to get himself out of this conversation. School was empty now, no one was going to appear around the corner to pull him out of this conversation so he needed to do that himself.

“I want you to come home, Eddie.” Mrs K said, looking at her son glumly. It seemed every time she blinked there was a new change to notice about Eddie and she hated it. She wanted him safely back in her care where she could reverse those changes with slow and careful measures until she got the real Eddie back.

“One conversation in a parking lot does not make everything okay.” Eddie countered, narrowing his eyes and crossing his arms defensively over his chest. He was still so mad at his mother that he couldn’t imagine ever wanting to go back with her. Except, he missed his bed and having his own space and most of his possessions were still there. He loved being at Richie’s but they’d been thrown into living together and he was worried that the two of them staying in such close proximity was eventually going to cause conflict. He assumed that next year, they’d be applying to live in the same dorm but then they’d have two beds and two desks and plenty of places to go when they needed a break.

“What about dinner? I could make you dinner one night and we’ll talk.” Mrs Kaspbrak said, sounding almost desperate at this point. She thought getting Eddie back would be easier; that he’d be missing her by now but he didn’t seem to be.

Eddie thought it over. He didn’t really want to force himself through dinner with his mother but he also didn’t think he had the strength to reject her like this to her face. He had another idea.

“Okay, I guess we could come over for dinner.” Eddie said, glaring at his mother, begging her to take the bait.

“We?” She asked shakily.

Eddie smiled. “Yes, me and Richie, Ma. We’ll come over on Saturday for dinner.” With that Eddie turned and started walking in the direction of Richie’s house. “And you should make your lasagne, Rich will love it.”

And that is how, an hour and a half later, Richie walked into his bedroom to be greeted by the sight of Eddie sitting on his bed and grinning.

“Woah, good day?” Richie said, joining in Eddie’s grin. “Did you get your Spanish quiz back?”

Eddie shook his head. “Nope. I saw my mom.”

The smile dropped from Richie’s face. “Oh, right.” He dropped his backpack on the ground and kept his gaze there. He didn’t want to look at Eddie as he told him that he was moving home. He knew the second that Eddie went back there, Mrs K was going to put her claws in deep and Richie was sure that he’d be the first thing she’d get rid of.

“She invited me to dinner.” Eddie said, watching as Richie glared at the floor as if it had murdered his entire family. He looked so dejected; it was hurting Eddie’s heart.

“Cool.” Richie said without any emotion at all, going to sit in his desk chair. He didn’t look at Eddie at all.

“I said that I wasn’t going to go unless you came as well and she kind of has to let you now, doesn’t she?” Eddie laughed, expecting Richie to smile now and join in his good mood but Richie continued to look away.

“Right.”

Eddie looked concerned. This was not how he was expecting this to go. “Hey, Rich, what’s up?”

Richie finally looked at him incredulously. “You told your mom that we’d go over for dinner? Because I know how that’s going to end and it’s not going to end well. You know that my mouth doesn’t work and I’m just going to end up ranting at her and then you’re going to resent me and then…”

Eddie cut him off. “You’re going to be fine. And trust me, she deserves at least a little bit of ranting.”

With that Richie finally smiled. It was a small smile, nothing like the goofy grins he usually gave but it was enough for Eddie to know that he was going to be fine.

-

Three days later and Richie and Eddie were stood outside the Kaspbrak house, about to knock on the door. Richie could tell that Eddie was nervous, he was bouncing slightly from foot to foot the way he only ever did when he felt anxious and Richie just wanted to pick him up and carry him home. Eddie didn’t belong in this house with its lace curtains and faded pink wallpaper and lack of natural light that always hurt Richie’s eyes when he was inside. Not that he’d often been invited in as he knew that Mrs Kaspbrak hated him with an extreme passion that she normally only reserved for door to door salesmen and people who don’t cover their face when they sneeze. (She had even been known for shouting at people in the street if she caught them doing it, which made Eddie want to die of embarrassment.)

While Eddie was nervous, Richie was terrified. He didn’t want to let Eddie inside that house and back to a space where his mother could try and manipulate him again. He also didn’t want to have to sit around making small talk with Mrs Kaspbrak when what he really wanted to do was scream at her until his voice gave out. Eddie looked at Richie, taking in his wide eyes and the way he was fidgeting with his hands, not unlike the way he had all those years ago in Eddie’s bedroom. Eddie took one of Richie’s hands, stroking it softly with the pad of his thumb.

“Hey, hey, it’s going to be fine.” Eddie gave him a gentle smile. “And if it’s not then we can walk the fuck out of there and go home.”

Richie’s heart lifted at the easy way Eddie had referred to his house as ‘home’; he hadn’t realised how much he’d wanted to hear Eddie say it until the word was out of his mouth. Smiling, Richie rubbed one of his sweaty hands on his pants. Eddie had made him dress up slightly for the occasion, gently guiding him out of his oversized black t-shirt and into one of the button-down shirts that his mother bought him for when she had dinner parties. It had a loud, splattered print on it so Richie didn’t feel quite as out of place as he could have done but he still felt slightly constricted in a way that made him panic more than his usual loose clothing.

They entered the house and Mrs Kaspbrak acted nicer than she usually did to Richie, giving him a tight smile and a brief ‘hello’ before running back into the kitchen on the pretence of checking the food. Eddie and Richie took seats at the dining table that was never used as Mrs K usually ate in her armchair in front of the TV and Eddie usually ate in his room alone. She’d set the table with the nice placemats, cutlery and coasters that Eddie hadn’t seen since his Dad died and it saddened him. He couldn’t help but spare a thought to the life he could have had if his father hadn’t passed away- family meals at a table; day trips out to places like the zoo where he could have got slightly messy; a mother who didn’t try and trap him inside every day. Eddie knew that his mom was sick and it wasn’t her fault that she acted the way she did but his heart ached for this other life he could have had.

Eventually, Mrs Kaspbrak came back in with a loaded dish of lasagne. Eddie didn’t expect her to actually cook what he’d asked for and he was pleasantly surprised, especially because he had made it clear that it was for Richie. They ate almost in silence, the quiet only broken by Richie tapping his knife against his plate. The tapping went on and on and on, almost as if Richie didn’t realise that he was doing it. Mrs Kaspbrak glared at him. First of all, he had corrupted her son, her _baby boy_ into believing that he was some sort of homosexual and now he had come into her home and had the nerve to irritate her.

Eddie watched his mother glare at Richie; it hurt his heart to see the two people he loved most in the world look at each other with that hatred in their eyes. He knew that Richie hadn’t done anything wrong and he hated that his mother couldn’t see that and just grow to love him or even accept him but he knew that was very unlikely to happen.

“Rich.” Eddie said after a while, putting his hand over Richie’s to stop him tapping. It had got to him too and he didn’t like seeing Richie so nervous, so clearly anxious in the presence of his mother.

Mrs Kaspbrak looked down at the gentle way Eddie held Richie’s hand still and instead of being touched by how cute they are or how sweet Eddie was to help him, showing what a good job she’d done bringing up such a lovely child, she felt disgusted. She saw Eddie’s painted nails and the way he gently stroked Richie’s thumb and it filled her with the most immense rage. She knew that she would do whatever it took to get Eddie back into her grip and back to being her good little boy.

“So, Richard, why don’t you tell me about your career prospects?” Mrs Kaspbrak said, turning to Richie with a violent smile.

Richie was taken aback; he hadn’t expected her to actually _talk_ to him. It also felt like a dangerous question, like she was trying to prove that he wasn’t good enough for Eddie and it hit a sore spot with Richie. It was hard for Richie to see himself as good enough for Eddie, who had perfect grades and clearly a very bright future once he’d graduated from college. Eddie had drive and ambition and the perfect amount of spark; Richie knew he was destined for great things. Whereas Richie didn’t care so much about the future; he didn’t care about a job or monetary success. The only part of a future Richie wanted was Eddie.

“You don’t have to answer that.” Eddie said, sending his mother a withering look.

She put her hands up in a defensive gesture. “I just want to know what he has planned for after school.”

Eddie and Richie looked at each other. The rule was always _do not talk about California around parents_ but they’d told Richie’s parents the plan over dinner one night and they’d been thrilled, offering to research into dorms for them and everything. This felt different though. Mrs Kaspbrak was not the type of woman to just smile and nod at being told her only son was planning to move to the other side of the country and it seemed like Eddie was imploring him with his eyes to not mention it.

“Uh, I’m thinking about going to college. Maybe majoring in communications or film or something. Then I’m not sure but I’d love to work in radio or TV.” Richie said, feeling extremely awkward and not making eye contact with Mrs K. He kind of wished he could say he had some amazing plan to be a doctor or something so that he could prove he could provide for Eddie but he knew that was outdated bullshit and he didn’t need to prove himself to anyone.

“That doesn’t sound like the kind of work you can do in Derry.” Mrs Kaspbrak said hopefully. The ideal situation for her would be that Richie goes off somewhere far away for college since Eddie was only planning on applying for the University of Maine and then they’d break up since long-distance could never work. Unless, of course, she could convince Eddie to leave him sooner so that she could get him some help and he could recover from this _sickness_ he seems to have.

Richie shook his head. “Yeah, I’m not planning to ever come back here.”

Mrs Kaspbrak grinned, feeling practically gleeful. “Oh, I’m sure you’ll do wonderfully.” She added for good measure.

For the first time in months, Eddie felt hope. His mother was actually being nice to Richie, almost like she could possibly be accepting him. That was all he wanted; the two of them to at least be on friendly terms. And if she accepted Richie then surely that meant she was accepting Eddie’s sexuality and he could be himself around her again. Eddie let his hope blind him from the manipulation he knew his mother was capable of.

The rest of the meal went by quickly with Mrs K asking Richie more questions and complimenting him on the answers to the point where even Richie started to feel more comfortable. Maybe Richie had been wrong the whole time and she was going to learn to accept him and their relationship. By the time they were drinking coffee, she was actually laughing at some of Richie’s jokes. Eddie felt like he was hallucinating. He’d wanted this moment for so long and now it was actually happening; the world was alright after all.

They said their goodbyes not long after, both boys being given a hug by Mrs K. As soon as the door had been closed behind them, Eddie dragged Richie to the side of the house. He wanted to see how Richie felt about it all.

“So, what did you think?” Eddie couldn’t help but grin, he was that happy.

Richie grinned back too, he loved seeing Eddie so happy. He would have done anything in the world to see that smile, the way Eddie’s forehead crinkled slightly and his eyes sparkled like the firecracker Eddie is. Richie wanted to live in that smile and he wanted to wake up to that smile for the rest of his life. He was overwhelmed by a huge surge of love for Eddie. He loved him more than anything else in the world and doubted that would ever change.

“It was actually really good.”

The boys beamed at each other, truly believing that this was a turning point; that maybe everything was going to be okay and that they could live their lives free of fear.

They walked home arm in arm, Eddie head resting on Richie’s bicep looking like a cute couple. It was dark out and they only passed a few people who barely gave them a second glance. This felt like a sign that everything was going to work out for them and one day they’d be in the kind of place where they could do this every day.

“Rich?” Eddie said, as they turned on to Richie’s street.

“Yes, my love.”

Eddie rolled his eyes but burrowed his head further into Richie. “Just so you know, you’re my boyfriend.”

Richie’s head whipped around to look at Eddie so fast he thought he might get whiplash. He pulled Eddie away from him so he could look in his eyes, searching them for a sign that he was joking.

“You’re serious?” He asked, almost breathlessly.

“Yeah, of course, you idiot. We’ve been together for 11 months, it just seemed stupid that I’d never called you that. But yeah, you’re my boyfriend.” Eddie said, rolling his eyes again.

“I love you so much.” The words were out of Richie’s mouth before he could stop them. They were true, he did love Eddie but he should have thought before he’d spoken them.

Eddie froze, looking up at Richie through his eyelashes, his eyes wide in shock.

“It doesn’t matter if you don’t feel the same, I just love you.” Richie whispered, putting his arm around his boyfriend.

Eddie nodded, not trusting his words right now. Eddie knew that he thought he loved Richie; he felt this extreme emotion every time he was near and he missed him so much when he wasn’t there or was talking to someone else or fell asleep first. Richie was the first and only person he wanted to share things with. He just wasn’t sure that he could share that right now. He’d only just called Richie his boyfriend and he didn’t think Richie would mind if he kept his love to himself for right now. Everything was so complicated and messy and he didn’t want to mess things up further so he just snuggled back into Richie and they walked home.

They stayed in Richie’s bed that night, holding each other and lightly kissing. They didn’t need to do anything else, they only needed each other. They were both so happy and so secure in their relationship, knowing that the other was all that they wanted from the world. Richie fell asleep first, content to sleep with Eddie on his chest once again.

Eddie felt the rise and fall of Richie’s breaths and felt like a tidal wave of emotion hit him. He whispered to his sleeping boyfriend, knowing that he wouldn’t hear.

“I love you more than anything.”


	10. 1995 i

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eddie isn't okay and Richie isn't sure why.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, you all better cry at this chapter because I am an emotional husk after writing it and I don't think I'll ever get over it. I promised you angst and here it is.

January-

Eddie moved back in with his mother in the October. Richie drove him back there, holding his hand the entire time, wishing he could make him stay but he knew that Eddie wanted to see out the rest of their senior year at his own house. They had finished their applications for a bunch of schools in California but Eddie had still not told his mother that he was planning on moving so far away. It had caused a few arguments with the couple as Richie just did not understand why Eddie couldn’t just tell her. She’d accepted their relationship so surely, she would accept their future plans too.

Richie and Eddie still tried to spend all their time together but it was harder once they were living in separate houses again. Occasionally, Richie would call Eddie and Mrs K would answer and tell him that Eddie was too busy to answer and sometimes he’d go around and she’d tell him that Eddie was out with Bill or at the library studying.

By the last week in January, Richie hadn’t seen Eddie outside of school since Winter Break and even in school they barely saw each other. They’d talked on the phone a couple of times but Eddie always sounded so far away and distant. Richie put it down to stress from school now that everything was ramping up for their final semester. They were moving to California together in 6 months and then they’d have the rest of their lives to spend with each other; he could deal with a little bit of space for now.

It was a Wednesday and Richie was just getting home from debate practice, thinking about how much he wanted a nice warm shower because he was so cold that he could feel it in his bones. He grabbed a bag of chips from the kitchen and walked into his room, dropping the bag when he saw Eddie on his bed.

Except, it wasn’t the Eddie he was used to seeing. It was like seeing the ghost of old Eddie with his short hair and pastel clothes and almost dull eyes. Richie nearly took a step back in surprise at seeing Eddie looking like this. He looked so much like the Eddie that Richie had fallen in love with years ago, not the Eddie he was in love with now. Richie didn’t care about the way Eddie looked; he just cared that Eddie liked it.

“Hey, Eds.” Richie said softly.

Eddie looked up at him as if he was surprised to see him even though he was in his room, a place that Eddie hadn’t been in over three weeks.

“Oh, hey.” He said equally as softly.

Eddie and Richie looked at each other from across the room, a million words going unsaid. They looked at each other with the intensity that only comes with love but Richie could see pain in Eddie’s eyes. Pain mixed with something he thought looked a lot like fear; a lot like the expression he’d seen just before he’d come out to his mother and the way he’d looked at Richie when they were in the Neibolt house and they thought they were going to die. Richie wasn’t sure why Eddie looked scared now but it made his heart hurt. He wanted to cross the room and hold him but there was something in Eddie’s expression that stopped him.

“You cut your hair.” Richie said eventually.

Eddie self-consciously ran his hand through his hair but it didn’t really work since it was so short now. Richie was sure that he’d never seen Eddie’s hair so short; he didn’t hate it but he did prefer it when it was longer.

“Yeah, it was getting in my way.” Eddie said.

There was something in the way he said it that made Richie think that it hadn’t been Eddie’s idea. Eddie liked having longer hair, he liked the way it bounced over his eyes and he would peek out behind it, making Richie laugh.

“Well, you always look amazing to me.” Richie said, searching Eddie’s expression for some sort of sign about why he was here or why this conversation seemed so strained when they could talk for hours without a break.

“Thanks.” Eddie broke the eye contact, looking down at the ground.

Richie finally walked across the room to where Eddie was sitting and perched on the bed beside him. He took one of Eddie’s hands from where they were gripping his duvet and smoothed it out, brushing his fingers carefully over Eddie’s knuckles, hearing his breath hitch in response.

“Eds, if you’re going to break up with me, can you just hurry up and do it?” Richie said, letting the sadness he felt in his heart out in his voice. He felt a tear fall down his face but he felt too tired to wipe it away.

“I’m not.” Eddie said quietly, letting his head drop on to Richie’s shoulder.

Richie let out a breath, feeling like hasn’t actually breathed since he saw that fear in Eddie’s eyes and thought he was about to break his heart. Still, he was sure that something wasn’t right and he knew that Eddie was not okay.

“What’s wrong, my darling?” Richie placed his own head on top of Eddie’s, wanting to feel as close to him as possible. He could feel Eddie’s breathing slow down and he started to cry. Richie put his arm around him, pulling him even closer as his boyfriend sobbed in his arms. Whatever this was, it wasn’t good and Eddie was hurting badly.

Eddie cried, feeling the way Richie held him tightly. He wished that he could stay like this forever; that he didn’t have to go home again. He could just move back into Richie’s spare room and then they could be like this all the time but Eddie knew he didn’t have the fight left in him to argue with his mother again. He just wanted everything to stop.

Eddie was depressed. He didn’t know that there was a name for the deep, bone-aching sadness that he felt but he was depressed. He was tired all the time and he didn’t want to leave his bed, spending whole days curled up in his duvet when he could have been out with his friends or seeing Richie. He felt bad when his mother would appear with the phone, telling him that Richie was on the line but he’d shake his head and she’d tell him that Eddie was busy while grinning like she was finally winning. She wasn’t; Eddie was just too tired and he loved Richie but spending time with him required so much attention and he just didn’t have the energy. When his mother had asked him again the night before to get his hair cut, he didn’t have the energy to bicker about it so he let her drag him to the hairdressers and listened as she asked the hairdresser to cut all the length out of it. He hadn’t even looked in the mirror since; he didn’t have the energy to care about what he looked like. That was why he’d just thrown on the first clothes that he laid his hands on that morning, even though he hadn’t worn them in months.

“You can talk to me.” Richie said, stroking small circles around Eddie’s back. Eddie cried harder at the gentle movement.

Richie wasn’t sure what to do. He’d seen Eddie upset before but those times were all because something bad had happened and he knew how to help because he knew what the problems were but this time, he didn’t know anything. He had noticed that Eddie had been quieter than usual lately but he hadn’t really considered that there was something wrong; maybe he should have.

When Eddie and Richie first became friends, back when they were 11 and Eddie and Bill had been best friends and Richie had been invited by Bill to join them on a few adventures; they had hated each other on sight. Richie was loud and annoying, always trying out his different voices on his friends. Eddie was also very loud but mostly because he wasn’t allowed to raise his voice at home so he loved to when he was alone with his friends. Eddie was the first person that Richie had ever met who could match Richie’s pace of throwing insults; the first person who’d ever got so passionately annoyed at him and Richie had gone out of his way to make Eddie annoyed every day. They’d hated each other for weeks until Bill had finally stepped in, telling them that he was going to be friends with both of them and they could suck it up and deal with it, or they could continue to act like babies and both lose him. So, they’d started to argue less and laugh more until Eddie realised that he really was laughing at Richie’s jokes and Richie realised he was trying to get Eddie to laugh at them. They’d been close ever since, going through that horrible summer when they were 13 and carrying on strong, falling in love with each other. In those 6 years that they’d spent near each other, Richie had never seen Eddie so unnaturally quiet and upset. There was none of his usual spikiness; no spark in his eyes; they hadn’t bickered in weeks and Richie felt so stupid for not noticing.

“Can we just lie down?” Eddie said, still not making eye contact with his boyfriend.

Eddie had come to see Richie because he felt bad about how many times that he’d blown him off but he didn’t want to talk. Talking took too much effort that he didn’t have anymore. He just wanted to lie down with Richie’s arms around him, making him feel safe and secure.

So that’s what they did. They spent the rest of the daylight hours on Richie’s bed, curled up into each other in their favourite positions. Eddie fell asleep and Richie loved watching him sleep, knowing that whatever was going on in his mind could be pushed away when he was asleep. Eddie always looked so peaceful when he was asleep. When the sun began to set, Richie held on to Eddie harder, knowing that he’d have to go home soon and then maybe they wouldn’t see each other for a while again. He wanted Eddie to stay here forever, where he could protect him from everything.

Finally, Richie had to wake Eddie up and the two of them hugged tightly before Eddie left his room. They didn’t even speak, they didn’t have to; all their words could be spoke with their eyes. They loved each other, what more needed to be said?

-

February-

Richie had first period English with Eddie, one of the only classes that they shared. He loved it because he sat directly behind Eddie and got to watch the back of his neck, watching the way he always put his head in his hands when he was bored or confused. He’d always try and kick the back of his chair, which drove Eddie mad, leading to him sending him withering glares and Richie would laugh so hard that their teacher, Mrs Dennis would shout at him. He’d still do it every time though.

The Monday after Eddie had shown up in Richie’s room and cried, Eddie hadn’t been in his seat by the time Richie got there. Eddie was never late so Richie was confused but not that worried, Eddie probably just had a doctor’s appointment or had finally overslept for once in his life.

Richie didn’t get worried until he was sat with his friends at their usual lunch table and Eddie wasn’t there. The rest of them were having an in-depth conversation about who wanted to watch the new Adam Sandler film at the Aladdin that weekend but Richie didn’t care, he cut them off.

“Has anyone seen Eddie today?” Richie said, looking around the group.

They all looked back at him with confused expressions. If anyone knew where Eddie was then surely it was his boyfriend.

“I don’t know, he’s probably in the library again.” Bill said, shrugging and going back to eating his sandwich. Ever since Bill had lost his stutter a few years ago, he had the strong, confident voice of a man but it still didn’t reassure him.

Stan spoke next, as careful and casual as normal but he kept an eye on Richie while he spoke. “Actually, he wasn’t in AP Chem this morning.”

Richie kind of already knew that Eddie wasn’t in school. If he had, he would have found him by now and they would have had at least one conversation but he had yet to see him at all today.

“Hey, don’t worry about it, Rich.” Stan spoke again, patting his best friend on the arm. “He probably coughed once this morning and Mrs K kept him off.”

Richie nodded, even though he knew that Eddie would have just told her off and come to school anyway now. The conversation quickly turned back to movie plans and Richie found himself agreeing to go along. It had been a while since he’d gone out with his friends and not just Eddie and since Eddie wasn’t here to plead with him that they should stay home, he decided to go for it. Eddie would probably come anyway if he was going.

He forgot anything was wrong for the rest of the day, going to all his classes and concentrating on his work, still trying to do better so he could get into one of the fancy colleges that Eddie wanted to go to and hoping that they both got into the same one. He went home and finished up a project for History, falling asleep straight away.

The next day was the same, no Eddie in first period English, no Eddie finding him by his locker to squeeze his hand before they continued their days, no Eddie at the lunch table.

“Did you call Eddie last night?” Stan said, turning to look at Richie. Richie was surprised, he wasn’t sure that anyone else had even noticed that Eddie was missing. Stan could always tell when Richie wasn’t okay though and he felt something a lot like dread growing in his body at the thought of the missing Eddie.

“No, I ended up falling asleep really early.” Richie shrugged, feeling uncomfortable that he hadn’t even called to check up on his boyfriend. But Eddie hadn’t called him either so it really wasn’t all his fault.

Stan nodded thoughtfully. “I think you should tonight. He’s been so quiet and down recently and now he’s gone AWOL.”

Richie felt his back go up. He didn’t need Stan to tell him that there was something wrong with Eddie.

“I know, I’m not blind. He’s my _boyfriend_, Stan.” Richie more of less hissed at his best friend.

Instead of being pissed off, Stan just raised his eyebrows at Richie. He knew that Richie wasn’t really mad at him, he was just worried about Eddie and was taking it out on him. He’d been friends with Richie since they were 4, he was used to the way he acted and there was no use getting mad about it now, he was who he was.

“I know, you’re just not the only one worried about him.” Stan said quietly. “And yes, we’re worried about you too.”

“He’s right, Rich, we care about the both of you. Even if you’re never around anymore.” Bill said, giving him an encouraging smile.

Richie hadn’t even really realised that his friends cared so much. He’d spent so long just caring about Eddie and how Eddie felt that he hadn’t really thought about how they’d practically ditched their friends for each other yet his friends still cared about them so much. It made his heart feel better, knowing that he had all these people in the world who cared about how he was.

Richie went home that night and stared at his phone. He thought maybe Eddie would call and tell him what was wrong. He waited for an hour and then two and then he couldn’t help himself, he dialled the Kaspbrak number. It rang and rang and rang and then was cut off. Richie had expected Mrs K to answer and tell him that Eddie was busy but he hadn’t expected that they’d just reject his call completely. Richie went to bed, feeling completely rejected.

Richie was still sad by the time the weekend rolled around. He hadn’t called Eddie again and Eddie had never returned his call and his sadness was slowly turning to anger. How could Eddie just disappear off the face of the earth and not even call him? He was probably just sick and sulking about at home. If he’d have called Richie then Richie would have gone over with some soup and cuddled him until he felt better but no, he had to do everything on his own. Eddie could be so stubborn sometimes.

Friday night, Richie went to the movies with his friends and found himself having an actually good time without Eddie. He still missed having someone playing with his hands the way they could in the darkness provided by the movie theatre but he made up for it by throwing pieces of popcorn at Stan, who couldn’t help but laugh. Actually, he almost forgot about Eddie’s absence by the time the credits rolled and they got ready to go home. He walked to his car with Stan.

“Hey, want to stay at mine tonight?” Richie said, nodding at his car. “We haven’t done some best friend bonding in forever.”

Stan considered carefully but he knew that Richie was feeling lonely without Eddie and he had actually missed spending quality time with his best friend so he quickly agreed and got into Richie’s car. They drove the ten-minute journey in comfortable silence with just the sound of some classic rock coming from Richie’s radio.

When they got to Richie’s house, Stan went up to Richie’s room while Richie went to the kitchen to get some snacks from the cupboard. He didn’t expect to find his mother on one of the stools of his breakfast bar, the phone sat in front of her and a notepad.

“Hey, Mom.” Richie said, grabbing some chips and chocolate. “Hope you don’t mind that Stan’s staying over.”

Maggie looked at her son, warily. She shook her head slightly, of course, she didn’t mind.

“Cool, I’ll be in my room then.” Richie grinned, turning to walk away.

“Wait, Rich.” She said, waiting until he’d turned back around. “Eddie called while you were out.”

Richie rolled his eyes. “Of course, he did. He found out that I was having fun without him and he couldn’t have that.” Richie couldn’t help but sound bitter; Eddie had really annoyed him this week.

“I think you should call him back.” Maggie said, looking down sadly. Richie didn’t notice her expression.

“I’ll call him tomorrow, I’ve got Stan over.” Richie said, turning around to leave again.

“Richie, you need to call him now, baby.” Maggie said, standing up and walking over to Richie with the notepad in her hand. She passed it to him and he read the unfamiliar phone number on it. “This is the number he called on.”

Richie felt his dread from earlier in the week take over his entire body. He didn’t know how but he got back up to his bedroom. Stan was sat at his desk, organising it because it was so messy and he couldn’t help himself. He took one look at Richie and put down the items in his hand.

“You okay?” Stan asked, knowing that Richie was clearly not okay.

Richie shook his head, going over to the phone on the other side of his bed. He picked it up and quickly dialled the number that was on the notepad. The phone rang 4 times before it was finally answered. Nobody spoke but Richie could hear breathing on the other end.

“Hey, Eds.” He said eventually.

“Richie.” Eddie’s voice was broken, hardly more than a breath but Richie heard it. It made him want to punch his fist through the wall.

“Are you okay?” Richie asked desperately. “Are you hurt?”

Stan came and sat beside him on the bed, grabbing Richie’s other hand and squeezing it. _You’re not alone._

“No, I’m not hurt.” Eddie said, his voice sounding slightly stronger but still like he’d been crying or screaming for hours.

“Where are you, Eddie? What happened?” Richie found himself squeezing Stan’s hand back tightly. He needed it to remind himself that this was real and not just one of the many nightmares he’d had where Eddie was taken away from him.

“I’m in New York.” Eddie said, his voice breaking, clearly crying. “My mom offered to pick me up from school last Friday but when I got into the car, it was all packed full of our things and instead of going home, she just kept driving until we got to my Uncle and Aunt’s place in New York. I was screaming at her the whole time, trying to get her to turn around. When we got here, the three of them carried me into the house because I refused to get out of the car. They threw me into one of the bedrooms and locked the door. I’ve been locked in here ever since but they let me go to the bathroom earlier and forgot to relock the door so I managed to steal a phone and call you.”

Richie felt like every breath had been squashed out of his body. This was exactly what he’d been afraid of ever since Eddie had gone back to live with his mother, that she’d find a way to separate them and now she had. Not only that but she’d locked Eddie in a room for a week. What kind of a monster could do that?

“I’m coming to get you.” Richie said, pushing himself off the bed, making a mental note of things he needed to take for the nearly 8-hour drive.

“No, Rich.” Eddie said slowly and quietly through his tears. “My Uncle, he can get violent and he’s already made it very clear that he isn’t a fan of our ‘lifestyle.’ I’m not letting you get hurt on my behalf.”

“I don’t care.” Richie said quickly. “You know that I don’t care, I’d fight a million people if it meant I could help you. I can’t just leave you there.” Richie realised that he was crying too now. He didn’t care about Stan seeing him cry; Stan and Eddie were the only two people that Richie trusted enough to see him cry.

“It’s only three months until graduation and then you can come to get me and we’ll go to California, or we can go back to Derry first and then to California. I don’t care where we are, I just want to be with you.” Eddie cried softly.

“I just want to be with you too. I can’t bear the thought of you locked in some room.” Richie cried right back. He hated this, this stupid conversation and the stupid miles that stood between him and the love of his life.

“I’ll be fine, I’ve got our future to look forward to.” Eddie said, almost with a hint of a smile in his voice despite the tears.

“We’re going to have the most amazing future. Just me and you against the world.”

Stan nudged him.

“And sometimes Stan because he’s my second favourite person in the world.”

Eddie laughed slightly and the sound made Richie’s heart ache more. He couldn’t believe he’d been so mad with Eddie when Eddie was being locked up and not allowed to talk to him. It was so sad.

“I’ll try and call you whenever I can but I have to be careful, Rich. My mom, she said all this stuff about you, about how you were manipulating me into thinking that I was into boys and that it was just a phase and once she’d got you out of my system then I’d be normal again. So, if she hears me talking to you then she’s going to get really mad.” Eddie’s voice sounded really small. Richie couldn’t bear to think about the poison they’d been dripping into him about being gay and being in a relationship with a boy. It made him unbelievably angry.

“That fucking bitch.” Richie said, gripping Stan’s hand even more tightly.

“She said that she acted nicely around you so that I’d trust her again. She’d been planning this since I came home, how fucked up is that?” Eddie was angry too, Richie could tell. He wished that he could help make Eddie’s anger go away but he knew that they were both going to stay angry until the moment that Richie appeared at his door in three months.

“Shit, Rich, I’ve got to go. Okay, I love you and I’ll call you soon.” Eddie said quickly before hanging up the phone.

Richie stared at the phone in his hand, tears rolling down his cheeks. It was the first time he’d ever heard Eddie tell him that he loved him. He wondered if he’d ever hear it again.

Richie cried himself to sleep that night and once again, like the good best friend he is, Stan never left his side, holding his hand until he was finally at peace.


	11. 1995 ii

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Angst to end all angst

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was very very hard to write because it is sooooooo sad. And because it was so sad, I had to add a little bit of Stenbrough to make everything seem a bit happier so enjoy.   
Also please leave comments, they make my world seem so much better.   
Love to all my readers.

April-

Richie missed Eddie so much it hurt. He missed him every single day. He missed kicking his chair in English class; he missed their brief conversations in the corridor; he missed secretly holding hands under the lunch table; he missed cuddling in his bed; he missed Eddie’s face. Actually, he missed every single thing about Eddie Kaspbrak and to Richie, that just proved how much he loved him.

They’d spoken on the phone at least once a week since that first time but it was never long and it was never enough. They both cried every time and while they tried to talk about important things like how Eddie’s new school was and how much he hated his mother and his uncle but usually they just ended up whispering ‘I love you’ over and over again in case they were cut off shortly. They were only caught once but it had been heart-breaking for Richie as he’d heard the phone being pried from Eddie’s hands as his uncle screamed at him. The next day, Eddie had broken into an empty office at school to call Richie and reassure him that he was okay, even though it didn’t seem like he was.

His friends tried their best to cheer him up, pushing him into going out with them more but Richie just wanted to stay home, waiting for the occasional calls where he could spend 5 minutes talking to Eddie. So, the group spent a lot of time camped out in Richie’s living room as this way, at least they could make sure he was okay since he refused to leave.

Now, the group were all sat around chatting, eating the pizzas that Mrs Tozier had bought for them. Richie was staring at the phone, willing it to ring.

“Alright stop moping, Tozier.” Bill said, tapping Richie on the shoulder so he had to turn around to look at them.

“It’s fine, you’re allowed to mope.” Stan said, giving Bill a look that read _leave him alone, he’s sad._

“I know he’s sad, Stan but it’s been two months and we graduate in a month. He needs to make the most of high school before the real world kicks in.” Bill grabbed another piece of pizza.

Richie turned to glare at Bill. Bill with his stupid _I’m always right_ attitude and the way he always acted like some sort of authority figure. Bill, who Eddie loved nearly as much as he loved Richie but who barely even asked about Eddie. Richie was mad.

“Yeah, you’re right. That scary real world like the one where my boyfriend was forced against his will to change schools and graduate in a different state? Or the one where every minute he’s not in school, he’s locked in a room with no phone so that he can’t call his boyfriend and be reminded that he’s gay? Or how two weeks ago, he was caught on the phone with me so his Uncle started forcing him to take this medication that is supposed to ‘turn him straight.’ He doesn’t swallow it, obviously but is that the real world you were referring to?” Richie said, looking straight at Bill like he wanted to punch him in the face. Bill at least looked sheepish.

“Sorry, Rich, I just don’t like seeing you like this. It’s hard.” Bill looked down, playing awkwardly with his hands.

Richie rolled his eyes. He was mad at Bill but he didn’t want to lose anyone else. He needed everyone he could have right now.

“Meh. It’s fine, I’m just mad at the world.” Richie said, dramatically. He threw himself down on to the sofa next to Mike. Mike ruffled his hair for him, giving him a gentle smile. “Love you, Mikey.”

They stayed like that for a couple of hours, playing some card games and listening to Richie’s records. They played poker for a while, using some old buttons Richie had found as chips. Mike was surprisingly the best; he had a poker face that nobody could read and soon he had a substantial pile of chips.

“Ugh remind me never to play with real money.” Richie said, sliding all his buttons over to Mike for what seemed like the millionth time.

“Yeah, Rich, I don’t really think poker is your game.” Stan said, smiling.

“Oh, because you’re doing so much better yourself.” Richie huffed but it was good-naturedly. He was actually having quite a nice time and he’d barely been glancing at the phone. It was unlikely Eddie would call this late anyway.

Richie had just gone into the kitchen to fill up everyone’s drinks. He was holding two glasses, one of water for Stan and one with orange juice for himself. He was just about to step over Bill and get back to his seat when the phone rang. Everyone looked at Richie, who shrugged. It could be Eddie but it was equally as likely to be someone calling for his mom or his dad.

He passed Stan the glass of water and made his way over to the phone. Cautiously, he picked it up.

“Hello, Tozier house.” He said, taking a sip from his drink.

There was silence.

“Hello? Is anyone there?”

“Hello Richard.” The voice said, high-pitched and shrill. Just hearing Mrs Kaspbrak’s voice made him so angry that he had to take slow and even breaths. He wished that she was in front of him so that he could take his anger out on her the way he wanted to.

“What the fuck do you want?” Richie said once he could breathe. All of his friends turned to look at him with shocked and confused expressions. He glared angrily at the wall.

“I wanted to call and tell you to never contact my son again.” She said, her voice sharp.

Richie rolled his eyes. He couldn’t help it, the request was so obvious like she’d dragged Eddie to a whole other state to get away from Richie; she was never going to let them talk on the phone.

“And Eddie agrees.” She added, a note of triumph in her voice.

Richie gripped the phone harder. He didn’t believe her, of course, Eddie loved him and they were moving to California in a month. Eddie would never agree to anything like that. Knowing that didn’t mean that his heart didn’t start racing like crazy and he felt the familiar dread creep over him though. 

“Well, that’s bullshit.” Richie said, almost like he was trying to convince himself as well.

“Maybe you’d believe him better.” She said.

The phone sounded like it was being passed over and there was some hushed whispering that Richie couldn’t quite hear. He felt himself lean on to the phone table, not caring that it was weak and would surely break if he put any more weight on it. His friends were still watching him carefully, expressions of worry of their faces.

Richie could hear crying on the other end of the phone. He sucked in a deep breath, feeling like the world was tilting slightly.

“Eds, is that you?” Richie whispered, almost scared to know the answer.

“Yeah, I’m here.” The voice responded. It was definitely Eddie but it didn’t really sound that much like Eddie. By now Richie was used to hearing Eddie cry down the phone but this felt different; Eddie sounded numb.

“I’m not sure what’s going on.” Richie admitted, feeling stupid. Part of him did know what was going on but that part was never going to admit it. He could never have admitted it to himself that he could see this coming.

“I’m breaking up with you.” Eddie said simply.

Richie froze, blinking madly, feeling suddenly very dizzy. “No, you’re not. Don’t be silly.”

“I am. I’m sorry that it’s going to hurt you but it’s true. You were a good friend to me and I thought that friendship meant that I was in love with you but I’m not. I am not a homosexual and I was led down a dark path towards a future that I didn’t want because I was scared to say no to you.” Eddie said, his voice neutral despite the tears. It was almost like he’d rehearsed this, speaking so quickly that Richie could barely catch what he was saying.

Richie thought that he was going to throw up.

“None of that is true. You’re lying. They’re making you say that.” Richie wasn’t even sure how words were coming out of his mouth right now because he felt like his entire body had shut down.

“I’m not lying. I never loved you.” These words sounded strangled like Eddie was having a hard time spitting them out. As soon as he had though, the phone beeped in Richie’s hand, highlighting that the call was over. It was over. Eddie was gone. The love of his life had just broken up with him.

Richie hurled the glass of orange juice at the wall where it exploded in a firework of glass and juice, all over the walls and himself, showering him in a snowfall of glass fragments. He didn’t care; he wished the glass could cut his skin to pieces and that pain could take over the pain in his heart.

His friends immediately ran over to try and help.

“No.” Richie more or less roared at them. “Get out of my house.”

Bill, ever the strong one, grabbed Richie’s arms where they were flailing around. He pulled him around, basically pinning him to the wall.

“No, Richie, we are not leaving.” Bill said, holding him so that he couldn’t try and attack them. Not that he was going to try and attack them but none of them had ever seen Richie like this. The only time Bill had ever seen anyone look like this was his parents after Georgie had died. He was scared then and he was scared now but he knew that he couldn’t leave his friend, not when he looked like _this._

“Please leave me.” Richie said, collapsing into sobs and trying to throw himself on the floor. If his friends weren’t holding him up, he would have fallen right on to the shards of glass lying on the floor.

Stan lifted Richie’s face to look at his own. “Fuck that, Rich. I’m not leaving you like this. You can scream and you can shout all you want but we love you and we’re going to help you.”

At this, Richie stopped fighting and lets his friends hold him while he sobs. He looked down at the glass on the floor, knowing that his heart was broken into the same number of fragments, too many to ever be fixed.

-

Two weeks later and Stan was lying on his bed reading a book. He’d just bought it and was very excited to read it, freeing up an entire night just to relax and have a break before all the fuss of graduation. He’d also been spending a lot of time at Richie’s house, just sitting with him while he cried or shouted or threw things. Stan got why he was upset and he wished that he could do something to make everything better but he knew that Richie just had to get through this pain himself. Stan wasn’t angry at Eddie per se, he knew that he was probably manipulated into breaking up with Richie but he wasn’t the biggest fan of his old friend right now after seeing his best friend go through such heartache. Richie had told him that he’d be fine tonight though, which is why Stan was finally relaxing with his book.

It was nearly 1 am when the phone rang. Stan considered not answering it because who really was going to be calling this late at night but the curiosity got the better of him and he didn’t want the ringing to wake his parents who’d been asleep for hours.

“Hello.” Stan said, putting the phone to his ear and laying back down on his pillow.

“Um, hi. Is that Eddie?” A deep male voice said.

Stan narrowed his eyes in confusion. He didn’t give his number to strangers and the only people who even knew it was his friends. He would have thought it was a wrong number but there something about the fact that this guy thought he was called _Eddie_ that made him stop before he put the phone down.

“No,” Stan said slowly. “this is Stanley Uris.”

The man sighed in a tired way. “Sorry, guess I’ve got the wrong number.”

“Wait.” Stan said, knowing that the guy was about to put the phone down. “How did you get my number?”

The man sighed again, sounding even more tired. “I’ve got this guy here, super drunk, keeps crying and saying Eddie so I asked if he had anyone that he wanted to call so he dialled your number and then locked himself in my bathroom.”

Stan sat up straight in bed, knowing exactly who he was talking about, although he wasn’t sure how he ended up there.

“Let me guess- tall, crazy black hair, hasn’t shut up once.” Stan said, putting his book down and pulling on a pair of pants from his drawer.

“Yeah, that’s him.”

“Where are you? I’m coming to get him.” Stan picked up a sweatshirt and threw it over his head.

“I’m not sure I should give out my address to some random guy on the phone.” The guy said, sighing again.

Stan got a flash of anger. What the fuck was Richie doing, going home with random guys? He knew he was hurting but this was ridiculous. And what was this guy doing, bringing home some kid?

“You’ll take some 18-year-old home from what I assume was a club but you won’t give your address so someone can come to pick him up? Logic, please?” Stan said, his patience gone.

“He told me that he was 21.” The guy said, sounding horrified.

“Well, he’s not. He just turned 18 and he’s a mess right now so please just give me your address and I’ll come to get him.”

The man quickly agreed, clearly ashamed of himself for taking Richie home in the first place.

Stan hung up the phone, putting his head in his hands and nearly sobbing with frustration. He just wanted Richie to be okay and if he needed to get with someone to get over Eddie then surely it would have been better if he’d at least dragged Stan along so something this stupid didn’t happen. Stan’s heart just about broke when he thought about what Richie was going through.

Sighing, Stan dialled another number on his phone, a number that he hadn’t dialled in nearly two months and one that he thought he never would dial again, at least at this time of night.

Bill answered on the first ring with a sleepy voice. “I thought we agreed no more late-night booty calls?” Despite the sleep laden voice, it was clear he was smirking.

Stan felt himself blush even though he knew nobody could see him. “That’s not why I’m calling.”

Bill laughed gently. “I’m not complaining. I can be over in 5 if you want?”

“That’s not why I’m calling.” Stan repeated with an edge to his voice.

It was Bill’s turn to sigh, a deep, almost pained sigh. “Okay, Stan, why are you calling me at 1 am if it’s not for sex?”

“I just got a call from this guy in Bangor.” Stan started before Bill cut him off.

“Are you trying to make me jealous because I have to say it’s working.”

“Shut up.” Stan said sharply, his blushing getting even worse. Sometimes he really hated Bill. “This guy called me and told me that he had Richie in his apartment and he was super drunk. I need to go and get him and you have a car.”

There was stunned silence on the other end.

“I can walk around and grab the keys and I promise I’ll have it back first thing in the morning.” Stan said, chewing on one of his fingernails.

“Shit, I’m coming over right now.” Bill said, sounding like he was throwing some clothes on.

“What do you mean?” Stan was putting his shoes on, double knotting the laces because he hated the thought of them coming undone.

“I’m not letting you drive to Bangor alone at 1 am to some strange man’s apartment to pick up Richie. Also, why the fuck is Richie at some guy’s apartment?”

Stan sighed again. “Because he’s a fucking idiot and he’s heart-broken.” He paused. “But thanks, Bill, it really means a lot.”

The journey was mostly silent, just the radio playing classical music with the volume down low, the way that Bill liked the most. It wasn’t the world’s most awkward silence but it wasn’t particularly comfortable either; neither Bill nor Stan knew what to say to each other since they’d ended their friends-with-benefits arrangement two months earlier. They’d been hooking up for about a year after a particularly drunken night at Bill’s had ended up in them making out in Bill’s bed. After that, they couldn’t keep their hands off each other, always finding excuses to end up in one or the other’s bed until they got into the routine of Stan calling and Bill coming running. When Eddie had first been taken away, Stan had started spending a lot more time with Richie, meaning Bill and Stan barely saw each other anymore. They’d had a huge argument where Bill accused Stan of caring about Richie more than him and where Stan had told him that was very true, Richie was his best friend and he thought they were just having casual sex anyway. In truth, they’d both caught feelings and hadn’t been sure what to do. They weren’t Richie and Eddie, they didn’t want to date each other; they just wanted to have sex a lot and then cuddle afterwards and maybe go out sometimes. Okay, they _did_ want to date each other but they didn’t want to admit it.

“So, are you excited for graduation?” Bill said, trying to start a conversation once he’d seen the first road sign for Bangor.

“God, yes.” Stan said with a smile. “A nice, relaxing summer and then I finally get to move away from Derry.”

Bill looked at him and felt his heart beat faster. He’d really missed Stan. “Well, I’m going to be around until like August if you ever want to hang out.”

“Yeah, I imagine we’ll be doing a lot of group hangs.” Stan said, not really concentrating on Bill’s words and more concentrating on not reaching out and touching the line where his hair met his neck. He knew that was a sensitive spot for Bill and he wanted nothing more than to give it a gentle stroke.

“Oh, um, I was hoping that maybe we could hang out alone. Together.” Bill said, feeling incredibly awkward.

Stan started paying attention. He narrowed his eyes at Bill slightly. “Do you mean sex?”

“Or we could go to the movies or out for dinner or something.” Bill shrugged, trying to sound nonchalant.

Stan narrowed his eyes even further. “Are you asking me on a date?”

Bill gulped down some air. He’d wanted to ask Stan on a date for months but it had always been the wrong moment; he’d just had to say it now while they were alone in case, they were never alone again. At least if he rejected him then he knew he’d tried.

“Uh, yeah.”

Stan grinned. “Of course, I’ll go on a date with you.” He tucked his hand under Bill’s on the gear stick.

They went back to sitting in silence but this time it was extremely comfortable. They were both nervous to get to this guy’s place and have to deal with the random man and with a very drunk Richie but it was easier that they were doing it together. Bill was tall and strong and could easily help manoeuvre Richie into the car, whereas Stan was serious when he got angry and was ready to chew out this stupid man who thought it was okay to take Richie home.

“We’re like 15 minutes away.” Stan said eventually, squinting at the map he was holding. “We should probably plan what we’re going to say.”

“Uh, yeah, okay.” Bill said. “Firstly, I’m going to punch that guy into next week and then we’re going to get Richie and come home.”

Stan rolled his eyes. “You don’t even know what this guy looks like, you’re not hitting him.”

“Yes, I am.”

“So, you buy into the fucked up societal ideals that because you’re a guy you have to show your emotion through violence? I refuse to date someone who wants to act like a caveman.” Stan said, glaring at Bill with venom. It was one of his huge sticking points and one of the only problems he had with Bill as a person, still not completely over when Bill punched Richie when they were 13.

“Fine, whatever, I won’t hit him.” Bill rolled his eyes back.

They finally arrived outside the guy’s apartment, climbing up the three flights of stairs until they were outside of his door. Stan knocked on the door, suddenly feeling the intense need to hold Bill’s hand again. It was nice, their hands just seemed to fit together.

The door opened to reveal a man of about 25 wearing nothing but a pair of sweatpants. He was tall and large and kind of the exact opposite of Eddie. It made Stan sad.

“Your friend is in the bathroom.” The guy pointed at a door on the other side of the room.

Stan nodded, pushing Bill in that direction. “You go try and get him out, I’ll talk.”

Bill squeezed his hand tightly before letting go and walking in the direction of the bathroom door, where he started softly knocking. Stan, however, turned around and glared at the guy.

“I want to know exactly what happened.” Stan crossed his arms over his chest in anger.

Despite the huge size difference, the man took a step backwards, looking scared.

“Um, well, I found him on the dance floor. He was already pretty drunk and started dancing with me like I mean he knew what he wanted. So, we came back here, had some more drinks, had sex and then he started crying about this Eddie guy. Was saying that he’d fucked up. Then, he dialled your number and locked himself in there.” The guy said, looking pretty shifty.

“Right, okay.” Stan started chewing his fingernail again.

Bill came back over, putting his hand back into Stan’s and whispering in his ear. “He won’t come out, he just wants Eddie.”

Stan’s heart sank. He just wanted there to be a way where Richie could delete all the Eddie parts of himself for a while, not so that he forgets that he loved him but that he forgets about this pain.

Stan walked over the door. “Hey, Rich.”

“Eddie?” Richie said from the other side of the door. He sounded so happy, so hopeful that it nearly killed Stan.

“No, it’s Stan.”

“Oh.” Richie said, clearly deflated.

Stan leaned against the door. “I think you should come out now?”

Richie sighed loudly but the lock turned and the door finally opened. He emerged, wearing a pair of boxers and one of his large black t-shirts. His hair was an extreme mess and his face was red and puffy like he’d been crying for hours; he probably had been.

“I’m sorry, Stan.” Richie looked down, not wanting to make eye contact with his best friend and see the disappointment in his face. He felt so mad at himself for being so stupid but he thought that getting with someone would help him get over Eddie but instead it made him miss him even more. And now he felt even worse because now he’d overtaken the memory of Eddie’s body with this random guy, who he didn’t even know. He just wanted to sleep forever.

“Don’t be sorry, it’s fine.” Stan said, holding his hand so that he was now holding Bill’s in one hand and Richie’s in the other. He saw Richie clock his and Bill’s entwined hands but he didn’t say anything; it just wasn’t the right time.

They got Richie into the car, managing to walk past the random guy without Bill actually hitting him. Richie fell asleep almost instantly, as soon as his eyes closed and the car began to move. Stan watched him sleeping, loving seeing him finally so peaceful without the pain that he saw in his eyes every day. They took him back to Bill’s, putting him on the bed in the spare room before they retired to Bill’s room where they cuddled themselves to sleep.


	12. 1995 iii

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eddie comes back to visit for a weekend part 1-  
Richie still loves Eddie, even though he's tried so hard to push the feelings away. Two months before he leaves for California, ready to start a new life on the opposite coast, a long way from Derry and his memories of Eddie Kaspbrak, the boy in question decides to come back and visit his hometown leaving Richie reeling. Will Eddie be the same Eddie who left or will Sonia have got to him?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am super sorry that this has taken forever for me to write: uni has started back and I am drowning in work and I've also been really down lately and writing takes a lot out of me. Hopefully, now I've got this chapter out of the way, I'll be able to carry on as planned and we'll be able to finish!  
If anyone's still reading this, thanks for sticking with me. As usual, comments and kudos fuel my heart and I'd love you forever if you left me some.   
Lots of love!

June-

Bill and Stan were halfway to having sex when the phone rang. They’d gone on their date in April, had a great time and had been together ever since. They were both going to the University of Maine down in Orono: Bill on a Baseball scholarship and Stan because he didn’t want to be so far away from his parents yet. They’d come out to Bill’s parents, who were surprised but not that bothered since they rarely spent any time with Bill anyway but not to Stan’s parents who were unlikely to ever be okay with it, something that made Stan deeply sad.

The phone in Bill’s room rang and they broke apart to look at each other.

“Don’t answer it.” Stan said, reaching back in to kiss Bill.

Bill shook him off. “Nah, it might be important.” He reached over to grab the phone but Stan pulled his hand away first.

“More important than me?” Stan pouted and Bill nearly relented because of how cute he looked but he also could never resist answering the phone. So, he answered the phone.

“Hello?” Bill said, trying to ignore the fact that Stan was littering kisses down his chest.

“Uh hi, Bill.”

Bill nearly dropped the phone, sitting up straight and almost knocking Stan to the floor.

“Eddie?”

Stan tried to grab the phone off Bill. Bill shook his head but motioned for Stan to lie on his chest so that they can both hear the phone.

“Yep, it’s Eddie.” Eddie said, his voice quiet and serious.

“So, how have you been?” Bill said, clearly having no idea how to start a conversation with his long-lost best friend

There was a pause on the other end of the line. All things considered, Bill hadn’t really asked the best question.

“Yeah, I’ve been okay.” Eddie said, sounding very uncertain.

“Well, it’s always great to speak to you, Eddie but is there any reason for this call?” Bill said, frowning at the phone. Eddie hadn’t spoken to anyone who wasn’t Richie since he’d moved away; they’d understood that Eddie got limited phone time and wanted to spend it all on Richie but it still hurt that he’d never thought to call Bill. Bill had been his best friend since they were tiny and even though he’d never admit it, he felt kind of abandoned by Eddie. Then after the break-up, they had no way of knowing anything about Eddie; it was weird that he was calling Bill now.

“Actually yeah, I’m coming home. For the weekend.” Eddie said slowly.

Stan and Bill looked at each other, all raised eyebrows and shocked expressions. Eddie was coming home. _Eddie was coming home._ They’d just all assumed that they’d never see Eddie again, not that he was just going to rock up back in Derry for a weekend. They thought that he was locked in a bedroom in New York. Although, they supposed, now that he wasn’t with Richie, there wasn’t really a reason for him to be kept from the real world.

“Wow, that’s really big news.” Bill said, trying to sound excited, trying to be excited that his best friend was coming home but finding it really hard. They’d just found their new post-Eddie equilibrium, one where Richie was acting like himself again and where they were all kind of happy. This was their last summer together and Bill wasn’t sure that a visit from Eddie wouldn’t ruin the rest of it.

Bill also didn’t want to look at Stan right now. Stan, who dropped everything to be there for Richie when he needed him most and who probably wasn’t going to react well to Eddie being back in town. Bill _really_ liked Stan, maybe even loved him but Eddie being home was just going to cause arguments.

“Yeah, my mom’s selling the house so she wants me to go and get any stuff that we left there. I was thinking we could do something as a group…movie night like the old days.”

Eddie sounded impossibly sad and it tugged on Bill’s heart-strings. This was his best, oldest friend and he couldn’t just reject him when he was clearly trying to offer some sort of olive branch.

“Oh yeah, that sounds real fun.” Bill said, biting his lip. “I’ll see if I can gather everyone at mine, say Saturday night?”

Bill just couldn’t say no. Yes, it would probably cause arguments and yes, there was definitely going to be some issues but Bill couldn’t pass up the opportunity to have all his friends together at once.

“Thanks, Bill.” Eddie said, sounding slightly happier than when he’d first called.

Bill put the phone down and finally looked at Stan. He did not look happy; his arms were crossed across his chest, the way they always were when he was mad and he was glaring at Bill.

“What did you want me to say?” Bill said, already feeling defensive over Eddie and he wasn’t going to be there for another 5 days.

“No would have been a good place to start.” Stan said, narrowing his eyes even further.

They glared at each other for a good minute before Bill broke.

“I’m sorry, I just couldn’t waste a final chance for us to have one last night like we used to. I can call him back and say no if you want me to.” Bill said. It was true, he would have cancelled on Eddie if Stan wanted him too. He needed to stop thinking about the way things were and start concentrating on the way things will be and Stan was the future so Stan was the priority.

Stan rolled his eyes but it was gentle and he slipped back into their earlier position so that he was laying on Bill.

“I guess it’ll be fine but I have to tell Richie first and you have to come with me.” Stan said, gently reaching up and poking Bill on the nose. Bill moved at the last minute so Stan’s finger ended up in his mouth, where he sucked on it, taking them back to the moment they’d been in before Eddie’s phone call had disturbed them.

-

They told Richie the next night over burgers at the diner. It was the same place where two months earlier they had told him they were dating. That time, he’d narrowed his eyes at them as if trying to see whether they were joking. Once, he was clear they were being serious, he’d laughed and told them he was super happy for them and he thought they made a cute couple. When Stan went to the bathroom, however, Richie turned to Bill, whom he still didn’t entirely trust, and told him that if he even tried to hurt Stan then he would genuinely kill him. Bill knew that the threat was real; Stan was important to Richie and they’d always had this intense bond so Bill did really know that Richie would come after him but he also knew that he wasn’t planning to hurt Stan so all would be good.

Richie didn’t react quite as well this time. He barely glanced at his friends before continuing to eat his food. After a moment of silence, he finally spoke.

“No, thanks. I’m not interested.”

Stan looked at Bill as if to say _I told you so_ but Bill just shook his head and tried again.

“Come on, Rich, one last meeting of the Losers Club.”

Richie shook his head almost violently. “I’m not going to sit around and watch movies and play games and act like everything is cool.”

Stan sighed. He didn’t blame Richie for not wanting to see Eddie. If he and Bill had been gone through the same things as Richie and Eddie, Stan wasn’t sure that he would ever want to see him again, let alone sit around and pretend that they were friends. But also, Stan knew how important this was to Bill and he wanted his boyfriend to get that ‘one last perfect night’ that he’d been dreaming of. So, Stan knew he had to get Richie on board.

“Please, Richie. You don’t even have to speak to Eddie, we’ll barricade you at one end of the room and him at another. You don’t even have to look at him if you don’t want.” Stan said, making eye contact with his best friend.

Richie was conflicted. The last thing he wanted to do was spend a night at Bill’s watching everyone fawn over Eddie like he hadn’t torn his heart to pieces but Stan never asked him for anything. Stan had done so much for him over the years and he’d never asked for anything in return and _this_ is what he was asking for. Richie knew that he would do anything for Stan, even if it meant having the most awkward night of his life.

“There better be alcohol provided.” Richie said, raising an eyebrow at Bill, almost as if in a challenge. Realistically, it wouldn’t be a good idea for him to be around Eddie when he was drunk but he knew exactly how much he was going to struggle to look him in the eyes knowing that he had broken his heart and didn’t even seem to care.

Bill smiled at him, gently. “Of course, Rich.” He exchanged a look with Stan, as if to say _thank you_. Stan just raised his eyebrows slightly; Bill could thank him in other ways.

“So, why’s the prodigal son returning anyway?” Richie said, playing with his food and trying to make his voice sound disinterested. It didn’t work.

“Sonia’s selling the house and she needs Eddie to come and pack up the last of their things for storage. They’re moving into a new house right by his Uncle’s.” Stan said.

Richie made a noise that sounded like a scoff. “Of course, he’s still going to live with her. I thought maybe he’d finally grown a backbone; that maybe after what she’d done, he’d never back down to her again. I guess he really is the spineless little kid that he pretends he’s not.”

Bill and Stan looked at each other, almost in pain. They hated seeing Richie like this; he’d never once in all the years that they’d known him had a mean word to say about Eddie. They knew that he was hurt and he was just taking that anger out but it still made them sad to hear him say those words about someone he loved so much.

“You don’t need to look like I just killed your puppy, you know that I don’t mean it.” Richie said, rolling his eyes but really feeling badly for saying that about Eddie. Eddie wasn’t spineless; he was put in a bad position and he had made decisions that Richie didn’t agree with but he wasn’t spineless. Richie’s heart ached at the thought of Eddie stuck living with his mother for even longer. He didn’t want to be that desperate person, begging Eddie to reconsider but he knew that when he saw his favourite face in real life that he was going to find it really hard to maintain composure and not try and convince him to still move to California with him. Richie wondered whether Eddie had transferred his college applications to places in New York or whether he was simply just not going to go; he wasn’t sure which was worse.

-

Eddie’s train got into Bangor at 8 on the Friday night and he’d called Bill the day before to ask for a lift from the station to his house. Bill had agreed easily but when he’d brought it up to Stan, he’d met resistance.

“You promised me that we could go to the movies on Friday.” Stan said, looking at his boyfriend with a glare. In truth, Stan didn’t care about watching a film, he cared more that Bill kept his promises. Stan had always hated flaky people and he had no time for anyone who ditched already made plans for new ones with different people and Bill knew this. The only problem was that they only had one other friend with a car: _Richie._

Surprisingly, Richie hadn’t taken that much persuading to pick Eddie up from the train station. After all, it was a half an hour drive and they could easily ignore each other if they needed. And it appealed to Richie’s protective nature, knowing that his choice meant that Eddie would be safer than if he’d got a taxi or a bus. He’d agreed so quickly, trying to act like he wasn’t secretly excited to spend some alone time with Eddie; maybe he’d finally get some kind of apology or at least reasoning. It could be great closure.

Now, Richie was sat in the driver’s seat of his car, watching the people streaming out of the train station, waiting to see that familiar brown hair in the crowds of people. He wasn’t sure how to make himself known to Eddie; he didn’t want to wave or shout and seem too excited to see Eddie but Eddie was expecting Bill and he wouldn’t find him otherwise.

Richie had no reason to be worried as Eddie left the train station in a throng of commuters, getting lost in between their much taller frames. He walked to the side of the scanned the car-park for Bill’s car but stopped halfway around when he spotted Richie who was still staring at the entrance. Eddie considered running back inside and getting the next train back to New York but he knew that wasn’t the right thing to do. He had to grow up and face Richie in real-life instead of replaying the disbelief in Richie’s voice when he’d told him it was over. It had been so long since he’d seen Richie and he hated himself for it but he couldn’t even remember what he looked like. He remembered vaguely: tall, dark hair, huge grin but he lost the intimate side-the colour of his eyes or the way his teeth were slightly too big for his face. Seeing him now brought a rush of emotion to Eddie; how could he have ever forgotten what _Richie_ looks like.

Swallowing all of his painful feelings, Eddie made his way to Richie’s car, pulling the passenger door open and climbing into the seat as Richie turned to stare at him incredulously. Eddie stared back instinctively, almost as if he was challenging him to say something. Quickly, Eddie realised that it wasn’t last year; Richie wasn’t his boyfriend, wasn’t even his friend so he turned to look out of the window, almost holding his breath.

“Hey, Eds.” Richie said softly, still not turning on the car. He just stared at Eddie, taking in his short, neatly combed hair and his pressed clothes. It was Eddie; Eddie could wear anything and still be adorable.

“Hi.” Eddie mumbled back, maintaining his gaze out of the window.

Richie sighed sadly and started the car, resigning himself to a quiet car journey.

It was a quiet car journey while Richie navigated his way out of Bangor and onto the highway. Just as he was pulling off at the exit for Derry, Eddie turned around for the first time. He looked intently at Richie, noticing how the summer sun had brought out his freckles and how much he just wanted to run his hands over them. His hair was also longer and looked more unkempt without Eddie being there to brush it for him whenever they got too messy. He still looked good though; he always looked good. Eddie’s heart ached and he knew he had to try and explain himself.

“I’m seeing someone.” Eddie said, the words tumbling out of his mouth before he could fully think about the connotations.

Richie’s head snapped around to look at Eddie, his mouth open slightly in shock. He felt like someone had taken his heart and squeezed it tightly, sending waves of pain throughout his body. Eddie had moved on. _Fuck._

“What’s he like?” Richie said, his voice barely more than a whisper. He didn’t know why he asked; he didn’t want to know the answer because of course, anyone would be better than him. He was such a mess.

Eddie laughed nervously. “Oh no, I didn’t mean like that.”

Richie was super confused now. He didn’t know that he even wanted to know what Eddie was talking about. Whatever way this conversation went, he knew that it probably wasn’t going to soothe his aching heart.

“Oh?”

“I mean I’ve been seeing a pastor. He’s been…helping me.” Eddie said, looking at the way Richie’s eyes crinkled in confusion before clearing.

“Ah, I get you. Praying away the gay.” Richie laughed in a completely non-friendly way, pointing at Eddie with finger-guns.

“I’m not-“ Eddie started to protest before Richie cut him off.

“Gay, I know.” Richie said, rolling his eyes and keeping his gaze locked on the road. He was starting to get pissed off now and even though he knew that it wasn’t Eddie’s fault and he’d been pushed into this, he was still annoyed at the way he was acting.

“I can give you his number if you want. He could help you too.” Eddie said, playing with his fingers the way that he always did when he was nervous. He hadn’t even realised that he was nervous until he saw the way Richie was looking at him; like he was crazy.

“I think I’ll decline that offer.”

They went back to sitting in silence while Richie drove through the streets of Derry. They passed Stan’s house and the drain where Georgie Denbrough had been taken and all their lives had been changed forever. Eddie looked out of the window, watching the surroundings that he’d known his whole life but that he’d somehow forgotten. How could he have forgotten the place that he’d called home for the first almost 18 years of his life?

“I’m just dropping you at home, right?” Richie said, as he turned the corner onto their block. Both their houses were on the same block but different streets, the perfect distance to walk or run to when they needed each other. Now, the distance was too little and Richie’s heart broke a little more every time he had to drive past the empty Kaspbrak house. At least that wasn’t going to be a problem for much longer.

“Yes, please.” Eddie said, suddenly feeling sad that their car journey was over. Just being that close to Richie had made Eddie feel better than he had in months. Everything that he’d been told since he’d been forced to break up with Richie seemed to melt away from his mind the second that they’d got inside the town limits of Derry. Now, all Eddie could think about was _RichieRichieRichie_. He saw the tree by Mrs Porter’s house that Richie had pressed him up against and made out with him in the dead of night last November on the way home from a drunken night at Bill’s. Eddie was thinking about the way the tree bark had pressed uncomfortably into his back but he would have stayed there all night if it meant that he could feel Richie holding him like that, grinding into him just enough to leave him breathless. Then when they’d both been just worked up enough, they’d run back to Richie’s house and his bedroom where they’d had slow and gentle sex, laughing and whispering to each other the whole time. It was so _special._

Richie pulled up in front of Eddie’s house, looking up at the dark windows. Every part of his body ached to not let Eddie inside. He could just lock the door and never let Eddie out and then he would be safe from his mother. Except, he could never do it; the whole part of his relationship with Eddie was that unlike his mother Richie _didn’t_ control Eddie and he wasn’t about to start now. Eddie was fine; he would just have to go into that empty house alone, into that bedroom where Richie had first felt Eddie’s body and the way he could _do_ things that you wouldn’t expect just looking at him.

Eddie turned back towards Richie. He should have just got out of the car; he should have just run into his old house and locked the door and forced himself to forget again. What he definitely should not have done was reach over, grabbing the back of Richie’s neck where his hair tangled the most and dragging his face towards his own, kissing him with the passion that had been buzzing in his veins since he’d seen Richie outside the train station. Richie could do nothing but kiss him back, licking his bottom lip until he opened his mouth and they were all over each other. Eddie moved even closer, wanting to be as close as possible to Richie.

Richie pulled away quickly, pushing Eddie back on to his own seat, trying not to look at how swollen his lips looked or how good his hair looked mussed up like that from his own hands. He _could not_ do this with Eddie, not this Eddie who’d be gone in two days and who he probably would never see again. As much as he would have given anything for one last night with Eddie; he couldn’t have it this way, knowing that it would just make his heart hurt all the more come Sunday when Eddie boarded that train back to New York, taking all Richie’s hopes and dreams with him.

“I’m sorry.” Eddie said, looking down away from Richie’s gaze. He should have expected Richie to reject him; he probably doesn’t love him anymore after what Eddie had done to him. Eddie felt the tears stream down his face; he’d ruined the best thing in his life and forgotten about it.

Richie sighed, moving his hands until they were cupping Eddie’s face, lifting it until they were looking eye-to-eye.

“You don’t have to be sorry, my lovely.” Richie said, stroking the soft skin on Eddie’s cheek. He loved him so much and he was in so much pain but he’d always been a sucker for Eddie when he was crying. He would have done anything to stop those tears. “Everything is okay.”

Eddie had no idea why Richie was being so nice to him; he didn’t deserve it. He took the kindness though because it meant he could be closer to Richie, staring into his big eyes, feeling as if nothing else in the world mattered than this moment.

“You got to go inside now, baby.” Richie said softly, continuing to stroke the tears off Eddie’s face. Eddie nodded slowly, pulling away and grabbing his backpack, leaving the car before either of their resolves could break and they’d be back to their earlier position.

Richie watched as Eddie entered the house, the door closing behind him with one last glance at the car. Richie started the car and drove back to his own house before he could even quite process what had just happened. All he could think about was Eddie and how the love he felt for him had not faded in the slightest. Not at all.


	13. 1995 iv

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eddie comes back to visit: part 2  
Can Richie and Eddie resist each other when they are forced to spend time together?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 13 already, wow, this is much longer than I anticipated.   
As usual, thank you to everyone who is reading this and please comment and leave kudos as they genuinely make my life!

June-

Richie stood outside Bill’s door for longer than necessary. He hovered his hand over the knocker, knowing that Eddie was already inside, probably sat on his favourite side of Bill’s sofa with his legs curled up next to him. Richie could picture it so clearly and he wanted nothing more than to walk through the door and see it. Except, the events of last night had been running around his head constantly since he’d got home. Eddie had kissed him and looked at him with that softness in his eyes that had always made Richie melt. He knew if he walked into that room and saw Eddie curled up on the sofa, he was not going to be able to stop himself from curling up beside him, throwing an arm around the smaller boy and pulling him on to his chest so he could feel his breathing. He knew that he couldn’t push Eddie though; he couldn’t try and get him to agree to something he’d regret and then break his own heart when Eddie left again the next morning.

The door flew open before Richie could turn around and go home.

“Are you coming in?” Stan said, appraising Richie from the top step. He saw the hair that looked like it had been brushed for the first time since they’d graduated and the black t-shirt with the teal squiggles on it that was always Eddie’s favourite. Stan narrowed his eyes at his best friend. “The drive was okay then?”

Richie laughed slightly. Stan could always read him better than anyone. “It was… fine.”

Stan raised an eyebrow. He wasn’t sure whether he wanted to ask what had happened. It had crossed his mind that sending Richie to pick Eddie up could have catastrophic consequences but the fact that they were both here at Bill’s led him to believe that nothing bad had happened and he felt the tiniest of hope that maybe something good had happened.

“How fine?”

Richie took a deep breath. He trusted Stan with his life but opening his mouth and telling him that Eddie had kissed him seemed so hard in that moment. What if Stan told him that he didn’t think it meant anything? Richie’s heart was so fragile these days; he didn’t think it could take another blow.

“Rich?” Stan asked again, looking curiously at his friend.

“It was fine like Eddie kissed me outside his house and it was perfect but I pushed him away because like ten minutes before he was telling me all this bullshit about seeing a fucking pastor and not being gay and I didn’t want to just kiss him and risk him breaking my heart again.” Richie said, the words tumbling out of his mouth, making him feel lighter almost as if his worries were physically weighing him down.

Stan stared at him. He’d expected Richie and Eddie to have a conversation in the car, maybe even discuss their broken relationship but he had definitely not expected that. His heart hurt to think of Richie pushing away the one thing he wanted because he was so scared to get stung again but he also understood that he had to; Eddie was going back to New York again tomorrow and he’d most likely never come back.

Silently, Stan gathered his best friend into a large hug, helped by the fact he was stood on a step higher so taller for once. He rubbed gentle circles on his back, trying his best to help some of that worry float away.

Eventually, Richie pulled away with a gentle smile. “Thanks, Stanny, you always make me feel better.”

“Just doing my best friend duty. Now, get your ass inside before Billy comes looking for us.”

They walked to the back of the house, where Bill’s den was: a specific room that had been decorated for use of the Denbrough brothers back when they were kids and that now featured a wall that was made up of just pictures of Georgie. Bill’s parents hadn’t been in that room in almost 6 years so it was the safest spot for all their group hang-outs. They all had specific spots there: Stan took the armchair by the TV and since they’d been together, Bill sat on his lap with his legs over the sides of the chair in a way that made everyone giggle and Stan complain that he was being squished even though he loved it really. Mike and Ben had one sofa to themselves, sitting normally like the good people they are. Bev always sat on the floor, taking all the cushions from around the room to make herself a comfortable, little bed. Richie and Eddie shared the other sofa, lying on each other, grossing everyone out with their PDA but no-one ever asked them to stop; they loved seeing their friends so happy.

Now, Richie dawdled at the door to the den as Stan went to plop himself down in Bill’s lap, loving the opportunity to annoy his boyfriend back for once. Richie looked over at his sofa, the one he’d been sitting on alone since April and felt his heart lift instinctively at the sight of Eddie on his usual end, all tan skin and short shorts. It almost felt like old times.

Except it wasn’t and Richie made his way across the room and perched on his end of the sofa, the vast chasm of space between them seeming almost as metaphorical as it was literal. Eddie turned his head and looked at the gap and then at Richie with an expression that he couldn’t place and he wasn’t sure whether it was hope that was telling him that Eddie wished they were closer as well.

“Hey, Rich.” Eddie spoke quietly, almost as if he didn’t want anyone else in the room to notice that he’d spoken but of course, they did and they all turned to look at the ex-couple expectantly.

“Eds.” Richie said, giving him a nod before turning to Bev and asking her how the drive up from Portland was.

Eddie felt his heart sink at this little interaction. He’d also spent the entire night thinking about Richie, thinking about how much he’d enjoyed kissing him and about all these memories that were suddenly floating around in his head again, having been lost for the past two months. So, Eddie had shown up at Bill’s with a heart full of hope, ready to explain to Richie about how one day he’d woken up and he just couldn’t remember Richie and he’d found the picture of them and been so confused about who this person was. And then his mother had come in and asked him whether he was ready to admit that she was right and he was straight and Eddie didn’t have a reason to disagree so he’d listened while she told him what to say on the phone to this _boy_ that he supposedly loved. Somewhere inside his brain, he remembered a Richie, a friend of his whom he’d been close to but not as close as he was to his best friend, Billy, whom he could remember much more clearly. Eddie had said what his mother wanted, crying only because of the broken way his old friend sounded on the phone when he’d said those words. It was only afterwards when he was reeling alone in his room that he remembered that Richie was his boyfriend but by then it was too late, he was gone and he didn’t have the energy to fight his mother on anything else. Instead, he just pined for this person that he could barely remember, letting his mother’s bullshit words continue to drip poison into his mind. The poison that he’d now found the antidote to again in the shape of the tall, dark boy sat on the other end of the sofa.

-

The plan for the night was for them to act like they were fifteen again: stay up all night playing games and drinking (although they’d moved on to whiskey and vodka now, unlike the lite beers they used to drink) and then they’d all fall asleep in their usual positions, teasing whoever fell asleep first. Except, hard liquor got them drunk a lot faster than the beer did and by eleven thirty, Ben and Mike were both fast asleep on their sofa, legs meeting in the middle under one of Bill’s fluffy blankets. Stan’s head kept dropping but Bill kept planting slopping kisses on his face to wake him up, making him groan in frustration every time. Bev was lying on her back on her mound of pillows, looking up at the ceiling and giggling, chatting with Eddie occasionally but repeating the same questions every five minutes and making him laugh. Richie just sat and watched his friends, feeling both sad and happy. He was nostalgic for the past when a night like this way normal but he was also trying desperately to ingrain the image in his memory.

Sighing, Richie drained his cup of whiskey and went to the kitchen to get another. He’d just opened the cupboard where they were hiding their booze when he heard footsteps behind him: little, tiny footsteps that were as familiar to Richie as his own.

“Go back in the den, Eddie.” Richie said, without turning around. He didn’t want to turn around and see Eddie behind him with his cheeks all flushed from the alcohol and he’d probably ask Richie to make him another drink but he knew that Eddie was just on the good side of drunk and one more drink would lead him to the dark, paranoid place he got sometimes and Richie was too tired and too impulsive to hold him while he was crying and not kiss the tears right off his face.

“I just want to talk.”

Richie finally turned around, holding his whiskey that he was drinking from one of Mr Denbrough’s fancy tumblers because he’d barely spoken a word to Bill since he’d gotten into college and Bill didn’t give a shit anymore. He looked at Eddie, who did indeed have flushed cheeks in the most perfect pink colour Richie had ever seen. He bet they’d be warm too and Richie ached to be able to rest his hands on them, loving that his palms were so big that they could cover them entirely.

“So, talk.” Richie said, shrugging, trying to look way more casual than he felt.

Eddie jumped up and took a seat on the kitchen island, feet dangling off the side, his shorts bunching up even shorter because of the way he landed, forcing Richie to drag his eyes away from the tanned flesh. Eddie knew what he was doing, he’d found these shorts in his closet at home and immediately remembered one particular day last summer when he’d been living with Richie and he’d been wearing these shorts. They’d been lightly making out in bed before going out to meet up with the others at the quarry and Richie had come in his pants for the first time since they’d moved on from just kissing; he’d blamed those shorts and Eddie had never let him forget it…until he’d actually forgotten it. Now though, he remembered and he couldn’t stop himself from throwing them on and hoping that they’d catch Richie’s attention and they clearly did.

“I just wanted to start by saying I’m sorry. For last night and you know, _everything._” Eddie said, gesturing with his hands and looking up at Richie through his eyelashes in a way that made it hard for Richie to concentrate on his words. 

Richie sighed. He didn’t want Eddie to feel guilty anymore; he hated the way his face was twisted up all sad and he wanted nothing more than to see a smile on his pretty face. A smile that he’d put there.

“Like I said last night, Eds, you don’t have to be sorry.” Richie said, smiling gently at his ex-boyfriend.

Eddie let out a noise that sounded a lot like a growl. “But I am sorry, I’m sorry that I didn’t let you come and pick me up back when my mother first dragged me away. I could have been here this whole time; I wouldn’t have forgotten.”

Richie had no idea what he was talking about anymore but he was getting more and more upset.

“What did you forget?”

Eddie looked up at him again, eyes seeming to search and scan Richie’s like he was looking for something in particular.

“It was gradual, you know. One day, I woke up and I panicked because I couldn’t remember what colour your eyes are and then whether you really liked having your hair pulled, or was it that you really hated having your hair pulled? And then I couldn’t picture your face at all, no matter how hard I tried and it made me so sad. Then one day it’s all just gone, every last memory like someone’s just scooped it out with a melon baller, leaving just the vaguest feeling like there was something missing. I didn’t realise it was you until after my mother made me tell you all that shit on the phone. I should have fought her again and called you back and taken it back but I was so scared, Rich.” Eddie said, barely taking a breath between words, leaving Richie with his mouth gaping open. Whatever he’d been expected Eddie to say, it wasn’t that his memories had magically disappeared.

“I love having my hair pulled.” Richie said, eventually.

Eddie giggled, the noise sounding weird to both of them because it was just so unexpected in such a serious conversation. Before long the two of them are laughing from their bellies: drunk and feeling crazy by the unbelievable situation. _Eddie didn’t stop loving him; he just forgot he ever did. Ha ha ha._

“No, like seriously, you just forgot?” Richie said, stopping laughing and pushing the hair out of his eyes so he can make eye contact with Eddie. Part of him couldn’t believe that Eddie had forgotten him; it sounded like some kind of bullshit excuse that could never hold up. But it was _Eddie_. Eddie didn’t lie and he didn’t try and use bullshit excuses to get out of things and there was no way he’d just stand here and lie to Richie’s face. And it wouldn’t be the craziest thing they’d ever had happen to them.

Eddie looked down again, his mouth pulling into a frown. “Yeah, I didn’t mean to forget. It was just like gone from my brain. I feel like the worst person in the world.”

Richie’s heart tweaked in his chest. This was Eddie; _his _Eddie, the person he loved most in the world and this was almost too much for him to bear. He never wanted to see Eddie looking so dejected and so confused. He sighed again, tiredly.

“You’re not the worst person in the world.” Richie said, his voice quiet and serious. “You’re my favourite person in the world.”

Eddie’s eyes instantly moved upwards to meet with his own. There was a look in them that was so familiar that Richie felt his throat dry up. He’d seen it for the first time at his 16th birthday party and had made it his goal to see it as often as humanly possible. Eddie tilted his head, kicking his legs against the counter, drawing Richie’s attention to his thighs again.

“Eds.” Richie whispered. He knew exactly how this was going to go but he knew he didn’t have the strength or resolve to stop it again.

Eddie continued to look at him and before Richie could even think his actions through, he was moving across the room and standing in front of Eddie, who quickly wrapped his legs around his waist and pulled him further in.

“You’re drunk.” Richie tried to speak again but Eddie only smirked at him and it made his heart soar to see him that close to a smile. Richie knew there was nothing he could do to stop his now. So, he put down his tumbler and used his now free hands to pull the back of Eddie’s neck closer until they were so close that he could feel Eddie’s hot breath on his lips. And then they were kissing and it was like the world just stopped-there was nothing else at all that mattered when he had Eddie here with his mouth pressed closely to his own and with his warm, little body wrapped in his arms.

Richie pulled back after a couple of minutes so that he could breathe and also examine Eddie’s face for any sign of regret. He saw none.

“Are you going to make us stop again?” Eddie said, in the teasing tone he always used when they were making out, pouting gently.

Richie shook his head frantically, pulling Eddie’s lips back to his own and kissing him passionately. He moved his arms down his body until they were pushing under Eddie’s t-shirt, feeling the warm skin against his hands. Eddie responded in kind by tangling his fingers in Richie’s hair and pulling roughly, making Richie moan into his mouth. It was hot and it was desperate but both boys felt like they’d come home.

They pulled apart again and stared at each other for a second, both assessing the situation and where they would go from here.

“Take me home?” Eddie said, looking at Richie hopefully.

Richie looked at him carefully. “Take me home or _take me home_?”

Eddie smiled up at him, the corners of his eyes crinkling in what looked like true happiness and in that moment they both felt it- the feeling of being with someone who loves you completely and all the bad stuff, the months of pining and longing just seemed to melt away.

They had to walk back to Richie’s house, they’d both had way too much to drink to be able to drive and they wanted it to be special, not just some quickie in Bill’s house while their friends slept in the room next-door. So, they walked home. It was dark and quiet and the air still had a lot of heat in it and they walked with entwined hands the way they would have done a year earlier. They didn’t walk past anyone else. They didn’t really talk either- Richie was too scared that he was going to say the wrong thing and Eddie would back up and Eddie just didn’t feel the need to talk, nothing else mattered except Richie now.

They got back to Richie’s house in record time, unlocking the door and climbing up the stairs to Richie’s room with their hands still joined. As soon as the door was closed behind them, Richie threw Eddie on to the bed.

The next morning, Richie dropped Eddie back off at the train station. They kissed goodbye and promised that they’d speak on the phone but they both knew that it was an empty promise. Whatever last night was, as perfect as it was, it felt a whole lot like closure. Surprisingly, Richie didn’t feel like his heart was broken anymore; the pain felt more manageable when he watched Eddie walk away for the last time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this seems like it could finish here but I'm going to do a time jump and then continue.


	14. 2003 i

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Richie meets a guy on a night out in New York. He's 25 and refuses to believe in relationships yet one night with this guy has him changing his mind, until he finds out that it was all a lie.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I definitely did not take a day off from uni to write this chapter ;)   
Okay, I really, really love this and I know that sounds super cocky but I do.   
Thanks for reading and please leave comments and kudos. Love you all lots.

February-

Richie Tozier was happy. He was 25, a high school and college graduate and now he was living in New York City, having the time of his life. He was an office assistant by day (he had bills to pay after all) but by night he alternated being a mildly popular comedian in small comedy joints and being lead-singer of a mildly popular band that frequently played in the gay bars of the city. He regularly took men home to his tiny apartment, always choosing mostly anonymous sex over having a relationship. Someone he’d been casually seeing around the millennium had called him a ‘commitmentphobe’ but Richie didn’t agree; he wasn’t scared of commitment, he just didn’t see the need for it when he could just sleep with whoever he wanted. Commitment was for boring people and Richie Tozier was definitely not boring.

Richie’s band, The Queer Lemons, had finished their set about an hour earlier and the rest of his bandmates had already gone home. Two of them were together and the other one, a lovely girl from Canada was engaged and always rushed home to her fiancée. Richie loved them but he thought that was so boring; he loved the attention he got when he stepped off the stage and into the crowd and how there were multiple men who would take him home without question. So, as usual, Richie made his way to the bar to get a drink and to scope out his audience. 

“Excuse me.”

Richie looked down, way down at the tiny person next to him. He smiled; this happened sometimes when guys would stop him in the crowd and tell him how he was an amazing singer and they wondered what else he could do with his mouth. Richie loved it.

“Hey, little one.” Richie said, to the little guy.

The guy was cute too. Short and small with tanned skin, light eyes and hair that looked soft and fluffy. Richie wanted to run his fingers through it. He was wearing old man clothes though: a forest green polo shirt and khaki pants. He was also glaring at Richie.

“Fuck off. You just fucking shoved me out of the way, asshole. Watch where you’re going.” The guy said, spitting his words up at Richie. Richie took a step back and tried not to laugh. The guy looked adorable even when he looked like he wanted to murder Richie.

“I’m so sorry, cutie.” Richie said, trying to resist the urge to run his fingers through the guy's hair. It was _that_ touchable.

“Don’t call me cute.” The cute guy raged, narrowing his eyes even further.

Richie felt his insides going warm. Normally, he would talk to a few guys and see where the night was going to take him but he knew right then and there that was going to take this guy home. He _had_ to take this guy home.

He leant up against the bar, twisting his body to make himself shorter and it easier to see the cute guy.

“How about I buy you a drink to say sorry?”

The guy’s face instantly twisted into disgust but then it cleared like he was thinking this through. Richie willed him to agree.

“Fine. I’ll have a gin and tonic, please.” The guy said, looking up at Richie, still glaring. Richie got the impression that this guy liked to glare a lot.

Richie laughed dryly. “A gin and tonic? Are you my mom? Let me buy you a real drink.”

The guy glared harder. “Don’t fucking ask me if I want a drink and then make fun of me.” He crossed his arms in front of his chest. Richie just laughed harder but he did flag down a bartender and order a gin and tonic and a beer.

Once their drinks arrived, Richie paid the bartender and moved off towards a quieter part of the bar, choosing a tall table with stools and waiting for the cute guy to follow him. He did, taking the seat opposite Richie and sipping from his gin and tonic.

“Do you come here often?” Richie said with a gleam in his eye. It was a line, a classic, cheesy, cliché line but it was also a genuine question-this guy didn’t really fit into the aesthetic of the place.

The guy seemed to assess the situation. “I know that’s a line but honestly, no. I’ve never-“ He gestured around with his hands.

“Been to a bar?” Richie said, smiling.

The guy glared at Richie again but it was with a hint of a smile and Richie knew he was winning him over.

“Oh, I know the kind of guy you are. The monogamous type- bet you’ve got a nice bear of a guy at home who you’ve been with forever but you’re bored and you wanted to try something new.” Richie grinned.

“Uh, no.” The guy said, looking at his with an odd expression. “I’m not, I just, it was…”

Richie stared at this guy and it all made sense. He was a newbie, one of those guys who tried to pretend they were straight until they eventually broke. Normally, Richie would run about a million miles from a guy like that but with this guy, Richie was invested.

“What’s your name?” Richie said.

The guy coughed and looked a bit awkward, as if telling Richie his name was what made this real. Richie just looked at him expectantly.

“Eddie. My name is Eddie.” He said, eventually.

Richie smiled, a truly genuine smile. “Well, Eddie, it’s lovely to meet you. I’m Richie.” He puts his hand across the table and they shake hands a bit awkwardly.

“I don’t know what I’m doing here.” Eddie said, sounding uncomfortable but also honest.

Richie leant his hand on his elbow and looked across at Eddie. The guy was cute, that was already established but he was also definitely hot and could probably have hooked up with most of the guys in this bar. They probably would have had rough sex in some dingy apartment and then Eddie would have left, feeling sore and probably a little dirty and feeling no more sure of himself than when he walked into the bar in the first place. Richie knew that; Richie did it himself when he was in college and for the first time, Richie wanted to help someone and he really, really wanted to have sex with Eddie.

“I think you know why you came here but you’re just embarrassed to admit it.” Richie said, equally as honestly.

Even in the dark bar, Richie could tell that Eddie was blushing and he looked away, staring down into his gin and tonic. Richie reached across and touched his hand, he couldn’t help it. Eddie didn’t flinch away.

“Do you want to dance?” Richie said, nodding his head at the dance floor in front of the stage. It was full of people dancing and a lot of couples grinding against each other in an almost obscene way. Eddie looked at them and then back to Richie, his mouth open slightly in a way that made Richie want to surge forward and kiss him. He didn’t though; he was going to save that for later.

They made their way onto the dance floor, finding a spot that was just big enough for the both of them and it was kind of a squeeze and when they moved, their bodies touched. Richie put his hands on Eddie’s waist, moving them in time to the rhythm, hearing the way his breathing changed when Richie pressed up behind him. _Yeah_, he was taking Eddie home tonight.

Richie kissed Eddie in the cab and Eddie kissed back. It was hesitantly at first but by the time the car was parked outside Richie’s building, Eddie was moaning into his mouth and fisting his hands in his shirt to keep Richie close. Richie swore that he’d never been this turned on by a kiss before.

They went upstairs and Richie rushed around the small place trying to put everything back in a spot where it wouldn’t look so messy even though he knew that his apartment had always looked messy and he’d never cared about what it looked like before but he saw how tidy and particular Eddie was and he didn’t want him to be freaked out by the mess. Eddie didn’t mind though; he just looked around the studio and then nodded in the direction of the bathroom.

“I’m just going to go and uh-get cleaned up.” And he was gone, locking the door behind him.

Richie stared at the locked door. He was nervous now and he didn’t know why he was nervous; he’d brought back guys all the time and he’d never been nervous. Something felt different. When he was kissing Eddie in the cab, it was like something in his body had just shifted and all he could think about was _EddieEddieEddie._ When they were talking, he almost felt like he knew Eddie, knew how his mouth would turn up when said certain things and his eyes would narrow when he said others.

Eddie came back into the room, wearing only his boxers. They were bright white like he regularly starched them and Richie couldn’t tear his eyes away. Eddie had perfect thighs: tanned and just the right level of thickness. Richie wanted to taste Eddie’s thighs.

Richie did get to taste Eddie’s thighs. He pinned him to the bed with his long arms and he licked stripes up and down Eddie’s legs until Eddie was practically shivering with anticipation. Then, he moved his mouth to other areas, teasing Eddie’s erection with his tongue until he was coming unravelled underneath him. Richie didn’t think that he would ever forget how beautiful Eddie looked when he was completely wrecked like that, writhing underneath him.

They had sex. It was slow and soft and completely unlike any of the sex Richie had ever had. Richie couldn’t tear his eyes away from Eddie’s face as he pushed into him, reaching forward and kissing him sloppily on the mouth. It was soppy sex; the kind of sex you have when you’re married and the other person is the person you love best in the world. It was definitely not one-night-stand sex. Richie didn’t even consider it, he just thought _I’m never letting this guy go._

-

Eddie woke up the next morning in Richie’s bed. He hadn’t been drunk when he’d left the bar; he knew exactly where he was and exactly why he was there. The room was lighter than it was when he’d seen it the night before and it was messy but it was good mess, lived in mess. It was nothing like the sterile apartment he lived in with his girlfriend, Myra. _Shit, Myra._ Eddie scrambled out of bed, grabbing his boxers from the floor and pulling them on. He hadn’t even called Myra last night to tell her that he wasn’t coming home. She’d probably called the police.

“Good morning.” A voice sang from the other side of the room.

Eddie looked over and saw Richie sat on a stool in the kitchen area. He was drinking a large mug of coffee and there were two plates of food in front of him. He’d cooked Eddie breakfast. _Shit._

“Hi.” Eddie said, before running into the bathroom to grab his clothes that he’d left there and pulling them on as quickly as possible.

Eddie came out and was about to explain that he had to go when he saw the way Richie was looking at him. It made him stop. The only word he could describe it was _fond._

“You got to go to work, cutie?” Richie said, resting his face on his hand and looking at Eddie in such a nice way that it hurt.

“Don’t call me cute.” Eddie shot back, still standing in the middle of the room. He didn’t have to go to work; he wasn’t working until Monday but he had to go home to his girlfriend and his real-life and that hurt too. He was a liar- he lied to his girlfriend and now he’d lied to Richie as well. Eddie felt like the worst person alive.

“Are you sure you don’t have time for a quick breakfast?” Richie said, frowning and looking at Eddie in that soft way.

Eddie walked over and sat on the stool next to him. He couldn’t stand to just walk out of that apartment, away from Richie. When he’d first met Richie last night, he’d thought that he’d be one of those cocky boys who knew exactly how hot they were and how to use that to get what they want. But Richie had been so gentle with Eddie, touching him softly and stroking his face. Eddie had just meant to get drunk and fuck a guy so that he could say he ‘got it out of his system’ and marry Myra. Except, touching Richie, feeling Richie inside him had made him feel things he didn’t even know was possible. And now, he was scared.

Eddie Kaspbrak has lived with his mother until he met Myra and moved into her apartment. He’d never gone to college and he vaguely remembers some argument with his mother about it but clearly it wasn’t important. He’d got a job fixing up cars with someone his Uncle knew and eventually moved on to driving cars for a Limo company. He liked his job: he liked talking to different people every day and he liked getting to travel around the city. Myra had been one of his clients one day- her father was some rich guy from Virginia and he’d hired a Limo to drive Myra around when she first moved to the city. She was short and kind of chubby but in a cute way, with curly blonde hair and big eyes. She asked Eddie out that first night and they’d been together ever since. There was just no question of not being with Myra. Her dad paid for him to start his own business and he was going to pay for the wedding and he paid for their apartment. Eddie would still be living with his mother if he hadn’t met Myra so he loved her for helping him escape. He wasn’t _in love _with her though. Eddie had got used to the idea that only some people got to fall in love and the majority just settled; he didn’t mind settling. He hadn’t been bothered at all until his friend, Daniel had gotten drunk on one of their rare nights out and tried to stick his tongue down his throat. It was a joke, playing off the fact that Eddie was such a germaphobe; Daniel was as straight as they came. But Eddie had liked it, liked the way his stubble had felt being pushed against his face, liked how much less soft his lips felt. That’s how Eddie had wound up at the bar, looking for a guy to try and prove that he was straight. Evidently, it hadn’t worked.

Eddie began to eat some of the eggs that Richie had cooked. They were nice. _This _was nice.

“So, I know we had sex and everything but I do not know anything about you. What do I need to know about the elusive Eddie Spaghetti?” Richie said, taking another sip of his coffee and looking at Eddie with a smile on his face.

Eddie felt like he was melting. Richie was just so _sweet._ He kind of just wanted to go back to bed with him and lay on his chest so he could play with his hair and maybe just stay there forever. These thoughts were killing Eddie. (He didn’t know that Richie had the exact same fantasy running through his mind.)

“Number one- definitely never call me Eddie Spaghetti again.” Eddie said, glaring at him but it was in a playful way.

“Okay, so you’re boring. Such a shame.” Richie grinned even harder, the gleam in his eye back now that he was teasing Eddie. It reminded Eddie of something, deep in the back of his mind. Someone used to tease him mercilessly but he couldn’t remember who it was. Strange.

“I’m not boring.” Eddie said, crossing his arms in front of his chest. “Well, actually I am quite boring. I own a Limo driving company- it’s not the most exciting job in the world but it’s mine and I like it.” He ended up sounding quite defensive in case Richie thought his job was boring.

“Oh shit, that’s cool. You’re so young, like what 22, 23? And you own a company? Wow.” Richie said, sounding genuinely impressed. He’d sound a lot less impressed if he knew how his company was funded. Eddie also felt flattered that Richie thought he was so young; he was nearly 26.

“I’m 25, turning 26 in like three weeks and then it’s just downhill to thirty.” Eddie said, smiling gently at Richie. “And I have help, technically I own like half my company or whatever.”

Richie reached out and placed a hand on top of Eddie’s on the counter. “Hey, don’t downplay your achievements. We’re like the exact same age and you’re the big boss man and I’m an assistant. I mean, I’m trying to get the comedy thing off the ground and I’m happy playing with the band but you’re so successful-it’s kind of intimidating.”

They end up back in bed, touching each other softly, running tongues and fingers everywhere they can think to put them. Richie thought he was happy before but he didn’t think he’d ever been happier than he was when Eddie was in his arms. They lay there afterwards, Eddie’s head resting on his chest and Richie is thinking about what he wants to cook for dinner. He wanted to make Eddie dinner and then take him back to bed and they could sleep together and then he could make him breakfast again. It hit Richie that maybe this was what it was like to want a commitment with somebody; even if he’d only known Eddie for like fifteen hours. 

Eddie took a shower eventually. Richie had nearly gone in with him but he didn’t want to scare him off so quickly so he’d sat back on the bed while he heard the water running. He could hear something else as well, like a buzzing sound. It sounded like a phone but Richie’s landline wasn’t ringing and he refused to sell out and buy a cell-phone. If someone wanted to reach him then they could wait until he was at home. Richie followed the sound of the buzzing until he saw Eddie’s jacket by the door. He couldn’t help it, he reached inside and took out a small, silver cell phone. It vibrated incessantly in his hand. He read the screen.

_27 MISSED CALLS: MYRA <3 _

_TEXT MESSAGE MYRA <3: Eddie-bear, where are you? You didn’t come home last night and I’m worried sick. I love you so much. _

Richie felt a kind of sinking feeling in his heart. He kept the phone with him and walked back over to the bed. Maybe there was other explanation. Maybe Myra was just a really good friend who easily shared her feelings. Maybe Myra was some creepy stalker who blew his phone up 27 missed calls every night. Or, maybe Myra was his long-term girlfriend and Richie was an idiot for thinking that any of this meant anything.

He’s still sat on the bed with Eddie’s phone in his hand when Eddie returned. Eddie took one look at the scene, at the way Richie’s eyes looked down when he saw him and he took a step back.

“You shouldn’t have gone through my phone.” Eddie said, defensive, always so defensive.

Richie put the phone down next to him. “I shouldn’t have gone through your phone? It kept ringing and it was annoying me, I only meant to turn it off.” Richie said, his voice quiet and serious. He was angry; normally he didn’t give two shits about the relationship status of the guy’s he slept with but he thought Eddie was different. He _wanted_ Eddie to be different. Fuck this guy for making Richie out to be the bad guy.

“So, is Myra your pimp or what? You going to ask me for some money for your fine performances because I have to tell you now that I’m dead broke.” Richie can’t help but make a joke out of the situation, it’s what he literally does best. It fell flat.

Eddie sat down on the edge of the bed next to Richie. They didn’t touch but the option was right there.

“Myra’s my girlfriend.” Eddie said, eventually.

“Hmm, I thought as much. I think I know who you are now.”

Eddie turned to look at him. “Who am I?”

“You’re one of those guys who is just too ‘scared’ to admit that you’re gay so you’re going to stay with your girlfriend and you’re going to get married and you’re going to keep slipping out to bars and clubs and having gross bathroom sex with strangers because you’ll die if you don’t and eventually you’ll burn out.” Richie stood up, brushing the front of his legs. “Good luck, kid.”

“It’s not like that.” Eddie said, sounding and looking utterly pathetic.

Richie tilted his head to look down at him. “No? So, you didn’t go out to a bar last night to pick up a guy and you didn’t come home with me and have sex with me just to go back to _Myra_ and pretend it never happened?”

Eddie practically whined. He was crying now, tears dripping down his face. Richie felt bad but he didn’t back down.

“Thought so.” He turned away. He wanted to leave but this was his apartment and really, he wanted Eddie to leave so he could curl in bed and cry. Cry for the short-lived fantasy in his mind of dating Eddie, of getting to hold Eddie at night. He hated how pathetic this made him feel.

“I didn’t mean to use you.” Eddie said, standing up and walking towards Richie. Richie shook his head.

“And yet you did.” He shook his head again and walked into the bathroom. “Please leave my apartment.” He shot over his shoulder before locking the door behind him. When he came out ten minutes later, the apartment was as empty as his heart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just to make it clear, this is a good way off being finished and it will end with a happy ending, so don't kill me.


	15. 2003 ii

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Richie and Eddie meet again in another bar and Eddie tries to make things up to Richie.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The second half of this is awful, big apologies.  
Love everyone for reading this. Please validate my existence with comments and kudos and I'll love you forever.

March-

Richie tried to forget about Eddie but he couldn’t. Every time he hooked up with someone afterwards, his mind would instantly turn to Eddie, thinking about how much he wished that it was Eddie who was under him and not some random guy from whatever bar they’d played at that night. Richie knew that he’d lost a part of himself to Eddie and he wasn’t sure he’d ever be the same guy he was before he’d met him. It was like some sort of fate that he had to meet him but a fucked-up one since he didn’t get to keep him. He hated the way his brain kept playing him images of Eddie: sleepy Eddie and glaring Eddie and completely wrecked Eddie.

It was two days before Richie’s birthday and The Queer Lemons were playing a different bar, one over in Brooklyn. Richie was having a great time, wearing a little party hat that Nina, their drummer had given him and shaking around on the stage. He was halfway through one of his favourite original songs when he noticed those big, grey eyes in the audience. _Fuck._ Eddie gave him a shy little wave, Richie looked away.

They finished their set and Richie made his way to the bar, deliberately pushing past Eddie. He didn’t want to talk to him. No, he did want to talk to him, more than anything but he couldn’t talk to him because he knew that would just end up with them back in his apartment and Eddie in his bed and Richie never letting him go. Richie had it _bad_ and he had it bad for a guy that he met once and barely knows. It was improbable and stupid but it was how he felt and he couldn’t change it.

“Wait, Richie.” Eddie said, following him, trying to grab the back of his t-shirt. Richie had dressed up for this show, it was the closest one to his birthday and he liked the extra attention he got when he was wearing his tight black jeans and a baggy black t-shirt that fell off one of his shoulders. He’d wanted to take someone home and try and finally get that image of Eddie out of his mind; clearly fate had other ideas.

Richie got to the bar and quickly asked the bartender for some shots. The bartender was a cute college guy who Richie had hooked up with last year and he said they were on the house, pushing four shots of tequila across the bar. Richie did two in quick succession before finally turning around to face Eddie.

“Hey, look, it’s Eddie Spaghetti.” Richie said, completely flatly. He looked at Eddie, who was dressed much more like a normal person tonight in light blue jeans and a checked button-down. He looked cute but in a different way than he had when they’d met. Richie was _fucked._

“Can we talk?” Eddie said, bouncing on the balls of his feet. He looked nervous and it made Richie kind of want to pick him up and just hold him. He shook away the feelings. He’d met Eddie once; this was ridiculous.

Richie nodded glumly. “You have a mouth, I have ears, we have all the key elements for a conversation.”

Eddie rolled his eyes. “Can we go somewhere quieter?”

Richie looked around the bar, it was ridiculously busy. These days a lot of people were turning out to watch The Queer Lemons, they’d gotten quite a cult following in the gay bars of New York. It meant that it was a lot easier for Richie to find people to sleep with but it did mean that people occasionally stopped him on the street and asked him if he Richie Tozier; Richie wasn’t sure that he liked it.

“Yeah, okay.” Richie nodded, downing his last two shots and turning to walk towards the door of the bar, not even checking to see if Eddie was following. If he was really that desperate to talk then he would.

They both made it outside and Richie turned to lean against the exposed brick, pulling a pack of cigarettes out of the pocket of his jeans and lighting up. It was a bad habit that he’d mostly shaken in the years since college but every so often his body cried out for one, especially after a gig, especially when the only guy he’d ever properly been into was stood in front of him looking like a fucking wet dream.

“You smoke?” Eddie said, with a tone of pure disgust. Richie wasn’t sure if he wanted to blow smoke in Eddie’s face or immediately drop his cigarette onto the ground. He stubbed it out; he wasn’t that petty.

“You wanted to talk.” Richie said, looking Eddie up and down. He was shivering and Richie kind of felt bad. If he was wearing a jacket, he would have put it around his arms even though that was bordering on inappropriate behaviour. He wasn’t wearing a jacket though so it didn’t even matter but all he could think about was Eddie swamped in one of his hoodies. _Fuck._

“I’m really, really sorry.” Eddie said, looking impossibly sad.

“It’s fine, kid. I was over it like two weeks ago.” Richie lied. “You can go back inside and find someone else to make you feel something.”

Eddie’s shoulders slumped downwards. It was becoming clearer that Eddie had been drinking; his cheeks were gently flushed in a way that screamed alcohol.

“I don’t want that.” Eddie said, reaching out and touching Richie’s bare arm. His touch almost seemed to burn Richie’s skin; he didn’t pull away.

“What do you want?” Richie said, his voice low, barely a whisper. At this point, he wasn’t sure it much mattered that Eddie had a girlfriend; he didn’t think that he could deal with not taking him home tonight.

Eddie coughed awkwardly. “I went back to that bar and I asked around about you and they told me about your band and where else you play and I’ve been to a few of your shows and I watched your comedy set last week but I always stood at the back, I didn’t want to distract you.”

Richie scoffed. “I’m more than capable of performing without getting distracted by a pretty face.” It was another lie because he actually felt deeply flattered that Eddie cared enough to go searching for him.

Eddie smiled at the compliment. “You think I’m pretty?” His fingers were still burning holes into Richie’s arms, stroking little circles.

“Not exactly what I wanted you to take from that, Eds.” It was a cute nickname and it just slipped out; Richie didn’t even know where it came from.

Eddie sighed, sounding happy. “Sometimes I forget that I don’t really know you, it’s like you’re all I can think about and I don’t even know you.”

Richie knew it sounded crazy. He knew that if some other guy had said it to him, he would have immediately walked away but not with Eddie, not when Eddie had just spoken the very words that he’d been thinking for the past three weeks. He’d been barely able to go an hour without his thoughts turning to Eddie and it was weird, Richie wasn’t the type to catch feelings. He’d had a casual relationship with this guy at college for three years and he hadn’t caught even the slightest feeling yet one night with Eddie and he was acting like a fucking teenager.

“Please don’t say that if you don’t mean it.” Richie said, leaning his head back against the wall.

“What do you mean?” Both of them were speaking in quiet voices, soft tones that were barely above a whisper.

Richie closed his eyes. This was all too much for him. He wanted to go back and be the person he was before he met Eddie but it was suddenly like he couldn’t remember who that person was. This was so _stupid._

“Please don’t tell me that you’ve been thinking about me if you haven’t been. You left my apartment and it was like I missed you, which is stupid because I barely know you. I tried to get you out of my head but I couldn’t.”

The air seemed to crackle in between them.

“I feel the same.” Eddie said, confirming what both of them seemed to know in that second.

They kissed before they could even think about what they were doing. It was rougher and more desperate than the first time as if they wanted to rewrite the whole last three weeks with their mouths. They pulled each closer and it was all fisted hair and shirts. It was one of the best kisses of Richie’s life and it was _definitely_ the best kiss of Eddie’s. Eddie crowded Richie against the wall, pushing his small body against Richie’s larger one, grinding in a way that was obscene coming from someone who looked as put together as Eddie did.

Eventually, Richie pushed Eddie away. Their lips were both swollen and their hair was a complete mess. Eddie pouted, missing the feeling of Richie’s lips on his own. Richie just wanted to just pull him back in and continue but his conscience wouldn’t let him.

“Do you still have a girlfriend?” Richie said, not really wanting to know the answer.

Eddie nodded, looking down at the ground.

“Okay,” Richie said, softly. “I’m going to give you my phone number and you can call me whenever, okay? And if you find yourself in a position where you’re single then let me know.”

It hurt Richie’s heart to watch Eddie walk away again but knew it was for the best and at least they could contact each other now. He didn’t expect Eddie to ever call him, much less for them to speak on the phone almost every day but they did. They quickly became good friends, sharing their pasts and their hopes for the future. It was very wholesome.

-

May-

Eddie and Richie liked being friends with each other. They were good at being friends with each other. They still were majorly attracted to each other but right now they were enjoying being friends. They had routines: Eddie would go over to Richie’s apartment on weekends and days when he wasn’t working and they’d play video games and chat about things. Eddie would also go and watch Richie’s comedy sets at least once a week, as well as The Queer Lemons’ gigs. Myra had noticed that he was spending a lot more time out of the house but as of yet, she hadn’t commented on it. She’d just been watching him carefully, trying to find out what he was up to.

They’d been friends for two months and Eddie was just getting ready to go to one of Richie’s comedy sets. He usually went on a Thursday but Myra’s parents were coming into town and he’d promised that he’d have dinner with them so he had to go to a Tuesday show and it was a bar Eddie didn’t know; he was a little worried about getting there.

“Eddie, baby?” Myra’s voice came from the entrance-way just as Eddie was about to exit their bedroom so he could leave. _Shit._ She’d been out shopping all day with her girlfriends and he hadn’t expected her back until much later. She would not be pleased that he was going out again.

“Uh, yeah, Myra, one minute.” Eddie said, looking down at his outfit of skinny jeans and a t-shirt that was much tighter than the ones he usually wore. Myra would hate that he was going out looking like this; he only ever wore his new clothes around Richie since he’d been the one who inspired him to change-up his look a bit. Eddie didn’t want to wear his old outfits to one of Richie’s shows and have people laugh at him for looking like a dork; Myra would just have to deal with it.

Eddie stepped out into the living room to find Myra sat on her usual armchair. She was like his mother that way, once she’d picked a place to sit then she could stay there all night. There was never any chance of Eddie sitting anywhere near that armchair unless Myra was physically not present.

“Hey, honey.” Eddie said, leaning on the doorway to their bedroom, almost as if he could hide behind it. Her eyes raked over his outfit, her mouth turning down.

“Why are you dressed like one of those characters on those trashy television shows?” Myra said, more than a hint of confusion on her face. Eddie fought against the temptation to roll his eyes; he wasn’t twelve years old, he could dress himself.

“I bought some new clothes.” Eddie shrugged, putting one of the shoes that he’d been holding in his hand on his foot.

“Hmm, did you put them on the credit card?” Myra gave him a cutting look. “You know I don’t like it when you go shopping without me.”

Eddie did roll his eyes this time. Of course, he hadn’t spent Myra’s money on his new clothes; that would have been morally wrong, especially when he was planning to leave her. Well, he was planning on leaving her eventually; he was working on his issues and he knew that one day in the near future he would be able to walk out of that door and not feel like the weight of the world was crushing him. Being friends with Richie was helping, watching how he managed as a gay man out and proud made Eddie feel less like a hopeless case. And the soft way Richie looked at him definitely helped, as well as giving Eddie a whole lot of new fantasies.

“No, Myra.” He stared her down, arms crossed on his chest, waiting for the perfect moment to escape. “I’ve got to go.”

Myra stared right back, never one to give in to a challenge, especially one thrown down by Eddie, whom she knew she could manipulate without a second thought. Eddie had gone straight from being manipulated by mother to the exact same treatment by Myra, who loved having someone she could twist to her will. Except now, he wasn’t twisting.

“And where do you think you’re going?” She asked, raising one perfectly tweezed eyebrow.

Eddie faltered for a second, trying to think of what excuse to come up with but he hadn’t already planned one and he was notoriously bad at lying on the spot.

“I’m going to a comedy show.” Eddie said, quietly. _Fuck._ Why couldn’t Myra have stayed out like ten minutes longer and he could have left secretly.

“Why?” Myra said, sounding utterly perplexed. It was a good point, before he’d met Richie Eddie had never even watched comedy shows on TV. He hated comedians, always complaining that they seem vacuous and arrogant. Of course, he knew now that wasn’t always the case as Richie was the sweetest person he’d ever met.

“This show’s been recommended by so many people, I thought I had to give it a go.” Eddie lied, hoping that it wasn’t too obvious on his face.

Myra seemed to buy it, nodding slightly.

“I’ll come with you.”

Eddie’s mouth dropped open. Myra could not go and watch Richie with him; it would surely be a disaster. “You wouldn’t like it.” Eddie said, quickly.

Myra scoffed. “If _I _wouldn’t like it then why are _you_ going?”

_Because we aren’t the same person with the same sense of humour._

Eddie felt bitter panic running through his body. He knew that once Myra got an idea into her head then that was what was going to happen so he either had the choice to stay home and let Richie down, or let Myra come watch with him and risk them meeting. He couldn’t let Richie down though; he imagined his face when he searched the club for Eddie’s face and didn’t find it, he couldn’t let that happen.

“Fine, you can come but I’m leaving in two minutes.”

They made it to the comedy club with two minutes to spare before Richie came on. Eddie sent Myra to a table, while he quickly went to get drinks from the bar. He didn’t want to miss the opening of the set because he knew that’s when Richie would look around to see who was there and he didn’t want him to think that Eddie had ditched.

“Here.” Eddie said, placing Myra’s white wine in front of her, while he sipped on his gin and tonic, staring up at Richie on the stage. Richie spotted him and his smile turned into a huge grin, making Eddie’s insides melt.

Richie was hilarious as usual, drawing laughs from every person in the room, except Myra who spent the majority of the show looking away from the stage, at Eddie. She watched how his eyes lit up every time the comedian smiled and she was so confused. This wasn’t her Eddie at all.

Finally, the show finished and Richie left the stage. He immediately came bounding down the steps towards Eddie’s table, the way he always did after a show. In the past two months of being friends with Eddie, he felt like he did his best performances when he could see the little guy in the audience grinning at him. It was like Eddie was the only person in the room that he was trying to make laugh.

“Eddie Spaghetti, you made it!” Richie arrived in front of Eddie, wrapping his arms around his friend and squeezing. Eddie was stiff beneath him and didn’t respond so Richie quickly removed his long arms, looking at Eddie’s face to see what was wrong.

“You didn’t tell me that you knew the comedian, Eddie.” The woman sitting opposite Eddie said. Richie looked at her and then back at Eddie, understanding quickly. Eddie had brought Myra to one of his shows. Richie knew he shouldn’t but he felt hurt. He knew that Eddie had a girlfriend and was dealing with his repression and they were fine just being friends but her being here felt almost like Eddie was rubbing it in his face. He didn’t need Richie.

“Uh, yeah, sorry. Myra this is Richie Tozier, my uh-friend. And Richie this is Myra, my girlfriend.” Eddie said, refusing to make eye contact with either of them.

Richie took a step back, still looking between Eddie and Myra. He desperately didn’t want to be here anymore, watching Eddie and his fucking girlfriend. Fuck Eddie and fuck him for thinking that he could bring Myra here to Richie’s safe space like it didn’t mean anything; like they didn’t mean anything.

Myra stared at Richie. She took in his gangly body and curly black hair and she was brought back to a conversation that she’d had with Sonia, Eddie’s mother, back when they’d first started dating. They’d gone over to visit and when Eddie had left the room to go to the bathroom, Sonia had warned Myra about Eddie and how he used to think that he was a homosexual. She’d told her about Eddie’s old boyfriend, the tall one with the crazy black hair and how one day he might pop back up in Eddie’s life and try and trick him back into thinking he was one of them. Eddie had never mentioned it; barely seemed to remember anything about his life before they moved to New York.

Myra put a hand protectively over Eddie’s, keeping her eyes locked on Richie’s, watching the way his mouth turned down. Richie took another step back, surveying the scene. He had to leave.

“I have to go, um, someone’s calling me.” Richie said, his mouth feeling uncomfortably dry as he turned and fled the scene without taking another glance at Eddie. He felt so sad and he hated himself for it; he knew this about Eddie but some part of him thought that maybe Eddie would realise that he had feelings for him and leave Myra but seeing them together just cemented the reality to Richie: Eddie wasn’t his and he never would be. Richie knew he needed space.

Eddie stared after Richie feeling desperately sad. He should never have brought Myra here. He’d seen the hurt in Richie’s eyes and he was worried that there wasn’t any way back for them now; all he seemed to do was hurt Richie. 


	16. 2003 iii

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Richie ignored all of Eddie’s calls. He couldn’t talk to him right now, maybe ever. It was a shame that they’d lost such a good friendship but Richie just couldn’t ignore his feelings any longer. Spending time with Eddie was fine until he was brutally reminded that Eddie wasn’t available and was unlikely to ever be. As much as he liked Eddie, he knew that he may never be able to claim his sexuality and might end up staying with Myra forever. Richie couldn’t just stay and watch that happen; he had to get away before he was much too invested.
> 
> or
> 
> Lots of stuff happens in one chapter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, this has taken me so long to write because I've been busy with uni work and I've been writing another series https://archiveofourown.org/series/1518251 so go read that if you want, I'm really proud of it
> 
> Honestly, thank you for all the kudos this has been getting while I've been away, I hope you guys enjoy. I'm not sure how many more chapters I have left to write but I do think another time jump will be soon!

May-

Richie ignored all of Eddie’s calls. He couldn’t talk to him right now, maybe ever. It was a shame that they’d lost such a good friendship but Richie just couldn’t ignore his feelings any longer. Spending time with Eddie was fine until he was brutally reminded that Eddie wasn’t available and was unlikely to ever be. As much as he liked Eddie, he knew that he may never be able to claim his sexuality and might end up staying with Myra forever. Richie couldn’t just stay and watch that happen; he had to get away before he was much too invested.

Instead, he took a couple weeks off performing, knowing that Eddie would show up to his shows and try and talk to him. He went out drinking in different places where he knew Eddie wouldn’t find him and picked up random guys to bring home. It was distracting him from the truth but he could still see Myra’s smug face almost every time he closed his eyes.

Richie woke up on a Sunday, over a week since he’d last seen Eddie and a couple of days since Eddie had last left a message on his answering machine. Richie was sure that Eddie had given up with him now and while he thought it was for the better, he couldn’t help but be sad at his loss. He had a guy in his bed, some mid-thirties banker-type, who’d got off on taking charge of Richie-pushing him into the bed and biting him all over his body. He’d been drunk when they’d met and had thought it would be quite nice for once and it had succeeded in pushing thoughts of Eddie out of his mind. Richie touched one of the larger marks on his neck and hissed in a combination of pain and remembered pleasure. The guy rolled over in his sleep.

The doorbell rang, waking the guy up. He quickly looked up at Richie and raised his eyebrows at the sheer amount of marks that were on his body. Richie suddenly felt a little bit used and wanted to cover himself up. He grabbed his dressing-gown and pulled it tightly around his body, walking over to the door and opening it slightly.

Eddie stood in the hallway outside of Richie’s apartment, wearing his best clothes- the ones he usually reserved for when he was driving VIP clients: tight grey pants and a white button-down shirt, open at the collar and expensive Italian loafers that Myra’s father had bought him for his birthday. He looked like the kind of guy who could be running his own company at 26, with his neatly brushed hair and formal clothes. He raised a single eyebrow at Richie and crossed his arms over his chest.

Richie didn’t know what to do. Eddie hadn’t done anything wrong per se and yet Richie had completely ghosted him; he couldn’t just close the door in his face, especially when he looked so good that Richie just wanted to throw him on to his bed. _This_ was why they couldn’t be friends.

“Am I interrupting something?” Eddie said, looking pointedly at Richie’s neck. Richie felt himself blush, feeling a growing warmth on his face.

“Uh.” Richie said in reply. He truly didn’t have an answer for that, completely forgetting about the half-naked guy in his bed.

“Are you going to let me in?” Eddie spoke again, tapping one of his expensive shoes in a sign of impatience. Richie noticed that he hadn’t smiled once, looking more and more like the grumpy guy that Richie had first met.

“Uh.” Richie said again.

Eddie rolled his eyes and pushed the door open, walking past the dumbfounded Richie and surveying the room. He quickly noticed the guy in Richie’s bed and turned back to Richie with that quirked eyebrow before continuing to look around the messy room. Eventually, he turned back towards Richie’s hook-up.

“We need to talk,” Eddie said, gesturing between himself and Richie with his thumb and speaking in a firm and confident voice, “so you need to leave now.” He pointed at the door.

The guy shook his head and got out of bed, quickly pulling on a pair of pants from the floor.

“You could have said that you have a boyfriend.” He said, glaring at Richie as he pulled on a shirt.

Eddie scoffed loudly. “I am _not_ his boyfriend.”

Richie still just stood there with his mouth slightly open, having no idea what was going on. He watched as Eddie walked over to the breakfast bar, sweeping all the crap that had collected there since Richie last cleaned into one big pile at the end. He grabbed a cloth and wiped down both the surface and one of the stools before sitting down on it. The guy left, muttering some form of insult to Richie before the door slammed.

“We need to talk.” Eddie said, leaning on the now clean counter and staring at Richie.

“Uh, okay, maybe I should put more clothes on first.” Richie replied, looking down at his dressing gown. Eddie nodded, giving him permission and he slunk off into the bathroom, reappearing after a minute in a pair of sweatpants and a dark green hoodie. Eddie barely looked at him.

“I’m not sure why you came here, Eddie.” Richie said. He wasn’t sure whether he was supposed to sit down next to Eddie so he stayed stood up, leaving a good distance of space between them. Eddie rolled his eyes hard.

“Because you just fucking disappeared. You cancelled all your shows and you haven’t been picking up the phone; I thought that you died.” Eddie sounded furious but in a controlled way, like Richie imagined he sounded when he was acting like a boss. It was kind of hot.

“Well, I’m alive.” Richie said, gesturing at himself.

Eddie glared at him. “You could have answered the phone and told me that. We’re friends, I’m allowed to be worried about you.”

Richie felt warm inside at the idea that Eddie was actively worried about him. “You were worried about me?” He said, his voice quiet and serious.

“Of fucking course, I was. I still am, have you even been eating?”

Richie had lost a couple of pounds since Eddie had last seen him and because he was so skinny anyway, it did make him look a little gaunt. “Yeah, course I’ve been eating.”

Eddie looked at the mess on the counter. “Chicken nugget fajitas do not count as food, Richie.”

Richie shrugged. “They’re tasty and easy to make and cheap; not all of us can run successful businesses.”

Eddie sighed, his anger seeming to shift. “Richie, you’ve got to start eating more healthily; I’d hate to see you getting sick at an early age.”

Richie bit back a retort about how Eddie wasn’t going to be around to see how he grew up. It would have been a little too mean considering the guy was that worried about him that he’d actually come over.

“So, what did you want to talk about?” Richie finally came and sat down on the other stool, kicking his legs up and down like a child would. Eddie watched him with a gentle smile on his face.

“I wanted to say sorry, again. I shouldn’t have brought Myra to your show; it wasn’t thoughtful or fair to you.” Eddie said quickly like he hated the words he was saying. Richie merely hummed in response.

“If you’ve got something to say then can you just say it? I really like being your friend and I can’t stand that you’re mad at me.” Eddie said, his voice even quieter than before.

Richie tilted his head to look at Eddie. “I’m not mad at you. I thought I could handle us just being friends but then I saw you with her and she was holding your hand and it kind of hit me that I never would get to do that with you, no matter how much I wanted to so I just decided I needed some space.”

Eddie let out a deep sigh. He looked at Richie fondly but with a little bit of sadness in his eyes.

“You said you aren’t a commitment kind of guy.” Eddie spoke softly, keeping his eyes locked on Richie.

“You’re not the kind of person you can just let go, Eds.”

They stared at each other and the world seemed to stop around them. There was nothing else but them; it was like something out of a film or a book. It was like every moment of their lives was leading up to the one where they met each other and now that they had, they knew that they were never going to escape their feelings for each other.

Richie reached over and gently placed his hand at the back of Eddie’s neck, stroking his fingers through the short hairs, before pulling him in for a kiss. They stayed like that for a couple of minutes, just gently kissing each other like they had all the time in the world.

Eddie pulled back and looked at Richie with the fondest expression in his eyes and Richie knew that his own face mirrored that look.

“What do you want to do, Eds?” Richie asked, knowing that he would never recover if Eddie said he had to leave now.

Richie meant the question to mean now but Eddie took it to mean in the long-term.

“I guess, I go home and tell Myra. She’ll probably scream at me and ring my mother and then she’ll be screaming at me. Then pack as much stuff as I can before she actively murders me. Go to a hotel and then ring around all my best clients and tell them that the company’s folding but I can still drive them and hope to God that they agree.” Eddie laughed humourlessly.

Richie was once again dumbfounded. “What are you talking about?”

Eddie sighed again. “My company is completely funded by Myra’s father. I’m not some super successful 26 year old; I just dated the right person at the right time but he will definitely pull my funding when we break up. That’s part of the reason that I’ve been holding off for so long, I’m going to effectively be starting again from scratch with no money and not even a college education to fall back on.”

“I-uh- you can stay with me?” Richie said, reaching out and pulling Eddie into a hug, just wanting to calm him down.

Eddie laughed again. “I can’t. I want to _date_ you eventually, Rich and if we live together then things will get intense way too quickly. I can’t be your boyfriend right now; I’ve got to learn who I even am first.”

Richie let go of Eddie and took a step back. “Okay, kid, I wasn’t asking you to be my boyfriend or anything. You clearly need to sort yourself out first; I just wanted you to know that you can stay here, I have a couch.” He pointed at it.

Eddie buried his face in his hands. “Oh god, I’m so sorry.”

Richie laughed. “It’s cool, dude, I didn’t want to make it awkward but you can just stay here until you sort yourself out.”

Eddie smiled, a wide open smile that made Richie’s heartbeat faster. He knew that it was going to be really hard to go home to Myra and tell her what was happening; he knew that she would cry and try and manipulate him into staying, promising him the world if he stayed with her. Eddie also felt a little bit bad for Myra, he’d been using her for years due to her father’s money, although maybe that was what she wanted- a boyfriend who was stuck with her so she’d never be alone. But while Eddie knew that it was going to be hard, he had Richie now and the thought that he could stay here, that he could _date_ Richie made him happier than he could remember being. It made it all worth it.

-

Eddie unlocked his front door, his heart pounding in his chest. _This was it._ He was about to put a bomb right in the middle of his life and completely start again. Part of him just wanted to forget the whole thing and stay exactly how he was. And then he thought about Richie. _Richie. _The one person in the world that he wanted to make smile constantly and who he wanted to be held by, feeling those long arms wrapped tightly around his body. He knew that he couldn’t just jump into a relationship, that wouldn’t be fair to Richie to have to deal with all of Eddie’s mess as he tried to rebuild his life but he knew that he was falling for Richie and he wanted to stay with him forever.

He tried to keep Richie in his mind as he stepped through the door and into his living room. Myra was out at one of her lunches but he knew she wouldn’t be gone for long so he had to make quick work of packing before she came back and found out what he was doing. Since he’d met Richie, Eddie had been keeping mental notes of all the things he actually owned in his apartment and once he’d started to throw them into his suitcase, he realised just how little there was and how most of it was stuff he didn’t even want to keep.

Eddie was just zipping up his second suitcase when he heard the key in the lock; his first instinct was to hide but he knew that was stupid. He also knew that the second Myra walked through the door and saw him stood there with two suitcases and all of his things gone, she was going to know and she was going to be _mad._ And when she got mad, she reminded him so much of his mother that it was so hard for him to stand up for himself so he generally found himself going along with whatever shit she wanted just so that he didn’t have to hear her nasally voice shout anymore.

“Eddie-bear, I hope you’re hungry- the restaurant gave me way too much…” Myra stepped through the door, chatting away already but her voice stopped suddenly when she caught sight of Eddie.

Eddie rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly, feeling the way the short strands caught against his skin from the fresh haircut that he’d gotten a couple of days earlier. As far as he was aware, he’d been having his haircut in the same way since he was a child, short and neat, although he had found a photograph of himself at about seventeen with much longer hair and wondered when his mother had allowed him to grow it; she’d always hated boys with hair that flopped in their eyes. He’d quite liked the way he’d looked in the photograph, all shaggy long hair and a huge grin unlike the usual tight smile he wore in all other photographs. There was a boy in the photograph too, quite a lot taller than Eddie with a pleasant face and auburn hair and his arm slung around Eddie’s shoulders but Eddie had no idea who the boy was so he assumed he was a casual acquaintance who had no relevance to his life. Eddie didn’t think that he’d ever had someone he would refer to as a friend growing up; nobody whose house he would go for sleepovers or who he’d go ride his bike with. If he could remember his childhood, he assumed it would be one filled with loneliness and only the company of his mother.

“And just where do you think you are going?” Myra’s tight voice sounded just like his mother’s and sent an immediate wave of panic down Eddie’s spine. _This was it. _He had to stand up for himself now and fight for the life he wanted.

“I’m- I’m leaving. I’m going to stay with uh-a friend for a while.” Eddie didn’t think he’d ever felt so nervous in his life.

Myra stared at him, her mouth parted in shock before it seemed she finally found the words she wanted to say.

“Don’t be stupid; you can’t leave.” She said as if it were really that simple. “Now, why don’t you unpack your things while I make some tea.” It wasn’t a question but a statement, one that matched her raised eyebrow and harsh stare.

Eddie faltered, his mind telling him to back down but today he wasn’t listening to his mind but his heart instead which ached for Richie. He had to leave, no matter how upset Myra got.

“I’m sorry, Myra but I _am_ leaving. I cannot be in a relationship with you anymore because I do not love you and I know this is hard to hear and I’m very sorry but I can’t change the way I feel.” Eddie said, his voice quick and high and filled with tension.

Myra narrowed her eyes at him. “Is there someone else? Have you been having your way with every floozy who bats her eyelashes at you from the back seat?”

“Of course not, I wouldn’t do that to you.” Eddie said, trying not to think of his night of passion with Richie- he knew that it was wrong to cheat on her but at that moment it was too hard to resist Richie’s pull, he had to be with him.

“I just don’t understand.”

Eddie recognized the wobble in her voice, she was about to cry but instead of making him feel worse, it just propelled him on. She always did this whenever he tried to take some independence and he always backed down but not this time, not about _this._

“I’m gay.” The words shot out of his mouth before he even had a chance to review them. He’d never said them aloud before, barely even thought the phrase in his head; he was too scared of the connotations but they were there and he realised suddenly they were true.

“You can’t be.” Myra sobbed, throwing her arms in the air in a dramatic way. Eddie fought the urge to roll his eyes.

“I am, Myra and I apologise for hurting you but I can’t live like this anymore.” Eddie tried to keep his voice even and calming but it was getting harder and harder; he just wanted to _leave._

There was a moment where Myra was just sobbing with Eddie standing awkwardly opposite her. He didn’t know what he was supposed to do- he didn’t want to hold her while she cried because that seemed too ‘coupley’ but just standing here made him feel bad. Fortunately, things changed quickly and he didn’t need to make such a decision.

“Your mother warned me about this.” Myra said, pulling herself out of her sadness to point an excusing finger at her ex-boyfriend.

Eddie was perplexed; he had no idea what that meant.

“What?”

“Sonia told me that when you were in high school, you thought you were a homosexual and that she managed to cure you of it but one day some guy might come and try and convince you otherwise- some guy called Richie Tozier.” She seemed almost triumphant now as if she had won some prize for understanding the situation even though she really had no idea what was going on.

Eddie froze. He didn’t really remember high school, always put the memory loss down to not having anything worth remembering. He would have remembered being gay in high school; your sexuality is not just something you can forget. And he’d always known that his mother was a bad parent but he’d thought she might just cut him off when she found out that he was gay, not try and force him back into the closet. That was so fucked up. Eddie just did not understand this at all.

“But I only met Richie in February, that makes no sense.” He said, more to himself than Myra.

Myra shrugged a little. “I didn’t really understand it myself but she was clearly right. Now, all you have to do is stop seeing Richie and then we can get married.”

“Are you fucking crazy? I’m not leaving Richie.”

_I’m not leaving Richie. I’m not leaving Richie. _Those words sounded so familiar- like he’d said them before over and over like a chant but he felt like he should be crying. He hadn’t met anyone named Richie before, had he? This all made so sense- he needed to speak to his mother.

It took another ten minutes of convincing Myra that he was really gay and he was really leaving and that he wasn’t going to come back and marry her. She, as predicted, rang her father and he immediately got his accountant to remove all of Eddie’s funds but he’d already contacted his best clients and for the most part, they had promised to be loyal so he could keep on just under half his employees. It was going to be hard work to build his company back up from scratch but he really thought he could do it.

Finally, he managed to escape and drove straight to his mother’s house. As usual, she was sat in her armchair in front of the television watching the daytime soap operas, grazing on a bowl of candy. She seemed to look worse every time Eddie saw her so he put off visits as often as he could and tried to get away with just phone calls. She genuinely looked awful.

“Eddie-bear, to what do I owe the pleasure? Sometimes, I think you’ve forgotten about me now that you’ve got Myra.” Sonia smiled at him but there was an edge to her voice, chastising him for not visiting her more often.

Eddie opened his mouth to apologise but stopped himself quickly. He wasn’t here to play her games, he was here to get answers.

“I need to talk to you.”

Sonia began to speak but Eddie cut her off.

“About Richie Tozier…”

Sonia squawked, waving her hands madly in the air as if she were possessed, her face turning an unnatural shade of purple. Eddie didn’t think he’d ever seen his mother so uncomposed.

“How dare you bring up that name in _my _house.” She shouted, jabbing a pudgy finger in Eddie’s direction. Eddie’s confusion more-or-less doubled.

He walked over to where she was sat and took his own seat on the couch so that he was at eye-level with her. Eddie wanted to be able to see her eyes when she talked to him so that he would know when she was lying because right now, he needed the truth.

“How do you know Richie, Ma? Are you stalking me?” Eddie started out with his initial guess- he definitely wouldn’t put it past his mother to have someone follow him and make sure he’s not doing anything she wouldn’t like.

“What?” Now it was Sonia’s turn to look confused. “Of course I’m not ‘stalking’ you, Eddie-bear.”

Eddie threw his hands into the air in frustration. “Then how the hell do you know about Richie- I met him three months ago.”

Sonia shook her head, looking at Eddie as if he were the one who was acting crazy. “You met Richie Tozier 15 years ago, you had that nasty little group of friends and he was the nastiest of them all- always such a dirty child.”

Eddie blinked in surprise- he’d never even thought about the possibility that he’d had friends as a child and forgotten them. Maybe that was why he felt so connected to Richie; maybe it was his memory manifesting itself in a different way. But all of that begged the question- did Richie remember him?

It was then that Eddie was hit by some-sort of realisation. Myra had said that his mother had him ‘cured’ of his sexuality and had mentioned Richie’s name and now that he knew they were friends back in Derry, Eddie’s mind could put the pieces together in the right order. Richie hadn’t been just his friend; Richie was his _boyfriend._

Eddie could have spent all day reaming his mother out for putting him through that shit when he was a kid but he didn’t have time right now. He could come back at a later date and tell her exactly how he felt about her but getting to Richie seemed much more important now. He had to know whether Richie knew.

He drove over the speed limit to get back to Richie’s apartment, practically throwing his car into the nearest spot he could find and running up the stairs to the seventh floor. He knocked on the door, his heart pounding wildly out of his chest.

“Eds, you made it.” Richie grinned, the very image of which made Eddie’s heart soar before the smile disappeared. “You didn’t bring anything.”

Richie took a step back, his hands immediately flying to his face and his mind jumping to the worst conclusion. _Of course, Eddie would never actually leave his girlfriend for you._

“It’s in the car, you can help me bring it up.” Eddie said, stepping forward and pulling Richie’s hands from off his face. Richie looked so vulnerable like that, like he fully expected Eddie to laugh in his face and leave, like he was used to Eddie leaving him. “I just have to ask something first.”

Richie nodded, a small smile coming back to his face now that Eddie had reassured him that he had moved out.

“Did you know?”

Eddie deliberately phrased the question so vaguely- if Richie knew then he would know what the question was asking but if he didn’t then Eddie could play it off as something else but he really wanted Richie to remember him, he’d never wanted anything more.

Richie looked away from Eddie’s breaking their eye-contact like he was embarrassed. “I guessed. I’ve had this letter with me since I went to college and I never understood why because it was a love letter and I’ve never been in love. It’s signed from ‘Eds’ and I didn’t even give it a second thought until we met and then I just put it down to coincidence but it’s not, is it?”

Eddie shook his head, holding on to Richie’s hands like they were a lifeline. “No.”

“You were my boyfriend?”

“Yeah, we were in love.” Eddie clutched on tighter, the word making him just want to hold on to Richie even more and never let him go.

“I don’t think I ever stopped, not really, even if I forgot you in principle I don’t think I ever stopped loving you.”

The words sat in the air around them. Richie knew that what he had said was true but he didn’t want to scare Eddie off, not when he just got him back. His worry was misplaced though.

“I love you too. I always have.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading and please leave kudos and drop me a comment if there was something you liked or disliked. 
> 
> Come bother me on Twitter @CoolestLemon if you want


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